A or Nothing - Chapter 2: Endurance
The Journey
The Untold Story
Only a few people are aware of what you’re going through. The multitude of things that a grin may conceal is impossible to foresee. Only you and a few close ones are aware of your troubles since they too experience them.
Now it’s your turn to know it. At least some part of it. So, let’s begin.
How It Started?
After graduating, I began working for an MNC in the month of August, and it felt wonderful. Some bucks in the pocket. Financial freedom. Everything going well. But MBA was always in my plans (after eliminating other options viz. Civil services, M. Tech., etc.) I wasn’t sure when to put it into action.
I consulted my elder brother before coming here to determine if I should start studying for the CAT (Common Admission Test). He advised me to join in, reasoning that it would be advantageous for me in the long run. Corporate experience. I lacked that.
As a result, in December, one of my friends (F2) called to see if I wanted to join CAT coaching. I then felt that urge. In the latter week of January, I began working towards my goals after joining the coaching.
Believe me, before I started coaching, I didn’t even know what ABC stood for. I simply knew that I would be attending the best university. And it had all started.
[For those who don’t know: ABC stands for Ahmedabad-Bangalore-Calcutta, top 3 IIMs in India]
Mundane Routine
I conducted several tests on my daily schedule throughout those ten months. Whiteboard, calendar, and notes on a phone. Every week, each had a distinct schedule. But the structure, I kept it same.
The first two to three months of my usual schedule were typical. Wake up at 7 — spend two hours studying — log in at 10 and work till 6–7 p.m. — Take a 15 to 20-minute stroll — Restudy — Eat around 8:30 pm — Attend lectures from 10 p.m. to 12 a.m. — Have a seven-hour sleep — same all over again. A busy day. No time to play. No TV. When I had free time, I enjoyed watching cricket or football. Initially felt challenging, but I was loving it.
The following four months saw a shift after that. After class ended at 12 a.m., I started studying and continued until three up in the night. Woke up at 10 a.m. and back to work. (Don’t ask about morning things, I managed it. Kind of.)
For the last 2 months, I stopped studying late. Back to normal schedule.
Possibly boring 10 months. I had no choice, though.
Fuel
I used to watch YouTube videos on the trip anytime I was lacking in energy or inspiration to continue working. I would simply close my eyes and listen to Nitin Banugade Patil sir’s talks. He mainly talked about the history of Shivaji Maharaj, Sambhaji Maharaj, and Maratha Sardars, as well as their battles and methods of combat. In my opinion, there is no greater source of inspiration than Shivaji Maharaj in the entire world. It is unsurpassed. Although this may sound like an extreme remark, you cannot ignore the truth.
The man has got some voice. You can summon the power of 100 elephants in only one minute of hearing him. He deserves praise for keeping me motivated till today.
A major source of encouragement was also one of the teachers in the coaching I had enrolled in. My 3 am Sun. On our WhatsApp group, he used to give us student messages, inspirational tales, poetry, and videos.
Other YouTube videos I used to watch were by David Goggins and Dare to Do Motivation.
I used to occasionally listen to a song called “Pendulum — The Island” when I needed an additional boost of adrenaline. When I was a college student working for a racing club, that’s when I first heard this song. Team Nemesis Racing. We listened to this song every day before reaching the event site. It is, in my opinion, the greatest song to date.
Frustration
Everything was fine with studying till the August end, then I started losing motivation. 14+ hours of screen time is no joke. I was doing it week-in week-out for months, so it was inevitable. I was making silly mistakes in mock tests like a footballer missing sitters with no goalkeeper on the goal. It was all frustrating. Burning the midnight oil for months and still not scoring well was not a good sign. It was not a good indication to work nonstop for months while yet receiving poor marks. But I persisted in my belief because I understood that “It’s not over till it’s over.”
Even though there was no one to critique me, I was completely annoyed by my consistently poor grades. This is why I can still clearly recall blowing two tennis balls into bits one day. With the other hand holding the bat, throw the ball with the left hand towards the wall, hitting it as hard as possible on the rebound. For over an hour, I was tearing them apart. It had to be released. Nevertheless, I can’t deny the feeling after watching those pieces. It was sad and soothing at the same time. Sorry about the walls and balls, but at that time there was nothing else I could do to vent my rage.
You may find it hilarious, but it happens when you repeatedly perform the same boring tasks.
I used to have a sweatshirt hanging on my chair behind my back throughout the final several months of preparation. Navy blue in hue. Tricolors on the back. Near the heart on the front was the team logo. It was the sweatshirt I had earned when I was part of Team Nemesis Racing. I got it when we won the national event in 2019. The motto behind this was “If I had gone through those moments when I would spend the entire night in the lab, a day eating nothing except a few nibbles, and sleep on a bench or occasionally on the floor, then why can’t I do it again with all the facilities I have?”
My life’s finest year to date. That had to be said again.
Burnout
27 September 2022 1:00 pm. Exactly 2 months to D-day.
“A man can still win 99 battles out of 100 when he isn’t fit physically, but it takes the universe to win you a single battle of ’em when you’re down mentally.”
Until this day, I thought, I would go on doing the same and might find improvement later in the last few weeks. But the pressure had reached its peak. The burning thread had reached the gunpowder. Water was rising above nose level. I lost interest in studying. I was on the brink of losing the endurance race. I was tired of doing tedious office work and studying. Every day seemed the same. Colorless. I grew to hate both my mobile and the laptop I used for studying. I started hating the study space I had been using. Motivational videos stopped being effective. I had reached the stage of burnout. Pure Chaos.
I decided to quit work that day and messaged one of my friends (F3) about it, but he urged me to wait until the exam was finished. I agreed with him and decided to keep the things same. I had two more months to endure.
Then, I made the decision to leave that room, which was located one story upwards and where I used to spend virtually the whole day alone. Started doing my office work from the living room. Completely abandoned attempting mocks. I was left with no motivation of reading anything. I would decide every night to attempt the mock the next day, but my mind had different plans. I used to just attend classes in order to preserve the one and only source of information. Because all I had to do was observe and pay attention. not another. Less of a brainer.
I kept the same routine for the next month (October). Simply classes and office work. I would simply watch old films on the TV in the time that was left. Cartoon sometimes. When I did this, I felt better. I needed something to keep my thoughts occupied. Perhaps for entertainment. I tried reading articles and solving QA- LRDI questions numerous times, but I couldn’t stand it for more than 30 minutes.
When the situation showed no signs of recovery three weeks before D-day, I made the decision to see a psychiatrist. When we got to the clinic, I informed him how I had been feeling for the previous four to five weeks. Fortunately, it wasn’t a significant problem. Relaxation was the only thing I really needed. Everything was fine but I needed some rest. Rest from the screen. Rest from reading. Rest from continuous pondering.
I was instructed by the doctor to practice some mindfulness exercises every day and that I will be alright in a week. I thus began to meditate twice daily. It did show improvement but I still was not overdoing anything. No mocks. Limited reading. Routine Classes. That’s all.
[I’m doing well now. No worries. On Chillax mode from December till today.]
Two weeks before D-day, I went on a small trek on the fort nearby with another friend (F4). Some physical challenges after 10 months. 15 degree Celsius. Little less oxygen on top. Load on the lungs after ages. But felt relaxed after reaching the top. A sense of satisfaction with the recent spate of failures.
Why Not So Serious?
I had attempted 0 mocks in the last two months. Zero. Nuts, right? [normally should’ve attempted at least 10]
In the last month (November), I watched Baahubali thrice on SET Max. I love that movie. I still do. Masterpiece. Baahubali- The Beginning, was the first movie I watched in theatres. It was after finishing my last exam of the 12th. MHT-CET. I relished it a lot and that’s why I remember it to this day.
I had completed watching every BB Ki Vines video on YouTube in the final week before the exam. Trust me. In the previous few months, I seldom ever laughed out like this. So perhaps I required that.
Believe me. I watched a few matches of India in the t20 world cup. I spent the whole India-Pakistan game lounging on the sofa. Till the final ball. Till the remarks made by my senior Harsha Bhogale, “Ash win, India win.” (Yes, he graduated from IIIMA.)
And I was also watching the football world cup. Whole Argentina vs Saudi Arabia game. Frustrating game but yes, I watched it. I was behaving like I had no exams. My parents didn’t stop from doing anything, because they knew the whole thing. I was relaxed like hell.
This might be the reason why I was so calm on D-day, not thinking anything about the exam. You must’ve noticed that in the first chapter.
Danger Zone
A few days after the exam, I resigned from my job and was waiting for the results.
A few more days after that, they released the Answer sheet and we got to know about the raw scores. And as expected, I scored better in QA (much much much better, 53), and the worst in VARC (too bad 12). [Apologies for the foul language]
I needed some luck in LRDI. And I scored 26 there. A very good score. Overall-91 was a very good score. Easily 99%iles.
But hold on. Before we get GDPI calls, there’s a thing we need to clear called sectional cut-offs and yes, you guessed it right, VA kept the sword hanging on my neck. I had inquired about this with one of my teachers, and he informed me that I was in a “danger zone.”
Had to wait for a few more weeks to get to know about the percentiles.
Still, I Rise
2 weeks after the exam day, I wrote a poem named “Still, I Rise”. I hadn’t written anything in ten months which I used to do so often before the preparation. The moment was ideal for making use of that interval.
The first of the stanzas goes like this:
Hey sun, my friend, blazing gun of the rays,
The don of the dawn, the god of the days,
You know, I know, I’m no bigger than you,
I’m transient, my hours of life are fewer than a few.
Don’t know how this time passes by,
But still, I rise, after myriads I die.
You will love reading it. I am attaching the link here: Still, I Rise
I was ready to rise again with full force.
Why “A”?
You might be asking, why “A or nothing”? Other colleges are good too. Valid. But the moment I got to know about my total score, which was pretty good, I got to know about my true potential. I was able to get that score even in the f*cked up state of mind I was carrying for the last 2 months before the exam.
I had decided one thing that day. Doesn’t matter if I get a call from IIMA this year or next. I am getting “A” only. That day, I carved the name “IIMA” on my study table with a pen. It was a promise to myself. To my parents. To everyone who was by my side in the last 10–11 months. To the table. To the pen. To the sun. To the night. To the tube light. To the windows. To every living- non-living thing who had watched me fighting. Struggling. Crying. And it wasn’t only carved on the table, it was carved on my heart.
It had to be paid back only by getting the best.
Call it a Dream. Obsession. Plan. Destiny. Whatever. I wanted it more than anything. Didn’t matter how much time it would take. I was ready for the next attempt too. I only wanted A.
Leo Messi once said, “Never give up on your dream, because you will get rewarded in the end. It’s like a movie which has a happy ending.”
He waited 8 years to see another world cup final. For that Golden Gleaming Gorgeous trophy. Arguably the greatest prize in football. Why can’t I wait for a few?
Summary
The lyrics of the song “Whatever It takes” sum up my journey:
🎶Break me down and build me up….
Whatever it takes
’Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
’Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains….🎶
You can read it here: Lyrics
And listen to it here: Song
Sorry, but you are still unaware of 50% of the narrative. Let’s meet up for coffee someday, and I’ll tell you everything. ;)
See you on the result day! [Chapter 3]
Continue reading here: Chapter 3: Destiny
©Dhananjay Patil, 11 June 2023. All Rights Reserved.
