Big Change Means Resetting Your DNA

A broken jaw is a terrible thing

A broken jaw initiated me into a deeper level of dumping judgment and emptying pounding, fearful heart. Going toward the core means coming to the DNA gap at some point. The DNA gap is where change only happens if your very own DNA is reprogrammed. When past trauma becomes part of the way you live, perceive self and others, it actually changes your DNA.

In the course of the past two months, I have come to a place where literally everything evokes fear — I feel terrified of everything and it is the worst form of panic attack I can remember. It’s as if the entire inner me is a desolate stretch of pain and degradation. In other words, no relaxation or healing for me. It is as if every breath is an intake and exhale of self worthlessness discomfort.

I recognize, in the few moments I can huddle on a tiny island of release, that this is a long trek, indeed, and it isn’t about getting lost. I remember the people in my corner, my work team, and keep going. Back into the fog of fear, the damp, sucking-for-air feeling. “ It takes time to change DNA,” I chant under my breath. “It takes time.” This is a 100+ extreme race. It’s not all body sobbing release, that elixir of grief and joy intermixed. There’s plenty of time, just being in the panic, the fear zone, in which everything is something to be afraid of. Getting out of bed, making coffee in the morning, going to work, bathing, eating,writing. Especially writing. Telling my story. Talking about things I was never meant to reveal. Instinctively I understand that it’s the writing that is bringing this on. I’m past the zone where my feelings seem to be connected to specifics I can mourn or grieve or feel sad about or find joy and sometimes, even love. This endless painful field of fear is disembodied. It feels cellular. The DNA gap.

The theory is that the fear isn’t actually mine, it’s a habit. Years worth of programming. Hard code to crack. First, the thoughts that link you to your perception of what is going through, must be emptied. The thoughts come in at four to five per second. Each thought signals the body to assume a shape, a specific muscle organization assigned to handle the situation. When the thoughts are emptied before they can signal the body, your authentic, unexpressed self is exposed. The authentic self is not used to handling situations. It has long lurked below the surface, accepted the back seat versus being the driver. Thoughts telling the body to defend, blame, cover up shame and other undesirable feelings, are in the driver seat.

I have come so accustomed to covering up my feelings, I wasn’t aware of the actual level of self esteem I had to draw on. All those feelings of shame and inadequacy and being unheard. Feeling unheard is a terrible thing, and when you add a broken jaw, the situation becomes nearly unbearable. That’s where getting lost in the fog part of the story comes in. a lonely field of suppressed feelings needing to be released from your thoughts and body.

It takes time for fear programmed DNA to be reset to instinct. Your instinctual, authentic you is always present, waiting to be brought to the surface, given the reins, the key to your life. But the process can be like an extreme race. 100+ miles of the worst terrain and challenge you can imagine. If you can hang out in the midst of the race, you will change. The change you desire will happen, and in the process, so will you. All the way to the core.