Helping Grandparents and Grandchildren Connect over Distance
Grandparents and grandchildren often share a very important emotional bond and both groups can benefit from a strong relationship. When grandparents and grandchildren live far apart, it can be difficult for them to stay connected and technology needs to help fill the gap and bridge the distance divide. At present time, separation can easily be a result of social distancing measures that are vitally important for the health and safety of both grandparents and grandchildren during a pandemic.
So how can grandparents stay connected with their grandchildren if they aren’t able to see them regularly in person?
We have studied this topic extensively in my research group and it was the focus of Azadeh Forghani’s PhD dissertation. Across the years, we have conducted several studies of grandparent and grandchild communication over distance, including studies of their existing communication routines and the design and use of futuristic communication technologies. Our emphasis is typically on young grandchildren between the ages of 4 and 10. Here are some things that we have learned.
Video chat, such as Skype or FaceTime, is loved by both grandparents and young grandchildren because it lets people see each other. This should come as no surprise. Yet even with video going, our research, and certainly that of others, has shown that it can be challenging to maintain a child’s attention over a Skype or FaceTime call. Unlike a conversation between two adults, young grandchildren are very unlikely to be able to maintain a conversation beyond 10 to 15 minutes until they get to the pre-teen years.
Because of this, we found it was very important for grandparents to be able to focus calls around a child’s interests. The grandparents who were able to do this tended to have longer and more enjoyable conversations. For example, some grandparents figured out the names of a child’s friends and could then directly ask about them. Some learned about their grandchildren’s extra curricular activities ahead of time so that they could ask how things were going. In the words of one of our study participants:
“We talk a lot about synchronized swimming when I talk with her because that’s the focus of her life right now.” — Grandmother with grandchild aged 6
Young grandchildren also really enjoy showing off their toys or things that they create at school. Some grandparents would ask parents ahead of time about these objects so they would know which to ask their grandchildren about when talking with them.
Some grandparents were more creative — for example, one grandmother learned that her grandson was interested in armies and camouflage and so she made him a camouflage blanket and mailed it to him. When they talked over Skype, they would spend large amounts of time talking about the blanket and making up stories about it together.
Young children are also very interested in learning about things from their grandparents that are different from their own location. This might be related to different time zones or the weather.
“My 6 year old grandson asks me whether it is day or night at my side and sometimes reminds me that he knows that although it’s night for him it is my daytime.” — Grandparent
“They think it’s very cool that we have snow and I think it’s very cool that they don’t.” — Grandmother with grandchildren aged 4 and 6
Some grandparents live in different countries than their grandchildren and are a part of different cultures. This is often found for young adults who immigrate to other countries, leaving their parents behind, and then having children in the ‘new country’. Grandparents who remain in their country of origin might celebrate holidays that are less familiar to grandchildren or different than what they are used to. We found that many young grandchildren really enjoy learning about such holidays and the activities that go on with them. These types of conversations are highly valued by grandparents:
“I think ritual and tradition also help to give people a sense of their place in the world and their history and their roots, a sense of belonging, and it’s really important.” — grandmother with grandchildren aged 7 and 9
Having read the above, you might be thinking, this sounds pretty easy. Well, truth be told, it isn’t, as many grandparents can likely attest to. There are many social challenges that make grandparent and grandchild communication still difficult.
A Skype or FaceTime call between young grandparents and grandchildren can require a lot of parent scaffolding. Parents often have to be the ones that perform the ‘camera work’ where they hold a tablet or smartphone, or set it up in a location and make sure it stays put. Some children can do this on their own, but it can easily be disorienting for grandparents who are watching. The camera might end up facing the floor, the ceiling, or be an overly close up view of a child’s face. What we have seen to be immensely valuable are tablet stands that can be easily set on a table or even the floor, where the tablet can be easily angled towards a child’s general area and left stationary. This reduces the need for parents to continually perform camera work. But also means that some children still really want to grab and hold the tablet and stand.
Some grandparents feel apprehensive or self-conscious about calling their grandchildren. This is because they may not know a lot about their grandchildren and are afraid of saying the ‘wrong’ thing or annoying their grandchildren. They may not know who their friends are at school in order to ask about them; they may not about their favourite activities; or, they may not feel that a child wants to learn about the grandparents’ cultural heritage. These are all very real issues and sometimes it’s the case that grandparents can have a tough time learning about their grandchildren in a deep enough way to sustain conversations or feel like they are able to really connect over technology like Skype or FaceTime. As said, many grandparents talk with a child’s parents to learn about these things so they know what they could talk about. Some parents might be too busy though, or the relationship between a grandparent and their adult child may not be strong and so asking questions that might help them connect with their grandchildren is less possible.
There is no easy solution to such problems. My recommendation is to start small. For example, a grandparent could ask a young child to show them their favourite toy, explain why they like it so much, and show them what it might do. Or, a grandparent could think about what is unique to their own location when compared to a child’s. Is the weather noticeably different outside? Could the grandparent show a very hot day, a lot of rain, or some snow? Does the grandparent have different pets that the grandchild may not have, or vice versa? Could they easily be shown over Skype or FaceTime? These types of acts could be a starting to point to longer term engagements with a child, leading to longer conversations and more things to talk about and show.
As said, some grandparents really enjoy sharing cultural knowledge with their grandchildren. We found this to be especially the case for grandparents whose grandchildren moved away from their native country. Yet sometimes there are clashes over culture. Language can easily be a barrier for some grandparents and grandchildren. For example, some grandparents may not speak English very well, yet a grandchild may be growing up in an English-speaking country and fluent in English. Sometimes parents are not particularly fond of grandparents talking about their history or culture because parents are trying to establish new traditions and follow new customs, especially if they have moved to a new country. Some parents change customs when adults become married. In these types of cases, it can be frustrating for grandparents.
“I would like to talk more of our religious holidays but it’s difficult because they celebrate more of the Christian, because of their father’s family.” — Grandparent with grandchildren aged 5 and 7
“I think you have to be very careful as a grandparent to recognize the boundaries, recognize the limits.” — Grandparent with grandchildren aged 4 and 6
In these types of situations, it is likely most beneficial for grandparents and their adult children to have open and honest conversations about their values and how the grandparents should connect and share information with their grandchildren. Of course, this type of conversation is by no means easy and requires a lot of patience and time by all involved.
Our full paper is here:
Forghani, A. & Neustaedter, C. (2014) The Routines and Needs of Grandparents and Parents for Grandparent-grandchild Conversations over Distance, Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems, New York, NY, USA, ACM, 4177–4186. [PDF]
Biography:
I am a professor at Simon Fraser University in the School of Interactive Arts & Technology. I have studied how people connect with each other, interact, stay aware, and do joint activities over distance for two decades now. As a society, we are currently facing an unparalleled need to be apart via social distancing, yet we still need to be together, virtually.
My research group and I, along with our collaborators, have studied how many different types of people and relationships connect across distance ranging from workplace colleagues to long distance partners to grandparents and grandkids to friends and other family. This work is found in a whole host of our publications, however, the knowledge is mostly written for other academics, scientists, social scientists, designers, and industrial researchers. Yet I think much of the knowledge is relevant right now for everyday people as the world looks to overcome the COVID-19 pandemic.
I’m going to distill a number of our papers into a way that is likely much more useful to the general public, focusing on the challenges that remote communication creates for people and how they can overcome the issues to stay connected over distance. You’ll find these as blog posts over the coming days and weeks. My goal is to help people, to help people stay connected to those they work with and those they care about. I’m not looking for more citations, accolades, or credit — the goal is to help others with knowledge.
