My community taught me more than ‘teaching’ them
Written by Marla Arreza, Cardoner Volunteer Batch 6 | Deployed to Xavier Learning Community, Chiang Rai, Thailand
Time flies
It’s crazy to think how I’m now on my second half of stay here in Xavier Learning Community (XLC). Time flew a little too fast. What I used to consider as a long and frightening journey passed by in a blink of an eye. If only I have the power to freeze the time, I would do it without hesitation.
My community taught me more
I guess I’ll be going out of XLC soon almost a brand-new person. This community taught me more instead of me ‘teaching’ them the lessons I’m assigned.
My previous work in public service allowed me to connect to the communities we were serving, but because I was only in-charge of the roll-out of the programs and projects, there were lines that clearly separated us. Although without a doubt we always gave our best to serve the people, I realized things were a bit transactional — for as long as the things expected are delivered, everything’s good. At the end of the day, I only have myself to take care. My security. My stability. My happiness. They were all about “me”.
I guess this is what Jesuit education means when they say “men and women for others” and “magis” — to give yourself for others, and to do more of what’s expected. They used to be empty phrases for me that the only reason I remember is that I got to hear it countless of times when I was studying. Maybe there were instances in the past that we got to apply them because the school provided us avenues, but I think I never really got to internalize them.
Living in a community composed of people from different cultures and backgrounds enabled me to really open myself to others, and push myself to do things I never imagined of doing. Old me would probably be surprised what kind of path I’m currently taking.
I have come to see different faces of struggles and happiness here. My view of the world significantly widened because of this community. I realized I have been stuck in my echo chamber for way too long, and I needed to wake up.
At peace now
I was given a chance to travel back to the Philippines last February for teachers’ training. During my short stay, I met with friends I haven’t seen for years. Our kamustahan made me realize how better I am now — literally and figuratively. When they asked me, “Kamusta naman ka, Mar?” Without so much thinking, I calmly responded with, “At peace na ‘ko.”
I realized how unhealthy the situation I was in before leaving. And now, I’m in what I prayed for a year ago — a peaceful and healthy environment.
Last Songkran break, AdDU organized a mid-year retreat in Bangkok. In one of the individual consultations, our retreat director asked how I am, and what do I really mean whenever I say “okay”.
The question brought me back to the time when I just arrived in Thailand. Every day, my prayer used to be, “Lord, heal me from all the things that are hurting me.” I remember back then I would really cry myself to sleep because I was in so much pain. I was really hurting inside.
I just realized that it has been long since the last time I prayed that. Lately, my prayers have been really full of gratitude and hopes for the people I care about here. This community healed a person they didn’t break.
Another question asked during the retreat was how did we find the silence during our individual prayers. I answered that if I came from another kind of work, and just went to Bangkok solely for retreat, I would have been disturbed by literal silence.
During my first month of stay in the community, I used to call friends who were previously deployed here to talk about how uncomfortable I was of the silence. At night, I could almost not hear anything except for the gust of the wind, the barks of the dogs, and the chirps of the birds. As someone who lived in the downtown all her life, I wasn’t used to it.
I remember in one conversation with one of them, we got to talk how the literal silence here would bring you to so much self-awareness. When everything physically becomes silent, noise starts to enter your head. It took me almost a month to embrace the silence, and find comfort in it.
When you’re very busy, it’s hard to find time to really check yourself. I never had the chance before to pause. It was only here that I was able to step back a little, and reflect on the events in my life, and how I acted and responded accordingly.
It’s a hard to admit that you have not been living the way you want to be despite looking like you have all things figured out. It was a hard pill to swallow. Maybe in some instances I was genuinely happy, but they only lasted for short amount of time. I was constantly chasing things that were fleeting before. I never really had peace in me. I kept on running away, not knowing I was only just running away from myself. It was a struggle facing my doubts and fears, but I’m glad I was given avenue to come to terms with them.
Fear, in general, lingers
Although I am ‘at peace’ now, fear, in general, lingers. The past months have been really great for me here. I have been living my best life here. But things are starting to sink in now, and I should face it with braveness. My time left here is now very limited. I have to move forward soon.
The thought of starting from scratch again brings fear to me. The unknown still frightens me. Where do I head next? What will I do next? Will there be space for me waiting?
Our retreat director helped me break down the concern into details, and I was able to point out how not having a ‘tangible’ thing yet worries me, and how a past experience still stirs doubt in me. Apparently, I’m not as confident as I appear to be. I still sell myself short at times.
I looked back to the years after my college graduation, and checked how my journey was. I never really had things easy. I had to stumble and fall multiple times. Whenever people tell me how good my life is now, at the back of my head I say, “If only they knew what I had to go through to reach this far.” But despite all the hardships that I went through, God really provided.
With my volunteer journey ending soon, I believe that the invitation for me is to trust in God’s plan and timing. I may not exactly know what the future holds, but He knows for sure what’s best for me. I have to believe that He will always provide. Whenever I doubt the strengths and talents given to me, I have to trust the One who has always seen me as ‘qualified’.
I hope I have made a significant contribution in the community
I have told some of my students before that I know that I am not, and will never be the best teacher here, but if there’s something I hope for, I hope I have made a significant contribution in the community. It may not necessarily be inside the four walls of the classrooms or related to academics. I hope in some of my interactions and dealings with the people around, I have left a mark in them.
I always tell my students that they will always have a supporter in me, and I really mean it. When things get tough in the future, and they start doubting their capabilities, I hope they remember that I’m always rooting for them. I will always be that proud teacher who believes in their potential.
Love, Marla / Mar / T. Mala
Thank you so much, Xavier Learning Community. I have nothing but gratitude. Thank you for welcoming and embracing a stranger. I pray that the institution continues to grow, and be able to serve more people in need. I pray that more people would come to help sustain the mission.
My time in the community is coming to an end, but I know it won’t be a goodbye. I hope I cross paths again with some of you in the future.
Love,
Marla / Mar / T. Mala