It’a a full moon tonight and it really is beautiful to look at, not least because my sobriety is helping me to connect with the outside world on a level that I haven’t been able to do so for far too long.
I keep imagining that it’s been six month’s since I stopped drinking when it’s closer to four, but I can’t exaggerate the difference it’s making. Addiction is complex, and with a new found humility I am not able to act as authority on addiction, but with experience I am certain of one thing: being able to connect with your emotions and to feel again, is a priceless gift.
As I write about this particular aspect of addiction, I am quite aware of a bigger subject that I can only glimpse and touch upon in this post, that being Love itself. Of course I could start to write about the romanticised kind, which would be easier somehow, but I am only beginning to conceive of the kind of Love that I am referring to. It is vast and powerful in the most gentle and quiet of ways, ancient and not easily put into words, but I imagine that it’s part of everything that exists: a resource that can be tapped into in a number of ways. I don’t think I would have been able to meditate on a notion of Love like this just six months ago.
The connection that was made for me and helped me to move forward with my recovery was to honour feelings, which are what the addict tends to be avoiding completely, in my understanding. I feel some frustration tonight in that I am restless, however, simply because I want to be able to capture the way I am now experiencing both my inner and the outer world. As my anxieties have started to subside and my general well being has improved, I realise I am able to take stock before beginning a project, but there is now a greater well of material to draw from. And perhaps a life time to do so.