Trump has a legitimate reason for living the Paris Agreement

Donald Trump deciding to leave the Paris Agreement, also known as the Paris climate agreement, has left the world feeling abused, dirty, and polluted. President Donald Trump has left the world reeling, whimpering, and feeling like the only non-smoker in a pub. However, insiders have revealed rumors that the real reason for Trump’s decision to leave the agreement may have been triggered by something an NSA investigation has found.

Donald Trump has been extensively investigating Santa Claus after reports that Saint Nick’s helpers were not Christmas elves, but rather Chinese and Mexican workers. These reports have been filed as “classified”, however, with the recent firing of James Comey — we can speculate that these results may have struck a nerve. James Comey has also been seen throwing away what appears to be a reindeer costume, which may lead us to think his firing was due to him being discovered as an undercover caribou. Where the FBI may have ruined the investigation, the NSA have not failed to deliver.

After executing malware on Santa Claus’ laptop, a Dell XPS 13, the NSA was able to recover the naughty and nice lists for this year’s Christmas, with rumors claiming that Donald Trump was on the naughty list. The rumors go on to say that after Trump found out he will be getting coal this Christmas, he might as well leave the Paris Agreement and rather use this coal to power American homes. Talk about putting America First.

After altruism like this, it is hard to see how much longer the President will remain on the naughty list, or perhaps this begs the deeper question, what has Trump been doing to retain the number four spot on the naughty list. There have been utterances that ahead of Trump was James Comey himself, which leads one to think, oh dear, what did he do? Pun intended.

Further rumors have stated that the full lists where hacked from the NSA by both the Russians and the North Koreans, but the lists themselves have not been released by either nation for some reason. After the release of the WannaCry ransomwear, it has been speculated that the North Koreans were behind the attacks because they desperately needed the money to fund their Nuclear program. If this is true, then Kim Jong-un may be on the naughty list too, resulting on Saint Nick not delivering the requested intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile.

Right now, reports are still sparse, but Europe is worried that Donald Trump is in fact behind Kim Jong-un on the list, and he may try something to leap frog the Korean dictator, America First, even if that is first on the wrong list.

We will continue to keep you posted as the news lands.

- Captain Cuddles