The Biography of Benjamin Franklin

The Biography of Benjamin Franklin by Caroline Schaper

I was born in 1706 and I have remembered every single moment of my entire life since breaching. I was blessed with a perfect brain. I weighed 300 pounds and was balding since birth but nobody in the world ever stepped to me because they knew I could best them in any contest: physical, intellectual, or sexual. I had thousands of lays and in every single one of them, I fathered a child. I invented the city of Philadelphia to give my children a place to live.

Every adjective in existence can be ascribed to me. I was an author, printer, political theorist, politician, freemason, postmaster, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat. You ever heard of the word POLYMATH? Well, ya just did, bitch. And that describes me too. I invented everything useful and put my dick in everything else.

In school, children learn that I invented electricity and are taught never to question it. That doesn’t make any fucking sense because electricity has existed for all time, but I have transcended time and reason. Just as I did when I forced electricity to bend to my will.

Some shit I did invent is the lightning rod, the glass harmonica, bifocal glasses, the urinary catheter, and the Franklin stove which I named after myself. And, in the most baller move of all time, I never patented a single one because inventions that benefit the public good should be shared freely and generously.

Once, I got bored and invented an Ivy League College. Then I went to France and had sex with every woman and got them to name 16 different streets after me in Paris.

The office of President was not challenging enough for me so instead I invented the United States Postal Service, and I am the only person ever in existence to understand it. I worked as the first postmaster general and I DO take credit for the anthrax crisis.

I invented the state of Pennsylvania as a fucking joke. But everyone took me seriously and now we have Rick Santorum.

I am the number one most name-checked person in the entire genre of rap music. And I absolutely deserve it. I lived my life in a way that would make DMX jump off the Benjamin Franklin Bridge.

In conclusion, I leave you with this: We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. I wrote that about your mom.

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