On the 12th day of dating my partner said to me…
Nothing..He said nothing.
Today I was ‘Ghosted’. I knew vaguely what this term referred to, and it’s negative connotations. What I had no comprehension of was the emotional and mental impact that this has. It was just another psychology buzzword to me. Another fashionable label to describe being ‘dumped’. I pondered it periodically when an article came up or a friend experienced it, it was alien to and of no consequence. Until it happened to me.
I felt foolish that someone as intuitive as myself, as bright, as experienced in relationships as you can be by the middle of your 40’s had ever thought this couldn’t happen to me, had chosen to ignore a couple of subtle and insidious red flags that slithered along and popped up on the very first message he sent me.
I felt tangible and gripping shame that I had allowed myself to be swept hard away in the beautiful spumes and rolls of a tsunami of romance and proclamations that left me happily and willingly drowning and to be tossed like wreckage on an island made for just us.
It was just 12 days. The best 12 days I’ve ever had. 12 days of passion, and old fashioned romance and declarations. Of shared mutual interests, of deep conversations that saw us through the night. sleepily smiling through hours of time planning things we wanted to do together. We shared our deepest hopes for life and mutual wonderment at the connection that sparked and crackled bright.
12 beautiful days..
Then nothing.
All that followed those days was one message. It was short and painful.
The slow, gut-wrenching realisation that he’d disappeared from every conceivable form of contact that we used-and just as quickly as the popping sound of red flags was crippling.
Therein followed immense pain and a sense of loss that engulfed me completely. The jagged rubbing of self doubt across my heart made me bleed tears until I felt I’d cried a thousand break ups. Was it me? When did I become so fundamentally unloveable? Why has this happened to me. Why? The shock was as much physical as emotional or mental, and I didn’t have the capacity to deal with it.
Research suggests that ‘ghosting’ is more common than I’m comfortable with, as I dust myself off and stand looking dazed around me at the rubble of these days of ours. Psychologically it’s defined as emotional cruelty and abuse, and a particularly painful pitfall, especially with dating online.
As I consider the evidence that details ghosting as more of a telling psychological profile of those that choose to eliminate people with such cruelty, I will move forward with the determination that I will not apologise for how I feel, nor will I allow others to make me feel It is my fault somehow. I am happy with being able to feel, to be human. There is still too much value placed on somehow repressing our emotions, particularly for males. I am not ashamed that I was swept cleanly off my feet, I will embrace the pain..and next time hope I’m haunted for all the right reasons..