Put your pride where your money used to be
Today’s Ask Candice question is from 34 year old Gareth in Cape Town.
Q: Hi Candice. I own my own business and generally do well but the last 3 months have been bleak and I’m starting to panic because my wife is still spending like I’m Elon Musk. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want her to worry. Do you have some advice on this?
A: Hey Gareth. This is a great question, thank you. Chances are this is putting strain on your relationship and not just financially. It also seems to me that perhaps you haven’t been in this situation with your wife before and you’re concerned about her reaction. But Gareth, isn’t it true that the problem you’re facing would be half the size if you spoke to your wife about it. Regardless of her initial reaction and the subsequent change that will ultimately happen. Bottom line, it is what it is and if the situation isn’t managed it could potentially become a whole lot worse. I completely understand that you don’t want her to worry but protecting her from worry is going to create a plethora of other issues. Let me put it this way, your silence on this matter is, no doubt, going to have you behaving differently with your wife. Now I don’t know her spending habits, but I assume she comes home with her usual boot load and a few bonus bags because, well, she can’t leave a dress on a mannequin if it will clearly look better on her. Anyway, in her head she’s just doing what does and she’s thinking nothing of it. You on the other hand are wondering if the shopping bags were at least free and perhaps even making a small fortune just by adding a mark-up and reselling them. There’s no chance that the frustration is building and you’re either going to implode or explode, if you haven’t already. If you have already been acting strangely she may be feeling your inconsistency and she could even have anxiety and insecurity growing inside her which will also eventually manifest. Gareth, the longer keep the situation quiet, the more damage it’s doing. To you. To her. To your marriage. And to your family, if you have one.
Your wife is intended to be your best friend, your companion, your confidant. The one person who will work with you through the good, the bad and the ugly.
A wife who loves her husband would never bring home bonus bags when she knows they’re putting pressure on him and will ultimately negatively influence their life together. The good wife you chose will work with you, not against you. These are marriage fundamentals — and while you may think it’s your responsibility, there’s nothing that concerns you that doesn’t concern and impact your wife. There are no exclusions. You’re a team in everything. You’re one. Not just when and where it suits. It’s imperative to have an open and transparent relationship with your wife.
Also, remember that love is not proud, Gareth. Telling the person who does life with you that things are tight is a normal occurrence. These things happen. This is by no means cause for you to feel emasculated. You can’t control everything, and you will never be able to control everything. Something tells me that this speed bump is designed to bring you and your wife closer, not separate you. But if you don’t tell it like it is, it’s going to do the opposite, unfortunately. In fact, not telling your wife that things are tight when they are tight is far worse than telling her in the long run. There’s always going to be good and bad in your marriage. Good and bad times don’t define people… they do however test people and relationships. If you can’t to the downs together, the foundation of a relationship is questionable.
Chances are, when you sit down and speak to that wonderful woman of yours, she’s going to ask you why you didn’t tell her sooner. She may even be pissed off that you didn’t, so get your answer to that question ready… and look forward to the increased closeness and intimacy that’s about to happen. A man who confides in his wife has a secret weapon that proud and secretive husbands don’t. And that’s my answer to your question.
Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed it, please clap. As always, I’m grateful to have had this time with you. If there’s something else you want to know, ask at candicemary.com/#askcandice. I’ll catch you next Tuesday with an answer you want (here and on my Audio Experience — candicemary.com/podcast) and remember, YOU have the power to be happy.
This originally appeared on candicemary.com/blog with other useful stuff.
