Anxiety: the Cure for the Common Shower
I definitely need to have a shower if I’m going to go out today.
So, I should definitely shower now.
Even though I’m tired now.
Because if I wait to not be tired I’ll never shower and never go out.
I’m picturing myself in the bathroom preparing for a shower.
I’ll need to decide if I have to shave
(since the shower is where I shave)
(and I sit down in the shower)
(shaving takes a while and I don’t stand for long so well)
(that’s technically from the depression, not the anxiety)
(at the best of times it’s a blurry line)
which means deciding if the value of being freshly shaven
justifies the risk of expending that extra energy.
If I do shave, will my skin be irritated?
Is that an improvement over being unshaven?
In this scenario, who is caring?
How many times have I shaved with my current disposable razor? Will I be able to use it again or will I need to start a fresh one? (They aren’t cheap.)
Will I need to wash my hair twice or can I get away with just once? Should I use bar soap instead of shampoo? It leaves my hair kind of frizzy, but the shampoo leaves it flat, and I’m not really satisfied with either option.
All my hats are terrible. How did I get to be this age without any good hats?
Should I actually cut my hair? It has been a while.
How would I cut it? Just a bit of a trim to take care of the ends, which allegedly get split but whatever degradation in quality that represents means little or nothing to me, or short, which takes a lot of work and is hard on my arm strength, especially when I’m doing the back, or something else?
Would I need to dig out the electric clippers? They don’t work well on greasy hair, so I’d have to wash it first anyway, and by that point I’ll definitely be too tired to cut it which means I’ll rush and do a poor job. And am I maybe getting a little too old for crazy DIY haircuts anyway?
I have leftover blue dye from years ago, should I color it again?
This was just supposed to be a shower.
I’ll get some clothes to change into and get on with it.
Should I pick out clothes now to wear out after or just get something now for post-shower and pick my going-out clothes when I’m ready? Some of my clothes are hanging in the closet and some are piled on the chair, and some are in the dresser. What do I want to look like today? Where do I find those clothes? Are those clothes even clean?
Will I need those clothes later in the week? Should I be saving them?
(How did I ever manage working five days a week? By the end I was working from home at least two or three days a month, or just calling in sick, because I couldn’t shower or do my laundry.) (I bet I went to work smelling bad some days and didn’t even know it, or thought I was getting away with it.) (I can’t remember, though.)
When’s the next day I have an appointment I can’t miss? Because if it’s more than a day or two away, and less than four or five, I know I’m not going to have the energy to shower twice between then and now. So maybe I should just wait a day, so that my shower is nearer to my appointment, which is the safest plan, since the things I was thinking of trying to do today were just for me, so if I put them off or don’t get them done it won’t cause a problem or disappoint anyone.
I don’t know how to dress today, so I won’t feel good about going out.
And if I have a shower now I’ll mess up the rest of my week.
And I’m already tired, and I haven’t even showered yet.
And I’d really like to not be worrying right now.
So I’ll push my shower back a day.
I didn’t really have to go out today anyway.