LaLaLiving | Week 16 & 17

I am going to be in Texas for the next two and a half weeks. The trip has been planned for a month now, so my time builds toward it and my days lean into the upcoming departure. Nothing like an impending trip to make the present seem insignificantly blurry in anticipation for the future. I have envisioned this trip to be a marker in my Los Angeles life. Maybe it will be. Almost half-way through the “back in America” year, I have had these past months to move, transition, adjust, settle, observe, discover, explore, engage, commit, and assess.

My first contract in Oxford was six months (2015). I thought I would only live there January through June. It is coming up to June now, and I look at LA like I looked at Oxford. January through June. Six months in a new place. Six months to make home. Six months to analyze, invest, and reflect. Flying away to Texas will show me how I really feel about this place, looking back through my airplane window. Leaving LA for Texas feels like I am leaving the country to go abroad. It feels like I am not coming back. But I am.

Life, recently, has been a lot of sweatpants. Sweatpants, jumpers, and my old dirty houseshoes from Greece that I got in 2010 with my sister in Santorini. I have no consistent schedule in my LA life, and as a result have not had the best of sleep patterns. Too many nights, I cannot fall asleep until the wee hours, which leaves me sleeping in through the early morning. I wake, slide on those fleecey chunkers over my underwear or running shorts, and walk down my hallway into the kitchen. That walk from the bedroom to the kitchen is a mental walk too. I prep myself for the day. I open myself up to the possibility that something could happen: I could meet someone today, my life could change today, something drastic will affect me, I will have an epiphany, I will overflow with creative energy, etc. Something could happen every day. My days are endlessly flexible and ready for that something. That hallway walk has gotten longer and longer over time. It grows as my understanding of my purpose wanes. Hope can be confusing.

So. Sweatpants. Days at home. Waiting on the Lord. Trying to be productive with the things I know. Grad school. Work. Writing. Engagement. Waiting. Sweatpants. Lots of tea. Coffees with the few friends I have made. Routines have felt claustrophobic lately, though. Returning to the familiar here just seems too small now. I need to think bigger. I need to think bolder. I need to start somewhere. But where?

My creativity has dwindled a bit, and I feel thwarted when I do not create. It is definitely part of my flourishing. It is almost like my creativity is stalling. What do we wait for? Why do we not just create? Do we always need motivation behind our creations? Do we always need purpose? Is a creation useless without a purpose? It exists — is that enough? I do not think so.

Do not think I am always in a state of melancholy contemplation here. I have found extreme joy in my love story with Frederick, my now fiancé. I have found pleasure in writing, reading, and composing. I have found pleasure in the LA sun, and surprisingly, the LA cloudy/rainy days. The churches I attend, driving on the 134, cooking breakfast with roommates, being near Frederick’s family, playing Disney songs on my keyboard, watching Jane Austen movies with a good cup of tea, praying, peacock sightings, open windows in the flat, windows down in the car, classical music on the radio, trips to my local Trader Joes, dressing up for photoshoots, trying new brunch places, organizing my room, brainstorming band names, wedding planning, dreaming up wild dreams…

I will keep dreaming. To Texas, and when I return.

#dreamerdreamwithme #lalaliving

Some things I did:

Kindness & Mischief 1 Year Anniversary Celebration!

Wonderful Art Museums: LACMA & Norton Simon

Couple Photoshoot in Solstice Canyon, Malibu — Alex Korhely-Day

Edward & Bella much?

Love,

Caroline