Caroline Horwitz – Medium

Caroline Horwitz

Pinned

Published in
The Belladonna Comedy

I Don’t Mind Women in the Gym’s Weight Area, But They Should Never Outnumber Men

The ladylike thing for them to do is wait until there’s a lull

May 29

Image shows young woman and man in athletic wear lifting a large barbell together in a gym. The wall behind them is full of windows with view of mountains.

May 29

Pinned

Published in
Frazzled

I’m a Regular Guy Who’s Sick of Being Villainized for My Secret Second Family

This has all just been really hard on me, ok?

Aug 22

Image shows older man looking frustrated and upset while drinking whiskey from a tumbler while bottle of whiskey sits on a table in the foreground.

Aug 22

Pinned

Published in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Nelly: It’s gettin’ hot in here (so hot) / So take off all your clothes. Me: Or you could just let me turn the thermostat down.

Apr 2

Woman wearing lingerie and holding wineglass sits near piano by candlelight

Apr 2

Pinned

Published in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

I Will Die in This Starbucks Drive-Thru Before I Stoop to Going Inside

You expect me to walk in on my legs? Like a Luddite?

Sep 20

Image shows iconic green and white Starbucks sign reading “Drive Thru” against a bright blue sky background, viewed through the front windshield of a car. Foreground shows blurred, dark silhouette of car’s interior, including seat, visor, and steering wheel.

Sep 20

Pinned

Published in
Frazzled

Unlike My Parents, I Won’t Burden My Kids by Aging

I’m making a plan now to always be healthy and able-bodied

Nov 7

Image shows couple walking from behind. An older man with walking stick crosses the road arm in arm with a woman in a red winter jacket and hat as scattered flurries fall around them.

Nov 7

Published in
Frazzled

What Do You Mean I Can’t Bring My Toddler to Your Adults-Only Resort?

Brynnleigh and I will not stand for this blatant discrimination

2d ago

Image shows crying toddler in foreground and romantic beach resort with pool and couple beneath hut at sunset in background.

2d ago

Published in
MuddyUm

I’m Satan, and Getting Trump Elected This Time Just Didn’t Give Me the Same Dopamine Rush

I should stop this constant pursuit of pleasure and reward, but it’s kind of how I’m wired

Nov 19

Image shows shirtless man in red devil makeup and costume horns looking at camera and standing against dark background.

Nov 19

Published in
MuddyUm

I’m Having Second Thoughts About My Colossal Trump Sign

This sounds like a radical idea, but maybe bigger isn’t always better.

Nov 5

Image shows several political signs (mostly blue and white) bearing names of different candidates aligning grassy area between sidewalk and busy street with cars.

Nov 5

Published in
The Belladonna Comedy

Why Does Everyone Assume I’m a Republican Just Because I Have an Enormous Eagle Painted on the Hood…

I find your blind reliance on cultural stereotypes insulting

Nov 4

Nov 4

Published in
MuddyUm

When Your Husband Accidentally Streams the Wrong “Speak No Evil” Film

Major spoiler alert

Oct 31

Image shows portion of movie poster for 2024 film “Speak No Evil.” Close-up black and white shot of actor James McAvoy looking menacingly at camera and holding index finger in front of lips in the “shhh” gesture. Text at top reads, “From Blumhouse / Producer of The Invisible Man”

Oct 31

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline is a humor writer from Pittsburgh. You can read more of her work at carolinehorwitzwriting.com. She hates writing bios but enjoys reading them.

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