Weird Parenting Shituations
There are aspects of parenting that no one could ever prepare you for before you have kids. Even hearing wild stories, and/or desperate measures taken, from other parents, you’re just like, “Yeah, ok, whatever,” until it’s you.
For instance, let’s say a random dad was staying home with a sick — with RSV — baby and he suddenly had to poop, like, REALLY bad. Normally, that anonymous dad could just put the baby in the pack-and-play with some toys, and hope she doesn’t cry, but would be ok with her crying for a few minutes because it won’t hurt a baby to cry a little bit. But, on this specific sick day, the baby REALLY doesn’t want to be left alone, and the dad can’t afford to let her cry for any amount of time because she’s already SOOOOO mucousy. More crying might push her over the mucous-edge, when she’s already on the cusp.
So, it’s cool. He just decides to let her sit on his lap while he poops. Yep. Totally normal and nothing weird about that at all. Comfortable for all parties involved. This actually works out alright for the dad at first, but then the baby gets restless and starts trying to stick her foot into the poopy toilet. This could go REAL bad for everyone involved. So the dad decides to let her down and leave the door open — because the bathroom is tiny and really standing-room for one only.
At first, the baby is happy just standing near, and on the other side of, the open door, talking in at the dad. But, then, she decides to walk around the corner, totally unseen. The dad successfully lures her back with some semi-desperate pleas, and is victoriously able to engage her in a weird game of open-bathroom-door-peek-a-boo, where she runs around the corner out of sight, and then runs back laughing, once “spotted” by the still-pooping dad.
After a few rounds, as most games do for babies, the game becomes boring for the baby and she walks to the out-of-sight zone and doesn’t come back. She’s gone for many seconds, leading to about a minute. The dad tries to call her and hears a far off laugh. He tries again to call her back, but to no avail. He desperately picks up his phone and plays music, thinking it will attract the baby. It doesn’t.
Suddenly, this unnamed dad hears rustling, similar to a chip bag, coming from the other room, all the way in his BEDROOM. “[RANDOM BABY]!” the dad shouts, “WHAT DO YOU HAVE?! COME HERE, [RANDOM BABY]!” For whatever miracle or reason, this works, and the baby comes running towards the bathroom, with a half-eaten bag of dill pickle chips she had snatched from the unidentified father’s bedside table. (Right?! Disgusting. What type of nasty, irresponsible person would leave a half-eaten bag of dill pickle chips on their bedside table?! And why would that person even be eating dill pickle chips in bed the night before, and on most nights, anyways?! Wild!)
The bag was folded and, to the nameless dad’s surprise, the baby was carrying it in the right way up, as not to spill and scatter chips alllllllllll over the entire floor. He hopes she will continue in this fashion until she reaches him, but she is, in fact, shaking the bag as she runs and laughs. When the dad sticks his head out of the bathroom door and sees this, he speaks in a way, trying to hide his distress, that will convince the baby to hand the bag of half-eaten dill pickle chips over to him, “OH MY GOD, [RANDOM BABY]! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! PLEASE GIVE THAT TO ME! THANK YOU SO MUCH! OH MY GOD!”
Shockingly, the baby happily hands the bag of dill pickle chips over to the relieved dad, who is still sitting on the toilet. With really nowhere to put them, the almost-done-pooping dad puts them out of reach, on the back of the toilet tank. The baby just stands and stares in wonder as the dad tries to wipe as quickly as possible, like a weird and awkward one-sit, one-stand-off. The final toilet flush marked the end to this nameless dad’s poopy situation and now he had to convince the baby to come away from the toilet, plunger, toilet brush, etc. while he washed his hands. He finally washed and dried his hands and it was all done. The sick baby did not cry one single time, and had remained generally happy and entertained throughout this father’s shituation.
And this shituation, though it might not sound like it at all, would be seen as a victory for the nameless dad.
