Caroline Horwitz – Medium

Caroline Horwitz

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What Do You Mean I Can’t Bring My Toddler to Your Adults-Only Resort?

Brynnleigh and I will not stand for this blatant discrimination

Dec 3, 2024

Image shows crying toddler in foreground and romantic beach resort with pool and couple beneath hut at sunset in background.

Dec 3, 2024

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The Belladonna Comedy

I Don’t Mind Women in the Gym’s Weight Area, But They Should Never Outnumber Men

The ladylike thing for them to do is wait until there’s a lull

May 29, 2024

Image shows young woman and man in athletic wear lifting a large barbell together in a gym. The wall behind them is full of windows with view of mountains.

May 29, 2024

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I’m a Regular Guy Who’s Sick of Being Villainized for My Secret Second Family

This has all just been really hard on me, ok?

Aug 22, 2024

Image shows older man looking frustrated and upset while drinking whiskey from a tumbler while bottle of whiskey sits on a table in the foreground.

Aug 22, 2024

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Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Nelly: It’s gettin’ hot in here (so hot) / So take off all your clothes. Me: Or you could just let me turn the thermostat down.

Apr 2, 2024

Woman wearing lingerie and holding wineglass sits near piano by candlelight

Apr 2, 2024

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Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

I Will Die in This Starbucks Drive-Thru Before I Stoop to Going Inside

You expect me to walk in on my legs? Like a Luddite?

Sep 20, 2024

Image shows iconic green and white Starbucks sign reading “Drive Thru” against a bright blue sky background, viewed through the front windshield of a car. Foreground shows blurred, dark silhouette of car’s interior, including seat, visor, and steering wheel.

Sep 20, 2024

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MuddyUm

My Fictional Characters Are Always Surprising Me (and I Really Wish They’d Stop)

I’m ready for wooden, predictable characters now, for the love of God!

Jul 3

Image shows bald man in glasses standing behind long, wooden desk with laptop, computer mouse, and tablet on it. He stares horrified at the laptop screen with hands clasped over mouth.

Jul 3

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MuddyUm

As Your Color Consultant, I’m Here to Inform You That Not a Single Color Looks Good on You

I’m sure you’re disappointed, but imagine how I feel after having to stare at your face

Jun 1

Happy woman shopping for clothes

Jun 1

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Frazzled

I’m the Parent Who Never Reciprocates Play Dates, and Yes, I Am an Evil Genius

You’ve played right into my hand…

May 14

Image shows red-haired man in pink shirt against a blue background, grinning maniacally at camera.

May 14

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The Belladonna Comedy

I’m a Bar Patron in the Movie Cocktail, and I’ve Been Trying to Get a Drink for the Past Four Hours

I don’t want to be overly demanding, but he just keeps throwing bottles in the air

Apr 14

Still of Tom Cruise in film “Cocktail,” standing behind bar with wall of various liquor bottles and glasses behind him and film title in neon pink font superimposed in front center.

Apr 14

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Frazzled

Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men as a Dad

You can’t HANDLE a later bedtime!

Apr 8

Image shows still of Jack Nicholson as Colonel Jessup in the film A Few Good Men, dressed in Marines uniform.

Apr 8

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline is a humor writer from Pittsburgh. You can read more of her work at carolinehorwitzwriting.com. She hates writing bios but enjoys reading them.

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