Today, I meditated. It was just another summer morning, in my tiny, little flat. Hands gently laid on my thighs, eyes shut, back straightened, breaths go in and out, steadily relaxing my shoulders, my neck, my feet and my mind. Then I went into the chaotic, cluttered void which thoughts, sensations, feelings arise.
The more I sit down and look into the void, the more aware I can be of myself.
Today, I saw fear, doubts, limitation. It is these mental barriers that have been controlling my expectation, my actions and my thoughts for the last 18 years, robbing me of a more adventurous, more fulfilling and meaningful life. I was not always like that, I used to have big, big dreams: I wanted to reach for the sky, to soak in whatever life offers, to be somebody. I wanted to go to America; in my little, magical mind, the USA was that place. It was the place for fears to be conquered, for men to become legends, for dreams to be realized. It was my dream to arrive to USA, to learn from the great men who once walked among us, to burn away the impurities of my characters through challenges and hardship. And I seem to have forgotten and abandonned this dream. No longer do I still possess that obssession, that drive to move foward ferociously, to act like I cherish every single moment of our numbered days.
I was quite angry at this realization. But it doesn’t have to continue on like this: I don’t have to submit to my fear. I can be the master of my fate, I can continue to honour my childlike mind and fulfill my own dreams. I’m reaching for America again, I’m living my dream, I’m authentically myself once again.
I smiled a subtle smile. The mind got quiet, the calmness and laxity came. Thoughts were like the thunderous clouds, eventually parted away and revealed the blue, welcoming, ever-lasting sky. I could feel my breaths got deeper, air reached deep into my stomach, travelled up and down my spine like the Kundalini snake. I was at peace with myself.
The alarm went off, 30 minutes has passed, I opened my eyes, feeling victorious.