Personal Growth and Inadvertent Pain
So I’d come to realize some time ago that I perhaps sold myself short in my marriage. I am content to co-parent for the time being but I realize my marriage will never fully reconcile. I also realize that is mostly my fault. I’m long past the point where I’ve punished myself and forgiven myself.
Truth be told I’ve only really come into my own while married. My wife on the other hand almost as a point of spite has retreated into a shell of narrow mindedness and immaturity. This isn’t an article on her however so I’ll move on to the things I have come to realize about myself.
First and foremost is that god, your priest, your religious congregation or spiritual community have absolutely no business dictating your sex life. We hold ourselves to sexual standards that at best are outmoded and at worst patriarchal and sexist. “Women should be chaste.” “Men are going to be hornier by nature.” “Fornication is a sin!” Ok I could go on with this but the truth is nobody has the right to impinge upon you their sense of morality where it relates to your sexuality. (no, not even you)
Shame is a control mechanism that all too often interferes only with women’s enjoyment of sex. Where I have grown is my own understanding of this. When I was younger it was much much easier to brand a woman a slut. Now I struggle to even utter the word. I constantly find myself relating to the experimental girl who struggles to find something/ someone that gives them satisfaction. Which brings me to my next theory. Is any one person truly capable of fulfilling you sexually? No. Yet deviating from a monogamous relationship to find that fulfillment brings you….. you guessed it, shame.
Another thing I have come to realize is that jealousy is the most worthless and destructive emotional state you can exhibit. In the long history of relationships nobody has ever woken up and said, “Well thank the powers that be that I’m jealous and possessive because it enriches my life so much.” I’ve changed the way I process jealousy.
Let’s do some relationship math. Are you personally the greatest lover in the world? (No. Just stop, no you aren’t.) Are you even the best lover in the world for any one other human being? No. I’m not saying you cannot be the best someone has ever experienced, you can be. But assuming that person could try a new person every day the law of averages suggests they will find someone with a better mannerism, technique or perhaps most painful, better physical build for pleasuring them. Now that we are mature enough to recognize that, should we be so selfish as to deny them other experiences with other consenting partners? For a lot of people they will come up with the answer “NO!” because it excludes them from their lover’s attention. What if it didn’t have to?
So if someone has been there for you on a personal level through thick and thin, to me that is loyalty. Fidelity is less important. (Hear me out.) Suppose someone feels a kinship with you, loves the way you think, has helped you reach your dreams and has never let you down when you needed something. That is worth more than never experimenting with another physical lover. Fidelity is impossible by contrast. Tell me you never look at anyone else. Tell me you define your partner as the LONE symbol of attraction in life. Tell me you don’t feel alive when someone new flirts with you. If you tell me these things all of them will be lies. They will be comforting lies but lies none the less. So now you take that person who has elevated your life, the loyal one who adores you but…. isn’t seeing you as attractive as you were or as sexually active as you were or maybe just bored with the routine…shouldn’t you bless rather than hinder and resent their attractions to others? They give you everything, give them the pleasure they seek. Support their thirst to learn more about their desires. You have them too after all.
As an aside, I have come to see that most people who are largely against their partner taking up a new lover tend to be looking elsewhere for flirtations, sitting in discrete naughty chats, sending nudes or even having affairs. Why? Because you’ve met people more interesting or attractive or akin to your sexual desires than your partner. Thus applying the math if you don’t hold them in place with an iron fist they might discover someone THEY feel more interesting, attractive or akin to their desires. (Oh no! I’m implying you aren’t the greatest lover in the world again!) Take my advice, stop competing with the entire world and start letting discrete, safe and respectful guests help to enhance your relationship.
So what I’ve learned about myself in all this is that I’m not a freak. I get called that often and it doesn’t bother me as a label I just feel it doesn’t really fit. If anything I feel like most people just don’t share my paradigm. Some fellas get possessive over vibrators even! Some ladies get upset about their partner watching porn! Admittedly I used to get jealous about how I cannot do what those toys and visual aids can do. But why should I feel inadequate to an object whose only purpose is to vibrate or a production custom tailored to elicit a response? I should not. These are just props. The same way a movie is more interesting with visual effects and props sex can be made more interesting with toys and porn. Sure I can’t vibrate at X amount of vibrations per minute and I don’t own a porn studio, but I was never designed to and I can comfort you, advise you, be there for you, get to know you and support your goals in life. Let’s see a rabbit do all that! What matters is the personal relationship I have with my partner or partners if you are poly amorous. Why throw all that I have to offer away because I want to play with someone who likes spankings when you don’t. Perhaps my would-be partner just shares a kink with me that you don’t indulge in. What happens? Do you reluctantly cater to my kink? Do you force me to go without? What if you have a kink I’m not down with? Do I just tell you “tough, that’s a permanent never again!” I would rather watch you take up that kink with someone who enjoys it and take my own enjoyment from bringing you the pleasure you sought.
Guys love threesomes don’t they? My goodness it’s the first real fantasy for us isn’t it? Two big tittied ladies fawning all over us and gratuitously making out for our pleasure?! Yes please! I like threesomes. Yes I do. I have learned though that I actually prefer a man woman man threesome. I am not bi. I don’t plan on playing with another guy directly. But two guys one girl gives more options than me and two women to please. Why? I do go in to please. I am tentative and focused on it. I can’t be that focused on two at once though. Also let’s face it, women like being the attention center and if you fail to balance the attention one way or the other, HURT FEELINGS! Besides as long as I’m your priority in life then I am not really risking anything. I want your relationship to not go away. If you leave me because another man pleases you more then our relationship wasn’t as important to you as it was to me. This is an infinitely better way to find that out. At least I was invited to the end. If you do value me as a person then he becomes a guest. Maybe a favored guest. So long as he respects that role and no usurping is attempted well that’s a scenario you two always have available. I wouldn’t say push someone into another man’s arms per say but if you are established and have a threesome and she stays with you and he goes home when the night’s play is over then you know you are priority and she knows she has a fun option. You become more appealing, not less because you don’t stifle.
I want it both ways of course. I want a girl who will be a wingman for me as well on occasion. I mean why not? I’m willing to please you so if an opportunity arises give back. I don’t mean I want every girl I see, I just mean sometimes it’s nice to have an adventure. It’s nice to feel the rush of a new lover. Right? (Oh you don’t know what I’m talking about. Never wanted anyone but the person you are with, I forgot.) Besides it is just nice to know you are still wanted on a physical level and not just by the one person who knows you the best and may be forsaking your waning looks because you’re amazing company.
So having just stepped back out of the “open summer” arrangement my wife and I had it’s also nice sometimes to just focus on one person too. I feel like a relationship should be adventurous as an exception and not the rule. Eventually if you experiment too often it loses the context of something you experience together and priorities begin to shift. Maybe affections begin to rise that rival your own. Are you and your partner equipped to be emotionally poly amorous? Maybe she wants two men in her life. I’m not about saying that cannot be okay. As long as I am a priority in your life and I enjoy your company and you enjoy mine, do I need to be your only priority? It’s like saying your sports car feels worthless when you use your truck to haul something or that your truck feels inadequate when you go cruising in your Challenger. Assuming they had emotions neither should feel that way if they took the time to affirm their priority status to you the driver. Insecurities are right next door to jealousy in usefulness in my book. That is one book I would like to burn.
I’m not built for strict monogamy. I’m not sure any well adjusted human really well and truly is. Not if you don’t shower in the lies you have told yourself all your life anyways. “I’m not attracted to anyone but my soulmate” “I have a soulmate” “I am the greatest lover ever, nobody should want to cheat on me” “If someone wants another person physically then they don’t love me or care about me” These are the lies monogamy preys upon to work, insomuch that it even does. I have learned that I value honesty and loyalty from my partner. I value honesty and loyalty to myself even more.