Let’s get lit
Today’s Ask Candice question is from 31 year old Thuso in Johannesburg.
Q: Candice, is it possible to not want anything? To need nothing? My wife keeps on busting me about my hopes and dreams, the stuff I want and I am always like, nah, I’m cool. Things are good. She keeps asking me. I am really just happy and grateful for what God has given me. How do I make her stop? Can you call her for me?
A: Thuso, thanks for this absolutely fantastic question. There’s no partiality with me, right, so if your wife was wrong I’d totally call her up and tell her to wind down on her whingeing. But she’s asking because she evidently has a hunch there’s more and she’d be doing you an injustice as your wife, your helper, to know this and still let you stay stuck. Even if you don’t want to believe you are.
The answer is no, it’s not possible to have no needs or desires. Human needs and desires are two completely different things but something tells me your wife’s trying to dig out your desires. So, I’m going with it. Not in my personal experience and not in the experience of those who are growing as people is it possible to not desire (or need for that matter) anything. Let me put it this way, we’re meant to progress. And where there’s progression, there’s always change. There’s movement, and moving (as with physically relocating our homes or offices) requires us to pick up new things relevant to our new environment and get rid of the stuff that we no longer need. So, as we grow as people, there’s going to be old needs or desires that are no longer wanted or necessary and new ones that are. Desire is something built-in to each and every one of us. It’s an absolute blessing. It gives us a sense of who we are, what we’re called to do and the motivation to actually do it.
If you’re not feeling expectant or passionate about anything, know that you’re not alone and there are some common causes — but the most common nowadays (and most ignored, btw) is this: YOU’RE NOT GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION. For whatever reason you feel conflicted — maybe you believe that having desires or wanting something means that you’re ungrateful for what you do have or you feel guilty or embarrassed to have nice things or go to nice places when there are starving people in the world. Some people feel they already have more than they deserve. And some just won’t acknowledge or share their desires for the fear of never achieving them and seeming like a failure. They feel it’s better to maintain their pride than develop deep relationships through vulnerability. These are all just limiting beliefs that are holding you back from the greatness God is nudging you towards. ‘Without vision people perish’. You can still be grateful and content and know that having desires and needs that are going to better your life is not a demonstration of ingratitude. And your desires, if meant for the highest good, will only benefit those around you too. I truly believe our desire is a way of staying in touch with ourselves and keeping ourselves in check too. Sometimes we need to acknowledge and feed those desires, sometimes they give us a clear indication that we’re heading down a one way and we’re going to be flattened by a big truck if we don’t get the hell off that road.
There is nothing weak or lukewarm about true desire for good. It’s intense and powerful. It’s all-consuming and burns like fire. And that’s also exactly why I must warn you about supressing it. Without a constructive outlet — like sharing your desires with your wife, making plans and taking steps to make them happen, they tend to escape via destructive channels like alcoholism and other addictions, mental illness, sexual imbalance, or very many other negative actions. Whether a person realises that they’re supressing their desires or not and regardless of the reasons for doing so, it’s inevitably a horribly unhealthy thing to do.
Thuso, I say you should acknowledge at least one desire that you think you may have, grab that wonderful woman of yours and tell her, ‘there’s something I want baby, let’s get lit’. And don’t forget to circle back, I want to know the details of how well this is working for you, and the intimacy between you and your wife, but, in advance — you’re welcome. And that’s my answer to your question.
Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed it, please clap. As always, I’m grateful to have had this time with you. If there’s something else you want to know, ask at candicemary.com/#askcandice. I’ll catch you next Tuesday with an answer you want (here and on my Audio Experience — candicemary.com/podcast) and remember, YOU have the power to be happy.
This originally appeared on candicemary.com/blog with other useful stuff.
