EXPECTATIONS -IS IT A SOURCE OF INSPRIRATION OR AN AISLE THAT LEADS TO TARGEDY ?
Having an expectation is perfectly fine , but do not fool yourself by refusing to accept reality !!!
Perfectly alright to have an expectation from every situation ,people and occurrences of life events .As humans we are as dependent as we are independent . Hence having a reciprocal or one-sided expectation is a done thing . Consider this . Will any will balk if a parent expects that their children will do better than them in their lives ; will any refute the advice that, if some one does good, he or she will get it back doubled !.
When an expected outcome is met with , the joy it delivers is something to cherish . Ask an athlete or a sportsman who reaches the No 1 spot after a series of failed attempts just at the door step of victory but lost it time and again. You can know the power of a fulfilled expectation .
In many ways , if we do not have expectations , then life becomes that much boring and dull ; if we are to accept everything that happens to us on its own and we do not a view , then ,I think , we have problem here . Hence expectation in that sense is a wall that pushes you back to the start line so that one can go over it with all the more efforts . Expectation sets the road map , spots the milestones , define the quantum of effort needed and also makes you run around to gather the needed skills in pursuit of the expectations .
All is not well :
Despite the meaning and purpose it serves us in our life time , expectations from ones own self , or from others can at times trick and take you down a negative spiral of thoughts and emotions . Here is a story .
A friend of mine was a top class games and sports personality , not just during his youth times and even beyond in to his 50s. Pumped lot of his personal wealth to build facilities for his children to be groomed as great players of the game of tennis in which he was a mater professional . The children too in their early teens showed lot of promise and everyday I used to see the father cum coach taking them thru the gruelling sessions. “One day, you will seem them on the television channels captain “ — the proud friend used to shout whenever i talk to him . Life took me to a different place for thriving and lost touch with them .
After almost a decade , I came back to the town, and the first thing I did was to rush to my friend’s court to check on the wards progress. I was shocked to see the place being converted as a huge gated community with around hundreds of houses and when I checked on my friend’s family, no one was able to tell anything credible . That made me more determined to find him out !
After much efforts , I traced his whereabouts , drove down to his place and caught him by surprise !! I just could not believe my eyes when I saw my friend in very poor health, physically and mentally and trying to tuck away from the crowd . I could gather that he was not too happy on my gate crashing at his undisclosed place.
After much persuasion, he opened up his story of the last ten years . The children grew up in life and as one should have expected , their interests areas also enlarged and tennis in that order was pushed down to the lower order pursuit . Eventually they found the men of their lives and moved on to chase their dreams .
So, what is the big deal ? They did what most grown ups do ? Yes, perfectly normal as far as the children are concerned ; but there is one more actor in the drama — my friend , their father !! Here is where the story gets a bit melancholic .
He poured out his heart to me for more than an hour ; almost repeating his pains in different ways ; At times his narrations were peppy when he spoke about his children’s early life and at times it was full of disgust, wrath and fire when he shared his bitterness . The underlying Villain in this melodrama is none other than “his own expectations “from his children and how was he “betrayed “- if I were to use his own word.
Expectations seem to be messy :
Well , now we can understand the two different paths expectations can take us thru in our lives .
So, what went wrong with my friend and his expectations. Here is my attempt to make meaning of my friend’s story in terms of expectations.
I see expectations at two levels ; the first level is the expectation we have of ourselves and from ourselves; and the second is the expectations we have from others and others expectations from us !
Expectation of ourselves and from ourselves :
I just did a trek in April to the Himalayas and took selfies at 12000 feet altitude , the highest I could against the target to reach the Chandrasheel peak at 13000 feet !! So far so good . Lot of gut, grit ,push and drive to get thus far . Being a sporty type of a guy, I have set 15000 feet as the target for next april , what I call as my expectation from myself on my trekking adventure. This part of the expectation management is easy ; if I do not feel fit closer to the dates , I will drop out and work at it again, provided I still have the passion and drive for trekking . Here I control most of the variables that either help or stop me from meeting my expectations .
Expectations from others and vice versa :
We enter the wicked phase of this exploration now ! Wicked , because , these situations will seemingly give you a picture as if you are in control , but slowly , you will be proved wrong by the events that unfold . Many a times , by the time we realize that our expectations are not going to be met , we have built so many castles in the air and scared to demolish all that from our illusionary, deceptive and imaginary world . We fear the consequences of an unfulfilled dream staring at us in it crude and naked form .
In my friend’s case , he kept on lamenting when he opened up ,”I sacrificed so much for their upliftment , but none of them really lived up to my dreams and expectations”. The hurt is so deep and views so frozen , eventually took a toll on him and his family and made him live a life of a Victim in an undisclosed place . In his dream world , he perhaps had taken that his children will live his dreams and fulfil his expectations from them . Alas , in his overdriving expectation , he has not factored the evolution of his children on their own and failed to recognize that they are entitled to have their own views of the world and take decisions in line with that . Even after good ten years since the events , he harbours the grudge and disgust of a failed father , a cross which he was not required to carry had he been in touch with the reality of his children’s lives and moderated or aligned his expectations with that . He did not realize that only a negligible percentage of children achieve accolades in areas where their parents too achieved stardom . He could have done well had he realized the unique skills and talents of his children and worked along with them to achieve mastery , that in my view is not only smart parenting , but also an enabling parenting .
“ You are all the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent herewith “- Khalil Gibran .
How will you deal with this ?
Enhance self awareness :
We think , we know ourselves well ; but the truth is others know you as much as you know about yourself . Imagine this . If you nurture a deep rancour for the other , will you expect him to have feelings of love for you ? Very unlikely . We will be very naïve to even have such an expectation from the other person . This is so ,because the other person knows exactly as to what you think of him . Thus a period of listening to your inner voices, will help you understand oneself better and armed with this insight , one could have a better handle on what to expect from whom and why .
Give the devil its space :
Respect the uniqueness in others . Not being good at something also means that they are good at something else . There is a greater joy in spotting this and help the person unleash his/her potential by your honest feedback and guidance . You will be respected for more since you have included the person to define his/her dreams rather than making them living “your life “to fulfil your expectations . Inclusion , it is said ,as the greatest dose of validation .
Have the humility to let go and walk off :
Perhaps the biggest virtue to have in mentoring and guiding is this ,in my view . There may be times , when the aspiration of the person you are moulding can be grossly at variance with what you bring to the table . At times of these sort , a honourable exit from the responsibilities or helping the person to find someone better than yourself will earn tonnes of good will and admiration for you . I know of coaches who train the colts in their centres to reach certain level and on reaching those milestones in their skills, they voluntarily move the wards to a better coaching environment and watch and clap their wards success in larger arenas . How great to see everyone as a winner in this situation !
So, in the final analysis ….
Life with out Expectations is equivalent to a body with out a soul ; at the same time , a life full of expectations from others ,all the time makes one selfish and self centred . Its almost saying ,” Either my way or hi way “! . At some level , a very high expectation from others is also a manifestation of one’s own inadequacies and insecurities . This makes the person to expect more than the fair share from others and this approach is a sure path to agony and misery to all around .
The time when someone says , “I am independent and has a personality of my own and at the same time I am inter dependent on many around me for my succor “ , then I think the person is close to finding a solution to this complex phenomena called expectation . Under such conditions , every event of life can be enjoyed or managed in the true sense. More joy , more acceptance , and lesser disappointments.
