Caroline Horwitz – Medium

Caroline Horwitz

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Caroline Horwitz
in
The Belladonna Comedy

I Don’t Mind Women in the Gym’s Weight Area, But They Should Never Outnumber Men

The ladylike thing for them to do is wait until there’s a lull

May 29

Image shows young woman and man in athletic wear lifting a large barbell together in a gym. The wall behind them is full of windows with view of mountains.

May 29

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Nelly: It’s gettin’ hot in here (so hot) / So take off all your clothes. Me: Or you could just let me turn the thermostat down.

Apr 2

Woman wearing lingerie and holding wineglass sits near piano by candlelight

Apr 2

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

I’m a Regular Guy Who’s Sick of Being Villainized for My Secret Second Family

This has all just been really hard on me, ok?

Aug 22

Image shows older man looking frustrated and upset while drinking whiskey from a tumbler while bottle of whiskey sits on a table in the foreground.

Aug 22

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

I’d Like to Discuss My Child Specifically While You’re Trying to Address a Group of People

Your concern for the rest of the group is admirable but hardly necessary

Jun 10

Image shows woman sitting on a yellow beanbag chair and reading a book to a group of young children

Jun 10

Pinned

Caroline Horwitz
in
MuddyUm

Future Career Options for Your Daughters, According to Harrison Butker

I totally support women in the workforce!

May 18

Woman standing in a kitchen while wearing pink apron and holding mixing bowl and whisk, smiling at camera

May 18

Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

Welcome to the National Sibling Debates

Parental Decision 2024

4d ago

The image shows a playful scene where two cartoon children are standing on a podium with a microphone. One child appears to be confidently posing with arms on hips, while the other is animatedly speaking. The podium has a “VOTE” symbol on it, and around it are scattered various toys such as a basketball, cookies, crayons, a teddy bear, building blocks, and a video game controller. The background features an auditorium with empty seats.

4d ago

Caroline Horwitz
in
MuddyUm

“A Snoring Lament” By Sabrina Carpenter

A song parody of “Espresso”

Aug 27

Photo shows frustrated woman covering her ears in bed next to snoring man.

Aug 27

Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

An Open Letter to the Zebra That Bit My 7-Year-Old at the County Fair

Look man, I get it

Aug 26

Image shows zebra bending head down to graze on bright green grass

Aug 26

Caroline Horwitz
in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Field Guide for Interacting with the Middle-Aged Step-Sibling Who Still Lives with Your Parents

Do not break etiquette and verbalize the absurdity of the living situation

Aug 13

Image shows man’s hand holding blue video gaming console in focal point of photo. Background shows man with facial hair in pink hoodie.

Aug 13

Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

“American Psycho Toddler”: A Day in the Life

Is there any other kind of toddler?

Aug 9

Photo shows young boy with bike and helmet upset at playground closure. Boy has arms crossed and scowls toward camera as yellow caution tape is wrapped around playground equipment.

Aug 9

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline is a humor writer from Pittsburgh. You can read more of her work at carolinehorwitzwriting.com. She hates writing bios but enjoys reading them.

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