Existential Crisis

Dear Lord, when did I be come such an adult?

I have finally reached that point in my life where my taxes piss me off and my favorite part about the weekend is getting to sleep. My credit score is phenomenal (840!). Next Tuesday I am meeting with a mortgage broker and as soon as the funds are set up I am settling down. At least for the next five years or so. I have nothing but time and energy. It is time to settle down, build my wealth, and plan my retirement.

Today I met a lady who was an artist. With just a little bit of paint and a canvas, she could create the most remarkable pieces of art. To watch her paint is to watch the clouds move across the sky right before a storm. I would love to have that kind of talent, so be able to create something so magnificent out of simple tools. She made it look so effortless.

In school I always excelled in math and science. My BS is in nuclear medicine technology, which is just fancy talk for saving peoples lives. I make an hourly salary. In fact, I am currently on the clock. Unfortunately, it is only $3 per hour until I get called in. When you work in medicine, you never know how your night is going to go down. The hospital I work at is BIG and we see a lot of crazy shit.

When you work at a hospital as big as mine, you need to be flexible. That isn’t something they teach you in school, nor how to be nice, or kind. The thing is it isn’t nice how you think nice should be, it is nice like your patient wants you to be and every patient is completely different than the next. They vary in age from 0–100+ and their illness can be anything from an infection to heart disease.

I remember spending years after high school searching for my spirit outside of myself. Traveling the world and absorbing other cultures like every other privileged white american. I knew I had this time in my life to look forward to when I was ready.

The responsibility is enormous, but it is time I start diversifying my assets and investing in tangible things. When big businesses decided the market was a better solution to retirement benefits than pension plans, the American dream went down the toilet. Chop that up with expensive medical care and 65 feels more like an omen for the end than establishing freedom from the hustle.

30 years from now I hope I’m dead and that I leave nothing behind. I am still not sold on the idea of heaven, like why can’t we all just live peacefully on earth while we are here?

Sometimes all I need to feel love is the sun shining on my face. Watching the sunrise after making out with the moon, my toes submerged where the sand meets the water. The five years I spent in that Lake Michigan town held some of my sweetest memories, little did I know that the call to the mountains would soon come to fruition.

I love living in the mountains just as much as I loved living on the lake. The thought of watching the sun rise through the mountains, turning them purple for a sold half hour before the day begins.

Did you ever notice how hard it is to take a good photo of a sunset? Like the details and color gradient just doesn’t translate to film. As the light dies out, it just gets worse.