This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…

My neighbor asked me to watch her house while she was out of town for a week. This house is also home to two dogs and a bunny. I eagerly accept. She has Apple TV…and HBOgo. It will be like a vacation, but just across the driveway!

Day one. Easy peasy. Food, water, potty breaks, make sure bunny has enough hay. Check.

Day two. Pretty sure the Airedale terrier knows I’m the baby sitter. He destroyed a pillow while I was at the grocery store. He just looks at me with those brown teddy bear eyes. Fuck. What’s gonna happen when I go to work tomorrow?

Is this what it’s like to have kids?? I’m fucking exhausted and all I have to do is make sure there is food and water and that no one craps in the house. I can’t imagine a tiny human toddling around depending on me for guidance and protection. I mean, let’s be honest. I came home from work one day and had to google “are skittles poisonous to dogs.” Good news, they aren’t. Bad news, I had forgotten they were on the bookshelf, and that jerk ate the whole bag. Selfish.

I can only imagine if these animals were human kids….the oldest is a girl, well-mannered, but needs a pill twice a day because she just had surgery. She only takes it with salami. The younger brother wants the medicine, the salami, the carrots or generally anything that you are holding. So, we distract him and send him outside, give the sweet girl her medicine and shove her outside too. “Keep an eye on your brother!” Then, we let the littlest one out to play in the living room where he will only scamper about when you aren’t paying attention. The moment he catches you watching or walking through, he runs back to his room. He also eats A LOT of hay.

We make it through another day and I fall asleep on the couch. This clearly means that EVERYONE needs to be on the couch…myself, 25 lbs on my feet, and another 80 lbs anywhere he can fit, which is nowhere, but he surely finds a way. And the littlest one sits in his room shredding newspaper.

We carry on like this all week, and I slowly realize this is like a miniature ranch, and I’m becoming a neurotic farm hand. Every time I leave the house I lock loose items in bedrooms and put things in strange high-up places. I speak freely and openly to the animals. We watch movies. We all sit around and eat baby carrots.

Best vacation EVER.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.