Annie Black
“I wandered and turned through the wide, uninhabited corridors of my mind, going back as far as I could remember. It was as if I was set in a time machine with the months and years swiftly passing as I went back in time watching my life and trying to find the points of negation, the points of avoidance, the points of the past that determined the uninhabited corridors of my present.”
That was the last passage I recorded in my journal before walking out of the front door with $200.00 in my pocket, and $89.00 in my checking account. I had a one way train ticket and a carryon bag. The freedom I felt, just walking out the front door, far outweighed my fear of the unknown.
As I stood on the dirt road that led from my house, I turned around for one last look at the little house where I have lived alone almost all of my adult years. A tear rolled down my cheek as I swallowed hard, turned away and walked along the road with the hot sun beating down on me. I didn’t know where I was going, I only knew it was time to go. The safety and security of that little house was smothering me.
I walked about two miles down the road when a car pulled up beside me. “Want a ride? I’m going as far as Falling Creak Meadow,” he said. I studied his face a moment, thought about how hot it was, and how far it was to the railroad station, I said, “Sure, I’d appreciate it.”
Falling Creek Meadow was a dry place. The fifteen or so inhabitants were dry, the sand was dry and there wasn’t even one bottle of wine to be found -anywhere. Falling Creek Meadow was the cross-roads. The railroad station was a small, wooden, one room building that stood in the middle of no-where.
If, from that small railroad station, you decided to board the Port-Chance train south, more than likely, you were looking for trouble. If you decided to board going north, you were looking for escape in solitude. If boarding meant east, you were probably looking for a well-bred, rich husband or wife. If west, you were looking for adventure. I boarded the Porta-Chance North.
On board, I settled in and allowed the Porta-Chance North to numb my unwanted alliance with my present and drifted in the comfortable contentment of the Porta-Chance North fog.
“Good morning.” The voice was filled with uncertainty. “Do you remember me?” “Good morning,” I said. “Yes, of course I remember you. You gave me a ride to Falling Creek Meadow. I’m sorry, please tell me your name again.”
“My name is Sam Davis, or maybe Sam Davisowsky, I’m not really sure. I’ve never been sure.” “Does it really matter?” I asked. He gave me a look, as if to say, of course it matters, but to me he said, “No, I guess not.”
“In case you forgot, my name is Annie Black. Where are you going Sam?” I don’t know.” Sam said. “North I guess.” He looked at me and a flicker of life danced in his eyes. I saw it for an instant and then it was gone. “Would you care for some breakfast?” Sam asked. “Sure,” I said. “I’ll have a glass of orange juice and coffee.” Sam ordered two glasses of juice, coffee and various pastries.
As we had breakfast, I asked Sam, “What do you think about the Porta-Chance North?” Sam looked at me questioningly and said, “I don’t understand the question. There’s nothing to think about. The Porta-Chance North isn’t going anywhere, it’s just going north, and so what is there to think about? I mean, Annie, I really don’t know how to answer that question. I don’t know what to think about it.”
I contemplated Sam’s response and said, “Sam, don’t you find it strange that the Porta-Chance North gave absolutely no indication of where it’s going, just north?” “But Annie,” Sam said, “that’s what the Porta-Chance North is all about.” “I know Sam,” I said. “But don’t you think we could at least have an idea of where we would like to go?” Sam’s eyes were vacant and he said nothing. He turned and stared out of the window as the train continued north.
The trip was long and at times exhausting. Sam and I spent quite a bit of time with each other during the five days we rode the Porta-Chance North. We didn’t talk much and we never really laughed, only smiled once in a while. But Sam came to some conclusions while riding.
“Annie,” Sam said, “would you consider staying with me? I need you.” I looked into his eyes where no life flickered, no hope lived, only dispassionate existence. “Sam, I have nothing to give you. I’m searching for my own life. Right now I’m but a void, sitting here with you on the Porta-Chance North, going nowhere.” “That doesn’t matter Annie; as long as we’re not alone. As long as we have each other.”
“Neither one of us can love the other if we don’t know and love ourselves,” I said. “It doesn’t matter if we’re in love or not.” Sam said. “Yes it does matter Sam.”
Sam was lonely and he didn’t understand why love mattered. Sam’s fear of the unknown far outweighed his desire, if any, for love and freedom. He turned his face to the window as the Porta-Chance North pulled into the Freedom Port Junction. I wished I could help him, but I knew she couldn’t. “Good bye Sam, take care of yourself,” I said, as I got up to get off at the junction.
As I stepped down onto the platform, I unconsciously turned myself facing west. I stood at the junction, confused and weary, wondering if I made the right decision to get off the Porta-Chance North. There, at Freedom Port junction, when the Porta-Chance North pulled out, another passenger stood alone, facing west, facing me. I was startled for a moment. I thought I was the only one who got off at the junction.
“Hi, my name is Crystal Rollins.” Hello,” I said slowly, I’m Annie Black.”
I stood back with a sudden start. Crystal looked directly into my eyes. There was no fear, no doubts, no fog, only the pure clarity of knowing the basic principles of life and self. Eyes, they say so much, I thought.
Life began to stir in me. Life I had forgotten how to feel. “Where are you headed, Crystal?” “I’m headed west.” Crystal answered. “Why west?” I asked. Crystal thought about my question for a second or two and then said, “Who knows? I sat on the Porta Chance North for five days trying to determine my next move.” “I don’t mean to be intrusive,” I said, “but you are the first person I’ve talked to in a very long time and I haven’t actually talked to you, but it feels like I know you.”
Crystal smiled and said, “Well I don’t think we’ve ever met.” “No,” I said, I know we’ve never met, but when I got off the Porta-Chance North and saw you standing there and you looked at me with such clarity in your eyes, you woke something in me and my spirit stirred. I hope that doesn’t sound too strange to you.” “That’s beautiful Annie, not strange at all. Thank you for such kind words.”
“So, west?” I said questioningly. Crystal had a backpack and a small overnight piece of luggage. She put them down on the platform and said to me, “I’ve taken many detours throughout my life, but I’ve always known the place where I must be. Now my life is such that going to that place is the only thing that matters to me. If my life is to mean anything at all, then, being true to who I am is my mission and going west, somehow, holds the meaning to my truth.”
I listened intensely, and then asked, “What does the west have that holds meaning to your truth?” “Annie,” Crystal said, “it’s not the west itself, it’s going west that holds the meaning to the truth of who I am; to my truth. It’s the adventure and the passion for living. Annie, think about that secret place inside of you that you’ve never dared look at before.”
“I get it,” I said,” “It’s not the destination it’s the journey that holds adventure, life and growth. it’s the journey that tells you who you are and shows you how to fall in love with yourself.” Crystal knew I understood.
The Porta-Chance West pulled into the junction. The train stopped and the doors opened. Inside, the Porta-Chance West looked like a small city with stores, restaurants and people walking and talking; Crystal and I heard laughter and music coming from the train. I fleetingly thought of Sam and the Porta-Chance North and was drawn immediately to the light of the Porta-Chance West.
