How to Avoid a Fight
Fighting sucks. Or is it maybe I suck at fighting? When I get into my power stance and look in the mirror, I don’t look like guys in trunks snarling at each other in the ring. I have a chicken’s chest. Thin arms. Frail legs. I spend that time trying to figure if I look like a poor man’s Charles Barkley or an inmate from Green Mile. I’m not all the way sure if I look the part but if I put Alka Seltzer Plus in my mouth and let it simmer, it would help my war face.
I always wonder what my first move would be. Maybe a right jab. Left hook. When is it ok to start kicking? Is that a better first move, you think? I mean it’s an unexpected first step but would it be hard enough for them to notice? Is kicking even legal in a street fight? And when do I duck? How do you develop a strong chin? Should I always wear a junk protector for those “kick ‘em in the nuts” kinda guys? In an effort to resolve a heated dispute with hands and feet, fighting has created a dilemma where I’m fighting all the questions in my head. I don’t get it. Fighting is complicated.
In light of all this, I’ve decided to come up with solutions to help me avoid this matter all together:
- Wear glasses whenever I’m not in my car. I feel like this is a great strategy because bullies would have a hard time bragging about beating up someone who needs help seeing. I think that story would make them look pathetic.
- I always act like I’m on my cell phone. It’s like a sidekick/witness in times of trouble. It might help to say a curse word every three words to make me look like I could “fuck some shit up”. I don’t think I would do well saying “mess some crap up”. I might get my “butt kicked”. Or “punched” depending on what move is a better first move. Or second. Or whatever.
- About once a week, I take in a Jean Claude Van Damm movie. He always comes off as a guy-next-door that never wants to hurt anyone but in the blink of an eye, someone’s going to the ER. And buddy, it’s not him. He is my inspiration. I do wonder why he never gets charged with assault. Must be Stand Your Ground or something. And finally…,
- I tell my opponent in the heat of the moment that I’m a lover, not a fighter. Dr. King’s approach always helps because not only is he the father of civil rights, but he also has a federal holiday named after him and people know that. Look, it could work for me. You know what they say, “ Don’t knock it until you try it”.
Or maybe I could just mind my business or pray for my enemies or don’t post on people’s page. I mean whatever works.