“You have lipstick on your meat tooth”

Today’s recap title comes from the MVP of this episode, Juliette. She does nothing of note in the hour, except expertly put a minion in her place by telling the friend that she has lipstick on her tooth, “no that tooth, no it’s on your meat tooth!” It was amazing, I re-watched the moment twice, and I defend my decision to base the first paragraph of this recap on that scene.

But truly, the 5th episode focuses on the inevitable hookup between Kelsey and Alex, and the demise of Kelsey and Garrett.

Following Garrett’s exit from the gala, Kelsey, Alex, Brandon, and Madisson hang out in the pool and move to the hot tub where Kelsey is pretending like her boyfriend doesn’t exist.

“Lol Garrett’s POOR!”

Around this time, my boyfriend and I realize that every woman in the main credits has either hooked up with, is going to hook up with, or is best friends with Alex. This isn’t a huge shock since Alex’s dad shopped this show around and is credited as an Executive Producer, but still, why does everyone have to orbit around him? He’s truly not interesting or likable, despite what we learned last week about his famiy.

Kelsey talks to her mom about her flailing relationship, and the topic turns to her mom’s MS symptoms, which would have been incredibly sad if the producers hadn’t made the decision to fade into music while Kelsey looks away, basically implying that Kelsey can’t be bothered with her mom’s illness as she ponders being the 4th girl to hook up with Alex this summer! Her body language combined with the editing read as “GO THE HELL AWAY MOM.”

At the beach the next day, the talk of the gang is Kelsey and Garrett’s crumbling relationship, and a weird amount of blame is placed on Garrett for letting it happen. From my vantage point I see Kelsey being a shameless flirt who wants to have it both ways, but okay, the cast is clearly #TeamKelsey.

We also get adorable shots of Brandon and Madisson walking on the beach talking and flirting awkwardly. It’s cute to watch these teenagers experience the innocence of a new crush. Then I’m reminded they’re in their 20’s and it’s no longer cute, it’s just hard to watch. Also..no to this.

Is #DGAF and option?

Juliette is not at the beach gathering and she forces a friend to sit with her poolside and listen to her pontificate about how it’s not a big deal that she’s not hanging out with the group because of the Alex and Amanda hookup, but she is SUCH an important figure, that it’s clearly coming off as a big deal that she’s not there. Then we get the “meat tooth” scene. It’s wonderful.

Followed by MEAT TOOTH

After the beach, the gang moves to Alex’s pool, where he announces the group is going on a trip to Bimini. A lot of cheering, inter cut with shots of Garrett looking like he knows if he goes on this trip he’ll be trapped with people he hates, but if he doesn’t Alex is absolutely going to fuck Kelsey. A real Sophie’s choice. I half expect Chris Harrison to walk through Alex’s back door and announce there will be a series of dates while the group is in Bimini, because this show is basically turning into a Bachelor season for Alex.

The next day Kelsey goes over to Garrett’s where he tells her he’s not going to Bimini because he has stuff to do, I assume it’s blankly stare at the computer screen and make protein shakes, but I can’t confirm that. When she asks why and he explains gently that he FUCKING HATES their new friend group, the two decide to go on a break. But hold up! Garrett has seen “Friends” and he is establishing exactly what a break means.

He tells her if she hooks up with Alex, they won’t be getting back together. Kelsey cries, but I don’t think she’s all that sad at this prospect.

“..So I’m going to Bimini to fuck Alex”

On the boat the next day, Juliette has decided to rejoin the group with her head held high, and when Kelsey says Garrett and she are on a break, Alex’s eyes light up. And while he teaches her how to wakeboard, the group gossips about what might have happened after the gala when we saw the two go upstairs, and pretty much everyone knows that Bimini won’t be their first hook up.

Other things that happen in the episode

- Apparently, douche is genetic because at dinner, Alex’s grandpa encourages him to cuckold Garrett and get down with Kelsey

- Maddisson and Brandon go on two dates. Not worth another sentence.

- Madisson’s mom is CRAZY and basically blames having children for not having a good life.

- Madisson’s mom also eats with her puppy on her lap and has an indistinguishable accent. (I could write a whole post just about Madisson’s psycho mom)

- Chloe’s still mad at Amanda for lying about her hookup with Alex

Pretty big happenings this episode, but not the best, so I’ll give it 6/10 “meat teeth” (meat tooths?)

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