Unapologetic Part I

Published in

Live from Park Hall

30 min readMar 4, 2015

Introduction

[UPDATE: Since writing this introduction a new video has surfaced of DL Hughley talking about the events at Oklahoma University. In the video he says that he doesn’t think we should blame the members of the fraternity, but rather blame the parents. He comments that these problems have stemmed to over 159 years ago when the founding fathers of that fraternity fought for the south and that the expulsion of two students won’t make a difference. The difference needs to be made in the home, he says. In my introduction, you will read how DL Hughley makes it apart of his skit to bring attention to racism and other political unjustices. Even years after Unapologetic was filmed he still continues to bring light to these situations and fight for the rights of minorities. Because he believes that it isn’t societies job to “legislate what we believe in,” he can still try to be the voice of reason for his audience.]

Today, you can offend any race, religion or group of people practically instantaneously. Unfortunately, for the members of SAE at Oklahoma University, the leaking of a 30 second video shouting racist comments changed their reputation forever. Never will those expelled students be able to put their name on a resume with confidence. Instances such as these that make Americans so interesting. Controversy surrounds these moments because of the broad range of emotions that follow. Racial comments and slurs can make people laugh or in other cases uncomfortable and upset. It is our media, politicians and stand up comics who control these seconds and determine if the line has been crossed or not. Regrettably through their actions, the members of the fraternity gave their souls to the media and their lives will never be the same because of it. The media decided to brand them with the word “Racist” and that is one label that will never be erased. The worst part of it all, is that this offensive behavior can be spread in the matter of seconds and the media will always get wind of it. The saying has changed to be, our words speak louder than our actions. Ain’t that a bitch?

There is always a divide in touchy subjects such as these. The media and politicians are the bad guys who decide what is deemed politically incorrect based on what they think their viewers will believe. Whereas, the comedians get to poke fun at these moments, while still bringing light to the more serious circumstance. What makes stand up comics so entertaining is their ability to get away with their offensive behavior. Comedians are allowed to say crude, racist and sexist remarks without the extreme backlash from the media criticizing them. So why can a comedian such as DL Hughley say “Nigger” freely while the Fraternity brothers of SAE are being expelled for their use of the word? Now of course we are looking at two very different circumstances, but that is the distinction of the line. On one side, lies comedians who are performing in a virtually safe environment where their behavior is deemed appropriate and on the other side is deemed “Racist.” The only clear difference is, one we are paying for and the other is a poor representation of our freedom of speech. Is DL Hughley not considered racist only because he is black? Or is it because we have given him the power to make these remarks?

Most would answer the above question from the latter. It is easy for an audience to decide that DL Hughley isn’t racist because they paid for his performance. It is an unspoken agreement that when you come to a show, you are supporting his material. Not just some of his remarks, but all of them. So now the question is, why would we pay to see a comedian offend someone, when we can get the same offensive behavior from the people of this country? The answer is easy, an audience uses the comedian for a break from their own reality. We laugh at comedians because they say everything we wish we could say. Americans have given the permission to comedians to be the voice of our own judgmental thoughts. And just because we have to be politically correct, doesn’t mean they have to.

But where are their jokes budding from? And how does an entire audience think they are funny? Behind every joke, lies a little bit of truth. Comedians prepare their acts meticulously. Before they come on stage, they have done their research and had help from numerous writers. They watch the news, get the facts and question intentions. Then they twist it and turn it into a joke. But they don’t twist it too far. The reason the audience finds what they are saying funny is because they are able to identify with the joke. After a good joke is told, the audience has an immediate reaction. It turns the obvious truth into an obvious joke.

After watching DL Hughley’s Unapologetic tour, I questioned one thing: what does it mean to be “Unapologetic?” As defined by Merriam-Webster, unapologetic simply means that you have no shame or remorse. He uses this attitude to his advantage. What you pay for, is what you get. Because we support him as a comedian, we support him as our voice. DL Hughley’s ability to skew the public opinion is showcased throughout his performance. And as paying customers, we have granted him that permission.

One thing that all of his jokes did contain was the truth. Looking deep into his material shows that he didn't make up that Hilary Clinton talks “black” in front of African Americans, or that Mormons believe being black is a sin. Hilary Clinton actually did pull out a fake southern accent, and in the Book of Mormon it is stated more than once that being black is a sin that needed to be repented. DL Hughley was successful in crossing the politically correct line without any blacklash. Even Bill Clinton could laugh at his wife for her speech, and the Mormon sitting in the front row can laugh at the words of their bible. And they can do this mostly because they know what he is saying is true.

So thank you DL Hughley for bringing light to the situation. Thank you for pulling the facts out of the dark and bringing them to the stage in the center of the most political city in the United States, Washington D.C.. Thank you for saying that your usage of the word nigger isn’t as bad as Don Imus’ usage of the word nigger. Thank you for setting things straight. Thank you for criticizing our government. Thank you for pointing out that Mexicans do all of our dirty work, yet we still want them out of our country. Thank you for making people less sensitive to hearing the truth. Thank you for making us all realize that Barack Obama is way cooler than we give him credit for. And most importantly, thank you for making me laugh. And to the people that don’t think DL Hughley is funny, I’m sure all he would have to respond with is “Ain’t that a bitch?”

Key

Brackets = audience laughter, clapping, and words on screen

Parenthesis = stage movement, facial expressions and change of tone

Italics = emphasis on words and accented phrases

The Performance

[HBO ENTERTAINMENT introduction]

[Gold Letters: D.L. HUGHLEY Blue letters: UNAPOLOGETIC]

[Audience cheering]

(DL Hughley enters from stage left with his head cocked and grabs the microphone)

00:17 Hey now! How yallll doiinnnnnn. How yall doin’ chocolate city?

Chocolate City by Parliament.

00:29 Goddamn. Now, there’s some good looking people around here. Give yourself a round of applause. [Audience cheering] That’s nice! It’s a mixed audience too, man. It’s the doctor sitting next to the motherfucker that’s gonna rob him after the show. [Audience laughter]

00:42 That shit — Look at all the white people ohhhhh shiitt. (Widens his eyes and rotates his body away from audience) Man I was at the capitol today. I had no idea the capitol was right next to the roughest fucking neighbor I ever been to in my whole goddamn life. [Audience laughter]

00:53 I saw a squirrel with a bullet proof vest on. [Audience laughter] Fuck this shit ah. I mean the capitol is surrounded by pedophiles, criminals and drug addicts and that’s just the House of Representatives. [Audience laughter] (Laughs) That’s true. [Audience cheering]

01:12 You know DC is a black city. They got to bus white people in. Aint that a bitch? (Chuckles) (In a monotone politician sounding accent): We’re going to the city. Let’s all go together. [Audience laughter]

01:21 I don’t understand it. Now we got everybody running for president. We got a Mormon, a black man and a woman. Sounds like I’m getting ready to tell a bar joke, don’t it? [Audience laughter](Laughs)

Hilary Clinton thinking “I probably shouldn’t have said that”

01:31 Hilary Clinton. Every time she get in front of a black audience she talk black. You ever notice that? She going to fuck around and slip up. (Mocking Hilary Clinton) “Bitch, Please! Ohh, oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that shit out loud.” (He heals over and puts his hands on his knees)

01:45 Who else we got? We got John McCain. He running for president, but he’s 70 fucking years old. Seventy years old, you can’t be president. You must be out your fucking mind. [Audience laughter] Seventy. The only job you should ever have is a greeter at Walmart. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience laughter] I ain’t bullshittin’. If your birthday got 190- anythang in it, you should be taking a nap. [Audience laughter]

02:05 Let your ass be president you fall asleep on the button and blow us all up. What the fucka — ?

02:13 Now, Giuliani, he’s running for president. And his sole qualification is that he was mayor of New York when 9/11 happen’. You know, he was there…. so he an expert on terrorism. That’s like me seeing a pregnant woman and go, “ooh, she must be an espert on fucking.” (Widens eyebrows and eyes) [Audience laughter]She was there when it happened. (Raises his arm like “what”)

02:29 We got Mitt Romney running for president and he’s a Mormon. And Mormons up to 1978 believed it was a sin to be black. Ain’t that a bitch? (Chokes on ‘that’ as if he is in disbelief)[Audience laughter] We talking about 1978. That’s two years after the Jefferson’s. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughter]

02:43 How could you believe Weezy aint going to heaven? That’s — Well, I guess you could go to heaven they had a loophole we could get to heaven but we had to be real good and once we got there, we still had to be slaves. Ain’t that fucked up? (Raises an octave when he says ‘fucked’ for emphasis) You spend your whole life giving up hookers and drugs and walkin’ in Gods light and your reward is to be the limo driver for Donny and Marie. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience laughter]

03:01 And the big question is, Barack Obama is running for president. (Mocks a news reporter): Is the country really ready for a black president? Ha! After the motherfuck we got, come on, now. [Audience laughter] Ha, come on. [Audience cheering] Let’s be realistic. Heh. How bad could we fuck up? What are we gonna do? Steal an election, start a war, and give our friends jobs we know they ain’t qualified for? [Continued audience cheering and laughing]

The President playing basketball with friends.

03:30 What the fuck are we gonna do? I don’t understand — of course shit would be different if we had a black president. You have questions at the White House you never had to answer. (Mocks the presidents assistant): “Mr. President, uh, you know. You’re president now. You don’t have to carry your own gun.” “Uh…Mr. President, I know, we love dogs too, but pit bulls are illegal in Washington D.C. Mr. President.” [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, you wife asked for a hot comb. We don’t know what the fuck that is. [Audience laughter louder] Is the comb already hot or do you heat it up? We asked Condoleezza Rice and she didn’t know either. [Audience laughter and cheering even louder]So we don’t know what that’s all about.” (Laughs)[Audience cheering] “Mr. President, are you going to get sleepy after every single meal, Mr. President? We don’t know what itis is, Mr. President.”(Laughs) [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, the kitchen called and they said they serve other things besides wings, Mr. President. [Audience laughter] Or what you like to call ghetto crab legs, Mr. President.” [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, do I have to give you dap every single time I see you, Mr. President? Can’t I just nod in agreement?”(Raises his arm as if he confused, mocking the assistant)

04:34 Barack Obama’s biggest problem is not his color. It’s his name. That just don’t sound like an American president. Were used to John and George and Bill. Barack Obama that sounds like the owner of a 7-Eleven, don’t it-ey? [Audience laughter] Every time I say that shit, I want a Slurpee, goddamn. [Audience laughter]

04:50 I just, and of course, it would be historic if he became president. They’d put his face on money. All the fucking good money taken. They’d probably piss us off and put his picture on a food stamp and we’d be madder than a motherfucker. [Audience laughter] (Mocking the general population in a monotone voice) “Have you seen the Obama Bucks? That’s — what’s — that’s nice.” [Audience laughter]

05:05 This is D.C. and of course, everything happens here. It is where the immigration debate is raised. And they want to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out. I’m like, who the fuck gonna build it? [Audience laughter](Laughs twice) I know we ain’t. (Holds stomach as if he was taking blame for something) And I cannot imagine white people working in the sun that long, (mocking a white person) “Oh, lord. How many more bricks do we have to go? Jesus. Jose, help me with the wall. As long as you’re on the other side when we finish no one will know. Please Jose.” [Audience laughter]

05:43 Arizona, California, Texas, New Mexico and Nevada was all Mexico until the 1900s. Them motherfuckers’ ain’t crossing the border. We moved it. [Audience laughter] These are the people who build our homes watch our children and grow our food, and we want to insult them by building a fucking wall? If were gonna build a wall, at least put their names on it. And tell them it’s a monument or something. (Motions in the air) This is for you, Lupe. Here’s your name right here. (Points as if he is pointing to a wall with Lupe’s name on it) [Audience laughter]

06:11 This nation was founded by immigrants. Everybody in this motherfucker took a boat. [Audience applauding] Some of us willingly. (Laughs)We actually have a law here that says if Cubans leave Cuba and make it to America, they get to stay. So if I was Mexican, I’d float over to Cuba and ride back with them motherfuckers. [Audience laughter] (Mocking border patrol and a Mexican immigrant) “Are you Cuban” “Si” “Are you sure?” “Si” “All right, let ‘em in…. but if he touches a piñata he’s out of here. I swear to God”

06:52 The statue of Liberty you go to New York, it has an inscription on the bottom by Emma Lazarus that is a tribute an invitation to — to immigrants. Give me your tired, your poor, you huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, and I lift my lamp by the golden door. That’s — that shit is beautiful. [Audience applauding] But if we don’t mean it, let’s scratch that shit off. [Audience laughter] Or at least put, (mocking Americans) “P.S. Except for Mexicans. We reserve the right to refuse the service to anybody. She’s holding a lamp, not a leaf blower” [Audience laughter]

07:27 I don’t understand it man. We have a law here. (Gets tripped up on what he was saying) Uh, y’all riding a yellow bus or something? What the fuck — ? [Audience laughter] All kind of shit going on. I don’t understand. Of course you can’t say nothing to nobody no more. Everybody’s politically correct. You can’t say nothing no god damn more. That’s the fucking deal.

Mark Foley thinking about little boys in his spare time.

07:46 It all started with — remember Mel Gibson said, (mocking Mel Gibson) “Jews started all the wars,” but he couldn’t take the heat for it. “No, no, I don’t hate Jews. I was drinking.” Mark Foley who molested the little boys the little pages in the — in the — (laughs) in the page program (mocking Mark Foley) “I don’t molest boys, I was drinking” Well, I done drink a lot in my life. I’ve never hated a Jew or fucked a little boy. I have gotten drunk and fucked a fat woman, but that’s okay. (Shakes his head and raises his eyebrows) [Audience laughter]

08:10 People saying shit, it all started with that Michael Richards too. This motherfucker said “nigger” eight times before the audience decided they were offended. (Mimicking audience) “Wait — wait a minute [Audience laughter] (looks around as if he was shocked) was that the eighth ‘nigger’ right there? That was eight. Eight. Well, I usually allow myself two ‘niggers’ a year, but this is ridiculous.” [Audience laughter] (Laughs)

Michael Richard’s rant.

Michael Richard’s apology.

08:30 People act like rappers and comedians came up with the word ‘nigger’. We didn’t. ‘Nigger’ is older than baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie. [Audience laughter] You show me a white man that ain’t said ‘nigger’ and I’ll show you a 2-year-old. Fuck that shit-eh. [Audience laughter] That’s the fucking deaaaaa (prolongs deal and laughs). [Audience laughter]

08:47 Jesse Jackson’s gone on TV. (Mimics Jesse Jackson) “We should stop using the word ‘nigger.’” Well, Jesse, if we do, you won’t have a job. [Audience laughter]

08:53 And if the po-leece can’t say ‘nigger’ how they gonna tell us to get out of the car? (Mimics a police officer and a black man) “Get out of the car, sir.” “Oh, fuck him, he’s bullshitting us.”(Laughs)[Audience laughing]

09:06 Look at all the white people. (Mimics his audience) “I wish I could say that. I do” (shakes his head and moves it forward mocking his audience. Moves all the way until his hands are at his knees) well you can, just not here. (Laughs) Do it in your car, like you always do. (Laughs) (Mimics white person is their car) “Nigger!” (Imitates car motor revving and moves across the stage with his hand around a fake steering wheel) [Audience clapping]

09:26 I don’t know how I’m gonna stop saying ‘nigger’ when it describes some motherfuckers I know so perfectly. [Audience laughter] Everybody know that one motherfucker that can only be described as, (covers his face as if he is embarrassed) “That nigger, there. Goddamn!” ooh, ooh. “Oh this nigger here, shit! How did he get my goddamn number, this nigger here?” (Continues to have his hand over his face) (Laughs)

09:46 Truth is I know black men and I know ‘niggers.’ And they all have their place. If I’m hanging out at dinner, I like to hang around with black men. But if the shit break out, here tonight, it’s AND a nigger working for me tonight. The nigger made my hotel arrangements. (Soft laugh) The black man picks up my money. [Audience laughter] ‘Cause you know, them niggers there, boy they — “where my money?” (Mocks a ‘nigger’ in the situation) “You were supposed to get some money?” [Audience laughter] “I didn’t know you was supposed to get some money.” I — So tired of the shit I see. This dude got offended, man. Just always offended. I say what the fuck I feel. I ain’t trying to hurt nobody’s feelings.

10:33 I was talking to this Asian dude and I called him ‘Oriental’ This motherfucker (mocking an Asian person) “I am not Oriental, I am Asian!” Motherfucker, I don’t know?? All I know is y’all run from Godzilla the same fucking way. [Audience cheering and laughing] That’s all the fuck I know. What the fuck I know? (Chuckling while saying)

10:50 And all the white people (Mocking the white people in his audience, sounds like a cry) “I wish I could say that too. I can’t say anything.”

10:57 The only cool thing about being a black comedian is you get to say shit other people can’t say. That’s the fucking deal. But that’s it. That’s the only advantage, man. But if y’all want, we can switch places. We’ll rule the wooorld [Audience laughing], and you get to say “nigger” “bitch” and “ho.” [Audience laughter] And well throw in some of your white women to make it even. [Louder audience laughing] We’ll give em back to you.

11:18 Everybody getting in trouble. Don Imus got in trouble, man. Don Imus, I don’t know why somebody would take him seriously. That motherfucker look like a werewolf that didn’t finish changing. [Audience laughter] Like he was just about to turn into a werewolf, but the moon went down and uh shit! (Turns his body quickly around towards the back of the stage as if he is in disbelief) (Mocking Don Immus) “Where’s my cowboy hat?”

11:41 And Al Sharpton, he was on TV more than the Lady Knights of Rutgers. Ain’t that a bitch? At one point, I thought he played for Rutgers. I’m like, who is the chubby chick with the perm? (Points as if he is pointing to his TV, pauses in this position) What the fuck — ? I don’t understand that shit, man.

11:56 It ain’t what you’re called it’s what the fuck you answer to. When we was growing up your mom used to say shit like (mimics his mother) “they talked about Jesus you think they gonna talk about you?” Sticks and stones can break your bones motherfucker he can say what he wants just don’t let him put his hands on you that, we used to hear that shit all the time, man.[Audience clapping]

12:15 I remember, uh, I mean freedom of speech is a zero-sum proposition. Either you believe in or you don’t. Pretty soon they gonna tell us we can’t say shit. And that’s the fucking deal, man. I don’t understand none of that shit. I don’t get upset about nothing. You can call me what you want. Like I said it’s what I’m going to answer to.

12:30 Like Don Immus called them girls nappy-headed ho’s, and that was wrong, ‘cause they wasn’t ho’s. [Audience laughter] But two or three of them motherfuckers was nappy-headed. Don’t act like it’s just me. Fuck y’all. [Audience laughter]

12:41 I know something about nappy hair. I can swim and the middle of my hair won’t get wet. Fuck y’all. Shit. [Audience laughter] A sister’s hair and sweat don’t go together, no goddamn way. You know sisters can’t take water in their hair. Are you fucking crazy? You’ll start the game looking like Halle Berry. By the fourth quarter you look like me. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughing] “Is that Ben Wallace?” “No that’s Bonita Wallace.” (Busts out laughing) [Audience roaring]

13:08 I go all over the country and I realize, man, there’s other things we could be doing. Like, I don’t knock nobody’s house. I really try not to, man. But you know, we have a lot of problems in our community other than what happened with Don Imus. Like, Don Imus in the grand scheme of things don’t matter.

13:21 You know that 93 percent of black people killed in this country are killed by other black people? One in three black people in this country and in this city in particular, can’t read. That’s a fucking problem. There are more black men in jail than are in college, and we fucking around with Don Imus? Fuck that. (Scuffs)

13:33 But I guess that makes sense ‘cause apparently that was the one white man that was holding us back. [Audience laughter] (Laughs) Now we got rid of him, shit gonna go good. Y’all know that shit is funny. Fuck y’all. Y’all know its fucking funny. [Audience laughing louder] We have different experiences, man. (Scuffs)

Help! I have fallen! Please contact 911 immediately!

13:56 I’m so tired of white people falling off cruise ships, I don’t know what the fuck to do. What is this shit all about? [Audience laughter] It ain’t like we ain’t been drunk on boats. We just don’t fall off them motherfuckers. (Mimics himself on a cruise) “Awhhh nawww, I’m going back to the bar.” I stopped — I don’t like cruising to the Caribbean ‘cause all them fucking islands look alike. I don’t even think that boat went no goddamn where. [Audience laughter]

14:24 Just wait for everybody to fall asleep and pulled back in. (Mimics himself having a conversation with an islander) “Is this Jamaica?” “Yeah mon, yeah mon.” And you get seasick, so they say take this patch. Put it behind your ear to stop the boat from rocking. Like motherfucker, why don’t you put the patch on the side of the boat? Shit. [Audience laughter]

14:37 I stopped liking cruises when I saw the Titanic. Women think it’s a romantic story. I think it’s dumber than a motherfucker. He fucked that girl one time, had to give her the whole piece of wood. Fuck y’all. [Audience laughter] You can have half. [Continued audience laughter] You ain’t even met my mama yet. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience cheering]

14:58 Shit happens I don’t fucking understand man. White folk getting shot at work don’t know what the fuck to do. If you — if you not sure what to do, watch us. When we leave, come, goddamn it. ‘Cause we easing out the building. Look at this crazy motherfucker right here. [Audience laughter]

15:12 This place about to be on the news. Come on Jose (mocking the same Mexican as previously described) “Si. Si. Si. Si.” [Audience clapping] White folk walking right up to the trouble. (Imitates a whiter person in the building) “Hey what are you doing here with the camouflage on? Nobody told me it was casual fri — “(Imitates gunshots and body motions like he is getting shot)

15:37 We be at home watching the news. (Mimics himself as he is watching the news) “I was just there. Oh. They done killed the supervisor. I’m applying for the job tomorrow.” Fuck that shit. We just have different experiences. Like white folk ain’t scared of the police. They talk shit to them.

15:55 (Mimics an angry white person getting pulled over by the police) “Hurry up and write the goddamn ticket, you son of a bitch![Audience laughter] Fucking pig! All this crime going on and you’re fucking with me? There’s a black guy and a Mexican. One of them done something. Goddamn it! Give me your badge number asshoooole.”

16:08 That shit don’t work for us, do it? (Mimics a black person getting pulled over by the police) “Give me your — oh (slams the microphone next to his side to indicate gunshots and moves his body as if he is getting shot) Help me, Jose! No speak-a English. No, no.” [Audience laughter]

16:24 We got a different relationship with the po-lice. You ever had the po-lice follow you so long you get suspicious of your own goddamn self? [Audience laughter] “Maybe I did kill them motherfuckers, actually…”

16:36 You ever notice the more fucked up you are the better you try to drive? When you real high, you stop 20 feet before the light. [Audience clapping] Slip your seat belt on. You got a bottle of liquor on the seat next to you, so you put a seat belt on that motherfucker too. (Bends down like he is talking to the liquor bottle next to him in the car) “Hey if they stop us, act like we ain’t together.” And when you high, everything look like a police car. Don’t it?

17:01 “Oh shiiiiiit. Check out the police. Hey bitch, take that ski rack off your car.” You done made me put out a bag of weed, fucking with you. Let’s go back Jose.”(Mimics Mexican from earlier) “Si. Si. Si. Si.” (Walks away) [Audience laughter]

17:17 Everything’s fucking crazy, now, man. And now we don’t want to know what’s going on in the news, so they anesthetize us with bullshit stories. I mean, Paris Hilton. I don’t even know what the fuck she is famous for? What the fuck did she doooo? ‘Cause her mom and daddy own hotels? You don’t never see them Ramada bitches. You ever see them out? [Audience laughter and clapping] (Look of confusion on his face) You don’t see them Motel 6 ho’s, you don’t see them out. And now she going to jail, but I bet she keep her panties on in jail. I bet you that. [Audience laughter]

17:43 I’m so glad Michael Jackson didn't go to jail. (Laughs) That’s. That’s one motherfucker ain’t cut out fo’ the penitentiary. [Audience laughter] They’d have been passing his ass around like a joint. (Imitating inmates) “Would you like a hit of the king of pop?” “Why yes, I would.” [Audience laughter]

17:56 I felt bad for the courtroom artist, ‘cause that bitch had to draw Michael Jackson. (Scuffs) And that can’t be easy, ‘cause his color ain’t even in the crayon box. [Audience laughter] You gotta mix some shit up to draw Michael Jackson. (Mocking someone deep in thought) “I’m gonna need some peach and some yellow.” [Audience laughter] “Are you drawing Michael Jackson?” “Yes I am ho!”

18:16 Some motherfuckers ain’t cut out for jail, like Ken Lay. The CEO of, uh, Enron. This motherfucker was supposed to go to jail and pay 30 million dollars. And what’d he do? He died. And uh, that taught me a valuable lesson. If you owe a motherfucker that much money, just die. Fuck that shit. [Audience laughter] (Makes a funny face)

18:34 Shit, I hope when I die the last check I write bounce like a motherfucker. (Scuffs) (Mimics someone trying to bounce his check) “Mr. Hughley, there seems to be — — (makes a long squealing noise) [Audience laughing] He did it on purpose. That nigger there. Goddamn.” (Shakes his head)

18:50 Maybe that astronaut. This woman found out her man was fucking around so she drove from Texas to, to Florida with a diaper on ‘cause she didn’t have time to stop and shit. Ain’t that somethin’? And what I want to know is, what car you know go 900 miles without stopping for gaaas? [Audience laughter] So you’ll stop for gas, but you’ll just shit on yourself? What is that? [Audience laughter]

19:12 “Hey ma’am, can I help you?”(Mimics the woman, straining his voice like he is pooping) “No, I’m all right.” Somebody needs to change that baby. Shit. (Motions like he is smelling something bad) They gonna be selling these to crazy-ass women everywhere. (Laughs)

19:26 (Mimics an informational commercial) “Have you ever been on your way to choke a bitch ‘cause you find out she’s fucking your man? All of a sudden, you got to take a shit. Try new AstroDrawers. For the woman on the go with no place to do it.” [Audience laughter]

19:44 I read about this — I remember this skydiving instructor she found out her man was fucking around. She invited the woman he was fucking to go skydiving. And like a dumbass, she went. [Audience laughter] And was shocked that the parachute didn’t open up. Just a note fell out that said,“Bye bitch!” [Audience laughter]

19:58 “You must not know about me. You must not.” (Singing to the tune of Irreplaceable by Beyonce) [Audience laughter and cheering]

20:07 I don’t understand. And I’m actually sad when any human being dies. I’m not passing judgment. I’m just telling you how I see it. Now, when five people claim to be your baby daddy, you a ho. [Audience laughter and clapping] She had more nuts in her than a Snickers bar, that’s all the fuck I’m saying. [Audience laughter]

Alec Baldwin leaves a lovely message on his daughter’s cellphone.

20:30 Alec Baldwin got in trouble because people got upset because he called his 11-year old daughter a pig. (Mimicking the people complaining about this in a whiny voice) “I can’t believe that an adult would talk to a child like that.”Are you out of yo fucking mind?

20:41 Compared to the way we got talked to when we was growing up? (Mimics his mother) “If you don’t sit down and shut the fuck up, I will knock the shit out of you. Ignorant son of a bitch. [Audience cheering] Got me cussing. No I’m saved too. Shit. [Audience laughter] Boy you cost me a trip to heaven, I will fuck you up (really intense). I swear to god. I, I’m sorry, Jesus. Amen. Amen. (Puts his hand over his face) Please, Lord, don’t let me raise up and choke the fuck out of this motherfucker, please.” [Audience laughter]

21:09 Shit, when I was in third grade, my mama shot me. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughter] Yeah with a .22, but it still hurt. I don’t understand it man.

21:17 These fucking kids, I don’t understand. They’re soft too, man. They’re fucking soft. You leave ‘em in the car in the summer and they die. What type of shit is that? [Audience laughter] We got left in the car in the summer and we didn’t die. We had sense enough to get out of the fucking car. It’s hot. We’re in the car. We gonna die. Not me. I’m gonna get out the car. [Audience laughter] (Mimics a conversation between him and his brother at a young age) “Mama said don’t get out.” “I’m taking a whuppin’ but I’m getting out the car. It’s easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.”Fuck that shit. [Audience laughter]

21:46 Our mothers use to treat us — oh man. I remember I was 5 years old. I told my mother I was gonna run away. (Scuffs) She went (imitates his mother) “don’t nobody want your nappy-headed ass but me. Who the fuck wants you but me?” [Audience laughter]

21:57 Oh, man. MY mom used to send me to the liquor store when I was 8 years old to get liquor and cigarettes. (Reenacts a conversation between his mother and him at 8 years old) “Hey mama, they ain’t gonna give me that shit. I’m 8.” “Hm! Take this note.” [Audience laughter] Don’t act like it’s just me. Fuck y’all. (Laughs) [Audience clapping]

22:15 My mom used to have me so stressed out I had to smoke on the way home. (Mimics his 8 year old self) “Oh, shit. I can’t take it.” (Puts his hand over his face as if he is stressed out)

22:26 It’s harder for kids. Teachers are having sex with kids, which I find downright disgusting. They weren’t doing that shit when I was growing up. [Audience laughter] I have been denied a good education.(nods head)They was fucking like that, I’d have went to school on a Saturday.

22:40 (Mocks a conversation between his father and himself at a young age) “Where you going son?”(Uses a deep voice to mimic his father) “School.” “But it’s Saturday.” “I know Daddy, but they fucking in school.” “Well, let me come down here with you, make sure everything’s all right.” [Audience laughter]

22:52 You never see no sisters. They don’t do that shit. Black female teachers don’t do that shit. A sister is not gonna have sex with no kids. A sister ain’t gonna give no pussy unless you got a job. (Mimics a black female teacher) “I know you 6, but you better get a paper route or something. This is school. School is for learning. And the first lesson is, pussy costs. Get a job, goddamn it.”

23:15 I ain’t never seen so many fat-ass kids in my whole fucking life. How the fuck you 5 and fat? Fat-assed 5-year-old. Fuckin 5 and fat.“Come here.” (Mimics a five year old with a high pitched voice) “I can’t. I’m five and I’m fat.”

23:25 You know why they fat? ‘Cause they don’t go outside and play. When was the last time you was driving down the street and kids was outside playing? When we was growing up, we couldn’t go outside, we’d lose our fucking minds. That’s how your mom used to punish you.

23:36 (Mimics his mother again) “Either I’m gonna whup your ass or you can’t go outside.” You take the whupping like a motherfucker. [Audience laughter] You be outside sniffling and playing. (Pretends to be sniffling and crying) “I’m outside, though.”

23:54 These kids are something else, man. And I mean, when I was growing up, every boy, every boy tried to fight his father. It was just a rite of passage. You had to. My father started moving a little slower, and I Uh-huh. I can take this motherfucker. He’s slow. So one day, I tried. I don’t really remember a lot about it. [Audience laughter] but I can say he wasn’t as slow as I thought he was. [Audience laughter]

24:19 At one point, I thought I was fighting three motherfuckers. [Louder audience laughter] “How did you get behind me?” And my mother was on the porch cheering him on. (In a high pitched tone he mimics his mother) “Fuck him up, Charlie! Fuck him up!” I had to call time-out. Time — time — time-out. I know you exhausted. I am. I am. [Audience laughter]

24:39 And now I see my 18-year-old son looking at me the same way. You know, but he — this motherfucker ain’t never had a fight in his whole goddamn life. I’m, I’m not the first fight you want to have, son. You want to work your way up to me. [Audience laughter] Go in there and fight your sisters or something for a while. ‘Cause there ain’t no way in the world I’m gonna let a child of mine kick my ass. And even if you do win, where the fuck you gonna live? [Audience laughter]

25:04 You will be an undefeated, homeless, hungry motherfucker. “I won, but I’m so hungry. I want to go home!” (Mimics his son in a crying defeat. Throws his head back) (laughs) [Audience laughter]

Link to Part II

Unapologetic Part 2

D.L. Hughley Unapologetic Transcript

medium.com

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