I’ve noticed that I’m writing for an audience. One, I’m fully aware is nonexistent, but it is nonetheless influencing — my writing style, my expressions, the ideas that unravel quicker than I can consciously acknowledge. I’m not particularly proud of that (writing for an audience, I mean). My intention is to transition into writing for myself as opposed to writing to be read. I want my authentic, awkward, oddly-specific voice to shine, to lead my prose, to engage the world (I know this seems contradictory, but I mean, I want my authentic voice to exist period — something I find I’m still developing).

I’ve realized, (sometime long ago) that I delve into most topics and seem to go deeper into the intricacies of their content, no matter how insignificant. My thoughts seem to be more concerned with grasping concepts holistically as opposed to linear/sequential thought processes.

It happens when I’m telling a story, my mind will wander onto some seemingly unimportant tangent about the whatever it is I’m describing.

I’m not sure if it is just a manifestation of my awkwardness. But I consider myself to be rather aware, insightful, and understanding of myself and other individuals. I’m sure I would catch onto how others were perceiving me.

I am also unsure as to how I’m growing at the moment. It’s like trying to see a normal reflection in a foggy, upside-down, funhouse mirror. That’s how I’m feeling. Then add a lot of dread and confusion. A lot of uncertainty plaguing at my every move.

I’m at a crossroad where I feel everyone but myself deserves to know their next step. Whereas I feel lost, misunderstood and generally depressed. I’m self-sabotagging. And this isn’t much like the angsty phase from teenagedom. This is a lot more stressful, it seems like a right of passage I’m missing, that I’m possbily scared to take.

I’ve been feeling various emotions consistently and so it becoming increasingly difficult to pinpoint what emotions I am feeling and for what purpose. This goes beyong the general daily emotive responses. This is a deeply-rooted emotion(s) that has/ve been brewing for day(s), week(s), month(s), year(s). I have not learned to control my emotional scale and maintain a healthy and well-needed balance. I am a work in progress.

Sidenote: Another huge self-development project is to try and steer away from commonly used phrases and cliches.

Me to Me: Don’t be tacky.

One thing I find particularly fascinating, at least from my own perspective is that a lot of my development as a human being has been a series of realizations that are truly simple. Typically, it’s common sensical truths that I had lacked to apply to my world-lens and due to a “life lesson”, became more cognizant of it (taking it more into consideration than previously noted).

It’s 3:15 am and I have yet to finish a paper that was due over a week ago, lets you know where my priorities are. It’s not that I don’t care about the class…it’s more about my lack of passion and extreme indifference to assignment deadlines.

I need to try and organize myself so as to better my performance ’cause this is getting ridiculous.

I’m going to start with ending this first post.

At first I was going to leave it halfway done, and not make a clear point, but I will for the sake of [literally] taking steps towards improving.

The point today is simple: Introduction