Invasion of the Body Snatchers…

I close my eyes…

The roar of silence rips apart my ear drums. My hands are on fire, and armies of imaginary black widow spiders crawl beneath the surface of my legs. I shift under the covers of my queen sized bed and the searing shoulder pain is unbearable. My left arm is sleeping like a 10 lb. baby under the weight of my head. I am exhausted and it’s only 9am. It feels as though I have been sprinting in circles all night, although, I’m quite positive this is the first night I’ve slept more than five hours in at least a month. I can taste the salty tears cascading down my face, but I’ve become cold and uncaring. I wipe them away with a quick flick of my wrist and just like that they are forgotten. My mind dwells on the fact that I may not be able to afford a roof over my head in the coming months because I can’t hold down a full time job, or even a part time job… hell, I can’t even hold my own shit together half of the time. This carousel of thoughts seems to be broken… stuck on the fastest setting unable to stop turning. “Everyone has problems!” My inner voice shouts… “Yours are no worse than anyone else’s, you will be ok.” I laugh out loud as if my brain just told a funny joke, but who I am I kidding… my whole life is a joke. 5 years ago I would have never imagined myself in this mess of a body. I’ve been wrecked and ravaged. Good news though, heart condition has been “fixed” with an SVT Ablation procedure… Although, Autonomic Nervous System malfunction number ONE is a greedy little tyrant that cannot be controlled with even the fiercest commands. Autonomic Nervous System malfunction number TWO is a bratty two year old throwing fits every five seconds regardless of how much I cater to it. Can I call this a life? I’m not quite sure. I think about giving up, but then I think of how stubborn I am. I want to push back hard against these obnoxious, overwhelming, and clearly unwanted guests. I want to live, and breath pain for without it I could never hope to understand beauty. Can I call this a life? Yes, I can. Will I continue to live it? Yes, I will.

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