Owwwwwwww! Why do my boobs hurt? It is two days in a row that I have woken up in pain — they are so sore I can barely put my bra on. About three hours later I have a “moment” and gasp remembering the last time I felt that way….and I start texting my husband who is already at the grocery store to grab a pregnancy test.
20 minutes later I am sitting on the toilet staring at the stick….. waiting to breathe. They should really offer paid advertising on these sticks…I’ve never studied and concentrated on anything the way I have studied pregnancy tests during my life (#newbusiness). The first line always comes easily. It is that second one that turns from gray to white to….wait for it…pink. It is definitely pink. Oh man. I feel dizzy and I blink as I feel like I might faint… and then I remember to exhale.
With my first baby that second pink line didn’t appear at first. I thought I wasn’t pregnant and went along with my morning. I returned to the bathroom later and something strange caught my eye. I studied it for a second before running to my husband exclaiming “What is that?”…. What the f*** is that?”. It was a faint second line, but it was definitely a second line. I then proceeded to get into bed and under the blankets and think of every bad thing I had done to my body over the last several weeks since my last period. I went into the hot tub — did I cook it? I drank some wine — did I inebriate it? What if I miscarry? What if? What if? What if?
“Worrying is the work of pregnancy”.
I worried every day in that first pregnancy that I would miscarry. I was convinced it was happening with every cramp and every pain from the second I found out I was pregnant until the moment she was born.
While it turns out my worrying was in vain the first time, my second pregnancy did end in a miscarriage. One that I welcomed and embraced as I was not ready to be pregnant again. I consider that miscarriage a blessing in disguise as I realized that the decision of life or death in utero was 100% out of my control. No amount of wishing and hoping could change the ultimate fate of something happening within my skin — and there was nothing I could do to control it. This acceptance served me well in my third and fourth pregnancies as I now have a deep sense of peace that I can’t control an inevitable miscarriage.
But I have plenty of other things to worry about… I worry about labor. The thought of delivering another baby makes me sweat and gives me chills at the same time. I worry about the baby’s health. I worry about how my other kids will react. I worry about how high my sugar levels are already. I worry about not being able to drink alcohol for the next year (well, this is more of a deep sadness, really. Goodbye Wine….until we meet again). I worry about delegating my work at the businesses. I worry about my mental health — Postpartum issues are no joke and I have had my fair share. I worry about exacerbating my stretch marks and breaking my tailbone during birth again and my body’s ability to recover as I age. I worry that my doula may not be available. I worry I won’t like my new midwife’s style. I worry about the cramping pains during the first two weeks of breastfeeding. I worry about catching the Zika virus. I worry about coordinating childcare. I worry I just changed insurance and don’t have a back-up doctor. I worry.
I worry, I worry, I worry. I worry about what I can’t control…. because my mind is the only thing I can control.
Yesterday I sat down on my bed to put my shoes on staring at the blank white wall in front of me. My husband finally called up and said “What are you doing up there?”…. turns out I sat staring at a wall for almost 10 minutes. I had no idea I was there so long. What was I doing? Worrying.
Am I excited? Yes, but right now I am busy worrying. I’m a worrier…it kind of sounds like “Warrior”. I like that. I’m a “Worry Warrior”.
I only stop worrying when I am too tired to think. Luckily, another early pregnancy symptom is fatigue…which I definitely have and yes, I worry about that too. I am only 24 hours in and I worry this will be a long 40 weeks.
I worry until the very moment this happens: