“Good Grief”

Five years ago today I was 3 parts panic and 1 part shock by around 10 p.m. tonight. It was at this point in time that I learned the man that I had had a very long, very intense, very dysfunctional/amazing relationship with in the past and maintained a very strong friendship with in the present had shot himself…in the head..in front of his fiance’… with his children near the home. It wasn’t a pretty, happy, exciting, wonderful, or pleasant time. It was straight up horrific. It was a conspiracy-theory driven hell-hole/vortex and me and my barely stable mental state were caught up in it and it was the worst. From disbelief, to shock, to anger, back again, my mind ebbed and flowed. I had, what I later learned were, anxiety attacks while walking down the streets of Manhattan and I avoided like the black plague ANY place where we had spent time or where I was reminded of him and who he/we use to be: no music concerts, no fancy hotels, no 5 (make that 6 if there were any) star restaurants, and absolutely NO people in the entertainment business (try that if part of your area of expertise is entertainment law). I kept a mental note of every celebrity who used his funeral to show boat and I also remembered with great detail the people who were quite obviously moved, respectful, and humbled by his passing (that would be you Neyo, Chrissette Michelle, and LL Cool J–all class acts). That period was a “low” period for me (to put it mildly).

Fast forward to today. Do I remember the grief? I do. I know it was there. I remember the pain the way you sort of remember being a child. You can’t completely relate to what those emotions felt like, but you know you experienced it and every once in a while something will trigger the level of intensity.

But I am far from grieving.

I am in the antithetical state of where I was then. I just got married to an AMAZING, FANTASTIC, HONORABLE, & AWESOME MAN (even if he did switch from my horror movies on Halloween every 2 seconds to watch Sports Center and ESPN…really??). The type of man you wish for and feel grateful to receive. I live the life that I wanted, with a career that is a blessing, and I am healthy (despite a horrible family health history of Lupus and Cancer) and my immediate family is healthy and we are blessed. Even my sometimes sickly dog is feeling happy and fine and is keeping me from having to fear I may have to sit on Broadway with a tin cup to finance his previously ASTOUNDING veterinary bills. It’s a good feeling–a very good feeling–but I remember when it wasn’t there.

Life is all about the good and the bad. We love our favorite television shows for having dynamic dramatic arcs so we would be foolish to think that the Universe will fail to be equally creative with our own lives. There will be pain. Bad pain. Devastating pain. Particularly in this life. It comes. But there will be (either in the midst of the bad) or far after in the pure good and joy-filed moments…great love and pleasure. One prepares you for the next and allows you to trudge on until you get to the next part. No matter how horrible the present can feel; there will be another scene. You just have to allow yourself to get to it.

Life won’t be all “butterflies and roses” all of the time, but when the butterflies and roses come take the time to enjoy them… and don’t apologize for it….to anyone. Chase it all (and your dreams while you’re at it); smell them (and whatever other new and amazing experiences come your way) and cherish them because none of us are promised to get another year/moment/second to have an amazing feeling again.

Grief sucks. Pain sucks. Disappointment sucks. This time last year New York was literally being ATTACKED by mother nature…and she point blank kind of kicked our azz. But we’re back…

Life isn’t perfect all of the time, but it can be very close to perfect often enough to give us all a life of meaning, a life of purpose, and a life of fulfillment. Remember to enjoy it. The bad times, the hard times, the point blank shi**y times provides the majority of us perspective, gives us backbone, and gives us objectivity. Don’t look at all negatives as bad. Sometimes it can be good grief.