Hold the Fire Hose, Please

We’ve all been there ladies and gents! Well, stating “all” may be a bit of a stretch if we consider dating history, gender preference, and other factors of attraction. Anyhow, if you’re a female, or male, and have used online dating services, dating apps, or text message as a means of communication, chances are that at one point or another (hopefully in years past your adolescence) you’ve been on the receiving end…or dare I say giving end, of the infamous dick pic!

Sure, dick pics are not necessarily unwelcome in all situations. They serve their purpose for long distance dating, or “spicing it up” with your significant other/spouse…but, what of the unsolicited dick pic?

Let’s address the men with this question, first…shall we? Men…now, let’s exclude for a second, the gay males who are innocent bystanders who are not necessarily looking to be surprised with junk mail (pun intended)…and let’s exclude the men who have been given a “green light” for whatever reason, to go ahead and click that “send” button.

That leaves you…yes, you…the man who thinks it’s a SUPER idea to fatefully transport his crowned jewels into cyberspace and other wireless networks…and into the hands of an unsuspecting lady who will most likely have one, or all of the following reactions:

  1. Let out a horrified screech
  2. Laugh (uncontrollably…for days to come)
  3. Roll her eyes in disgust
  4. Show all of her friends (and laugh)
  5. Be impressed by your size/aesthetics (but then again…yeah, no…you blew your shot, sorry!)
  6. Examine your penis for imperfections
  7. Send back a nasty message (usually to insult your manhood, based on observations from reaction #6)
  8. Ignore your text/never speak to you again
  9. Tell other women to steer clear of you, should your name pop up (and laugh again)
  10. Save the picture for blackmail
  11. Lose total respect for you

On what grounds are these reactions based? Well, I took the liberty in doing some research. I had the honor (and some great laughs) of conducting seven personal interviews with my closest of friends…single, classy, very attractive ladies, who have had much experience with communication from Mr. Happy.

Aside from these initial reactions to the question “how do you feel about dick pics?,” all participants agreed that they neither did, nor said anything that would imply that they would be open to receiving a surprise visit from the one-eyed monster. They added that it was “distasteful” for a gentlemen to behave in such a manner and they often felt disrespected by the gesture…at least coming from a man they may have once considered “date worthy”.

Two of my interviews were with gay males. Their reactions?

  1. “Girl, I love that sh*t…makes my imagination boil, and I can examine the goods before deciding to buy…bring it”.
  2. “Nuh-uh…no way. If I don’t really know the guy, he best be leaving it in his pants”.

Both sides of the fence here…so, may warrant a bigger pool of interviewees.

Or, perhaps my research should really be directed towards the offenders. Yes, you…you know who you are! Solely for the purpose of getting a clear understanding of what exactly is running through your mind, or promoting this behavior…I might just have to come for you!

I can say one thing with confidence…and on behalf of myself and any single/classy lady, nonetheless…

Unless you have met us while half-naked and swinging from a pole, have directly received verbal consent, or we have behaved in a manner which screams “I’m an animal,” “whore,” or “slut”….we don’t want to see your junk. Don’t send us dick picks!

Please also note, that the chances of receiving a response such as “OMG, that’s a beautiful dick, let’s meet up now, please!” is theoretically nonexistent…which means even less of a chance than just “nonexistent”. Let that simmer a bit.

So, the next time the thought crosses your mind, remember that you may get the kind of response you don’t like…the kind of response that my dear friend Daniela had to resort to, upon seeing her last surprise chubby…which is…

“Wow, tell your mom what a great job she did and have her take care of that!”

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