I’ve been free of self-harm for one year

Rachel Tonks Hill
Sep 3, 2018 · 2 min read
“woman jumping on green mountains” by Peter Conlan on Unsplash

Today marks the first anniversary of me quitting self-harm.

One entire year has gone by since I last hurt myself on purpose, and you know what? I’m fucking proud of myself.

It’s a hell of an achievement.

And it hasn’t been easy.

I wrote a post around the nine month mark, and I noted that it would take some incredible hard work and determination to get to my first anniversary. And it has done.

But I did it.

Despite the pitfalls. Despite the temptation. I made it an entire year without using my most self-destructive coping mechanism.

Let me be brutally honest with you; I’ve come close. Especially in these last three months.

I’ve questioned whether the year long streak was really worth the effort.

Sometimes that answer seemed to be no. What’s the promise of a future celebration when I could be getting relief for my suffering right now?

I’ve even gone so far as to have my chosen instrument in my hand, ready to do myself an injury.

But even when I got that close, there was something in me that was holding on to the promise that I made myself. That I would do everything I could to get to this point.

So I put the thing down and called for help. Sometimes literally. And someone would come sit with me until the urge passed.

Does this mean I’m free of the self-harm forever?

No it doesn’t.

I have no way of knowing what the future might bring, what trials I might have to go through and what pain I might feel. Self-harm is a crutch I might very well need again.

Because sometimes it’s the lesser of two evils.

But I know that I can give it up when it’s no longer necessary. I can go an entire year without hurting myself, and that’s powerful.

If I’ve done it once, I can do it again. And knowing that is half the battle.

I am eighteen months out from a suicide attempt. One whole year free of self-harm.

I am strong. I am not ashamed. I am brave.

I am brave.

Rachel Tonks Hill

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