Why you should definitely toss my resume

1 ) My experience. Everybody knows that your past paid work is the fullest expression of your potential, forever and ever, Amen. If you haven’t already done a job, you’ll never be able to do it. And everybody knows that all employers rationally and fairly assess each employee’s skills and assign tasks accordingly — right at their skill level, with a little room to grow. Dysfunctional workplaces, neglectful management, organizational inertia — you know who talks about that? LOSERS. People who FAILED at their past jobs. What you are looking for is a PERFECT match between the job you want to fill and the candidate’s work history. You want a candidate whose resume gets a 100% on the ATS. Don’t let anyone tell you that doesn’t exist! Don’t settle for less!

2) That work gap?

The only possible explanations:

1. I was in prison.

2. I was sick with something awful that will make me dead weight as an employee.

3. I’m unemployable and a terrible person.

Explanations that are out of the question:

1. Personal or family priorities.

2. Travel.

3. Taking a break. Why, working from your teens till your seventies is totally normal and healthy! Who would need a break?

3) My degrees. Everyone knows that nothing of value is actually learned at university. It’s all just useless theory. Even if my specific alma mater is well-known for its applied approach, with many projects done for client organizations in the community, you can assume that I did not really learn the stuff. Those good grades I got in undergrad, that enabled me to later pursue a master’s? Meaningless. They say nothing about my work ethic, or my time management or cognitive or writing skills. I’m basically on the same level as a bright 10th-grader.

4) My major. Despite the title of my major being the same as the title of your industry, I know nothing about it. Like I said earlier, nothing of value was learned. You could literally throw a rock out your office window and hit someone just as informed as I am. Especially since people very quickly forget things they spent 5+ years learning. It just falls out of their head about 3 months after graduation. And they can never, ever remember or refresh that knowledge. Education is like milk. Not in the sense that you drink it and it makes your bones healthy so you can go out and do stuff in the world. In the sense that it just sits there and goes off if you don’t use it up fast.

One thing my degrees definitely DO mean, however, is that I have super-entitled attitude. The fact that I even mention them is the tell-tale sign that I expect to be the boss of everyone and make a massive salary on Day 1. I will refuse to pitch in or get my hands dirty or deal with silly details. I’m a high-level thinker and everyone must respect my vision.

5) Transferable skills. LOL. This nonsense was dreamed up by career counsellors who feel bad for losers who have failed at one career and are trying to start another. (Which is the only reason anyone changes careers, BTW.) Don’t buy into this for a second. So the part where I talk about how I effectively used my oral and written communications skills to achieve X, Y and Z? It’s nice and all, but they were all one-offs. I’ll never be able to do that in another workplace or industry.

6) My age. Of course it’s all a downward spiral after 35. You can’t learn new things, and you DEFINITELY cannot learn new technology. My doing a tech-oriented master’s in my 40s is just smoke and mirrors. In fact, you should probably just assume that I paid someone to do all the work for me, or worked some other scam. It’s just common sense!

The takeaway from all this is that anyone who applies for a job is suspect. You’ve been warned.