I’m clearly out of my element here, but does queer now mean what the dictionary used to say it means (as in odd or different)? You describe yourself as queer, but then go on to talk about your attraction to men and your desire to be attractive to them so I’m not clear on that.
According to the NIH “ More than two-thirds (68.8 percent) of adults are considered to be overweight or obese. More than one-third (35.7 percent) of adults are considered to be obese. More than 1 in 20 (6.3 percent) have extreme obesity. Almost 3 in 4 men (74 percent) are considered to be overweight or obese.” Assuming these figures are correct, you are actually in the majority. Maybe you don’t look like a half starved model or a gymnast, but I presume you look a lot like everyone else. You use the word fat, but that can encompass a broad spectrum. I know there are men who are attracted to big women, why not try to meet someone through those channels?
Oddly, you say “I’d been told that I must always want strong, thin men like him” when describing the guy in the coffee shop. If you are unhappy that you don’t fit the prescribed mold of “attractive” why would you begin to listen to what is considered the ideal male body? What are your reactions to “fat” men; do you see them as desirable?
Believe it or not, there are thin people who lack self confidence also. Why not work on being your own best self? If you want to be the size you are and be accepted, then hold your head up high. If you want to be thinner because YOU don’t like your body then work hard at it. You are now as young as you will ever be; enjoy what you can while you can. Not everyone finds true love or has great relationships. I know it’s difficult not to obsess over it when your hormones are telling you it’s paramount, but if you concentrate on building upon what makes you feel strong and confident you will be happier and become more attractive to others. Obviously you enjoy writing and are damn good at it. Let that talent and ability flow into other aspects of your life. Best of luck to you!