10 Days of Silence

My 10 Day Silent Dhamma Vipassana Retreat

TL;DR: Completing this silent meditation retreat was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Yet it proved profoundly effective for addressing my burnout, when so many other methods had failed. I walked away realising that I am responsible for my own suffering. Even when I am not at fault, I am responsible and accountable for things that affect me — that realisation was strangely liberating.

I learned that the root of all suffering is craving, averting, or attachment. I learned to observe my thoughts and feelings, rather than react to them, or allowing them them to control me. I learned to open my heart and quiet my mind enough to see the present moment clearly; greeting everything that arises with patience and equanimity.

It was a wild and worthwhile journey! And surprisingly I made some very deep friendships along the way, despite the noble silence and forbidden eye contact.

No talking, No hugs. No writing, No drugs. No exercise, No books. No clothes that will give you good looks. No dinner, just fruit for a beginner, I’m sure I’ll get thinner. No technical device, no external advice, your inner voice shall suffice. Shouldn’t I think twice?

Why would anyone sign up for this for 10 days?

On a crisp, bluebird day in a foreign Canadian city, Phil, a former martial arts world champion, arrived with a car full of uniquely different men. The typical exchange of ‘how are yous?’ was replaced with profound, personal inquiries such as ‘what are your challenges, traumas, and dreams?’ I shared my story about recently burning out after helping build an AI startup from 0 to over 200 employees — a stark contrast from my career in dance eight years prior. Consequently, I left my job, ended my relationship with my boyfriend, rented out my flat on Airbnb, and booked a ticket to Calgary. While liberating to abandon my safety nets, I was also terrified. I had to remind myself that courage means having fear but doing it anyway.

I did not expect to engage in such deeply inspiring conversations — ranging from entrepreneurs striving to become better leaders, to individuals who survived suicide and found the strength to live again. As they opened their hearts, everyone shared stories that were both beautiful and challenging about why they chose to attend this 10-day silent Dhamma Vipassana retreat.

I felt a bit shallow realizing that I only learned about it because my mum had threatened me with this mystical retreat when I was excessively talkative as a teenager.

Our conversation held special significance, knowing it would be the last one any of us would have for the next 10 days. As we prepared to enter into noble silence, I felt humbled and grateful to be among this group of open and purpose-driven people. The next ten days would surely be a transformative experience for us all.

So what is this retreat?

I like to see it as a detox from the world, but ultimately it’s a beginners course to Vipassana meditation; the meditation of wisdom and insight. This is achieved by observing reality without judgment or attachment. Vipassana meditation is a powerful tool for self-transformation by developing greater clarity, wisdom and compassion. It can also help us to reduce stress, anxiety, and negative emotions.

The retreats are free, running on donation and volunteers. With long waiting lists, I applied to Vipassana centers across the world before gaining acceptance to one in rural Alberta Youngstown. They needed a local emergency contact; luckily I remembered that I met a guy on a floating bamboo bar on a stranded beach in the Philippines who just so happened to be from Calgary. I found him on instagram and asked if he could help, and he kindly accepted. Knowing that this person, pretty much a stranger, would be the only person called to drive 6 hours to pick me up, set the barrier to leave pretty high.

Arriving to the retreat

As our carpool pulled up to a rural converted disabled home, I reflected on the intense anxiety that pulsated through my body the previous day. While excited, I also feared what would surface in 10 silent days alone with my thoughts. I had never meditated longer than 10 minutes or without guidance. Now I was plunging into an intense period of silent inner work without my usual distractions and indulgences. So I reminded myself of my reasons for coming.

What I want to gain from this experience:

• Overcome my burnout, particularly the anxiety and depression it gifted me.
• Develop a regular meditation practice. To be better at managing my attention, attitude, and reactions. In other words, rule my mind so it doesn’t rule me.
• Reclaim my confidence

Day 0

The separation of genders started once we entered the campus — I missed my carpool friends immediately. We were served a light meal in our spartan gender-specific dining halls, sitting facing the wall in silence.

Through the walls, I began to hear chatty men — I don’t hear chatty men unless I’m at a pub or sports game. Why would I hear them here of all places? I quickly learned that noble silence didn’t start for another 2 hours! I thought maybe most of the women wanted to start early, so I went outside to hang out with the men, who were surprisingly the chattiest gender.

Every man had a widely different life story. Some were already somewhat on the path to enlightenment; some were in the midst of mental health struggles. Some were professional athletes, tech executives, truck drivers, chefs, travel bloggers, parents, college students, you name it. 45 people who you would typically never have expected to be put in a room together, yet bonded within minutes, and soon without words.

Before our first mediation at 8pm, we had a meeting where we vowed to follow the following rules, work hard, and stay for the whole 10 days.

The rules/restrictions = Sila (ethical conduct)

Embarking on a Vipassana retreat requires temporarily letting go of many common indulgences, distractions, attachments and crutches. Most people think that this is the difficult part. While difficult, limiting outer distractions cleared space to go deeper internally. As the teacher explained, by simplifying the external, truth can unfold within.

Five precepts for the duration of the course:

• to abstain from killing any being
• to abstain from stealing
• to abstain from all sexual activity
• to abstain from telling lies
• to abstain from all intoxicants

During the 10 days you must:

• Practice Noble Silence: This means no speaking, body language, smiles, eye contact, etc. There are daily opportunities for a 5 minute interview with the teacher, or a manager you can speak to about any problems.
• No technology: I loved this, though I surprisingly happily welcomed my phone back.
• Wear loose and modest clothing: No leggings, jewellery, nail polish, make-up, etc. I personally borrowed my friend’s maternity clothes for this. There is so much research about the impact of looking good. Imagine not even thinking about your appearance for 10 days…
• No exercise or yoga: Probably one of the most challenging. You can walk in your breaks and stretch as needed. I cheekily snuck in some squats whilst I waited for my shower to get hot. I noticed two days later when it hurt to sit why this rule was so important.
• No consumption of any books, music, entertainment of any form: Instead you begin to only have Goenka’s voice (the teacher) in your mind, the only voice you hear for 10 days.
• No writing, art or creation of anything: Another one I really struggled with… and one that makes writing this blog harder. But apparently we will remember everything that is important.
• No practicing of any religion, or other meditation or spiritual practice: Vipassana is not tied to any religion but to learn it properly and do the deep work just Vipassana needs to be focused on for 10 days.
• No mixing of genders: Women and Men are separated with different walking, sleeping and eating areas. You have half of the room each. At the end of the course, my manager shared that she continually had to keep moving my cushions back as apparently I was drifting too far to the men’s side I didn’t even notice — what does that say about my subconscious?
• No leaving the property: Unless you drop out of the course, you are bound to your gendered zone.
• No physical contact: No hugs :(

Day 1

So what do you do all day??? Meditate, meditate, meditate! As the daily schedule revealed, there wasn’t even enough time to sleep — just 10.5 hours devoted to meditation practice, with 3 hours being “strong sits” requiring no movement for 60 straight minutes.

I sat alone in the stark meditation hall as the teacher first taught us samadhi — cultivating concentration by fixing attention on the breath. “Simply notice the subtle sensations of air passing by the nostrils,” he instructed. Simple enough in theory.

Yet as hours passed siting motionless, this grew agonizingly difficult. I thought I came to learn Vipassana, only to be told we must first tame the mind’s tendency to wander. For the next 40 hours, my entire universe would consist of tiny breaths entering and exiting my nose.

I expected following the strict discipline to be the greater challenge. Focusing my hyperactive mind felt nearly impossible by comparison! Thoughts assaulted me, stealing focus like a Broadway spectacle. No matter how often I attempted redirecting attention to my nostrils, some fresh distraction always took center stage.

The practice was to keep pulling awareness back to the anchor of breath — the one constant through life, both automatic yet controllable. By strengthening attention, the mind could gain power over its contents rather than being ruled by each passing urge.

It felt like a process of decluttering the mind. Like I was in a hoarder’s palace and it was so filled to the brim that no floor could be seen. I had a visual of me at the palace gates, and as the doors burst open, objects and memories continue to fly out for hours on end. Each room was so filled that I didn’t know if it was a bedroom, kitchen, or sitting room. As the days went by it felt like moving vans came and cleared the hallways, and rooms until they transformed to their intended purpose. Even after this clearout, it still felt like there was a lot of clearing and redesigning to do.

The strangest thoughts came up. Loads of crossbred cartoon animals such as furry fish- truly psychedelic. At one point I was just so amused by what my mind was bringing up. I saw an old man passed out in a giant paint palette and thought, wow, all of this really is random, but as that image floated closer and became bigger, I realized that this was my uncle who had passed away during the pandemic. He was an artist. Maybe these thoughts weren’t all so random? Despite that, I did start to recognise that I don’t have to identify with my thoughts, they can just be thoughts. I don’t have to control my thoughts, I just have to stop letting them control me.

Day 2

As we strolled the grounds, everything seemed more vibrant. The grass looked lusher, the skies wider, the trees more alive. With each passing day, it was as if new lenses revealed the park’s hidden beauty. My shoulders, knotted from years of tension, felt themselves slowly lowering into a relaxed posture I’d long forgotten.

I thought, “This is wonderful! A serene mental detox that everyone should try.” I even contemplated going to an ashram for a few months and living like a monk. It felt so restorative. Yet observing others shuffling by, not everyone seemed to share my bliss.

That’s not to say it was easy. Lingering anxiety still gripped me, assumed leftovers from recent burnouts. I assumed I would have breakdowns that would lead to breakthroughs. Though like all good anxious people, I also feared my breakdowns. So much so that I had an interview with the assistant teacher, Joan Smith. I came to her to co-plan my anticipated breakdown, as I was worried that if I didn’t break down in the right way, I may get kicked out. Joan giggled as she shared that this is the safest place on earth for a breakdown.

I worried what suppressed troubles might arise when left alone with my thoughts for days on end. Would the feared breakdowns arrive? Would they spur growth or jeopardize my stay?

Later that day, sudden panic set in about my fancy chopping board and knife that I left in my apartment back home. Worried that my airbnb guest would ruin them. Silly, given the spiritual teachings on non-attachment. Yet years of attachment died hard. Such overreactions reminded how much inner work remained. I let the thought go, but my Airbnb thoughts would not let me go, and they continued to buzz in my head over the next few days.

Day 3

Joan, our assistant teacher, smirked as though she had Christmas presents for us all. She announced we could broaden attention to subtle sensations on our upper lips. What a luxury right? But really, these things become as exciting as a new toy.

Focusing on my nostrils and now lips awakened whole microscopic universes — molecules dancing, atoms buzzing. My sharpened concentration felt powerful, though impatience also surfaced at times. How could these sensations always be happening, and us not being aware of them at all?

Simultaneously I felt freed from the typical rat race many of us participate in day to day. Luckily, every evening there was a discourse where we watched a recording of Goenka, who always knew exactly what we needed to hear that day to motivate us to keep on going. It was also the only time you would occasionally hear laughter and see smiles in the room (not that we should be looking at others — shhh).

As I settled into my evening meditations, I was surprised at the growing anxiety about my chopping board and knife. It was illogical. I wondered if it was a metaphor for my stress as I did not have anything else in my life to stress or worry about… yet my body didn’t know how not to be stressed.

Day 4

I knew nothing about Vipassana before coming. I could have come and only done Samadhi for 10 days and been content. But could I? It was pretty hard… But after hearing so much about Vipassana from Goenka I was so excited. I was also just excited to get to think about something other than the skin around my nostrils!

The previous 40 hours spent focusing on such a small area was tough. I saw this kind of like learning a new sport. Let’s take gymnastics for example. You need to work on strength and conditioning before you can do any tricks. So the Samadhi we had done for 3 days prepped us to learn Vipassana on day 4. This is where Panna, insight and wisdom, would begin — what we all came to learn. We did this by following a simple scan down each body part.

Unfortunately the worry about my Airbnb grew. I then realized that I had not shared my Wi-Fi password. My mind began to spiral and think that my Airbnb guest — who is meant to be there for 5 weeks — would leave and cost me thousands of pounds and a bad review. It continued to spiral to bad, unrealistic places. Logically I knew that the person managing my Airbnb was smart, would be able to find the password somehow or come up with some solution. But my body and mind did not want to accept this logic.

Day 5

I was told it gets more intense every day until day 5 when things get easier. If I could push through to day 5, I thought I could finish this course! As I settled in for Vipassana, I scanned my body systematically, feeling sensations I normally miss — like an ever-morphing energy ball. They say our “unconscious” is always conscious if we tune into physical sensations. And through this I directly experienced Anicca — the truth that change is the only constant.

I learned that misery happens when we cling or resist what arises. If you crave or fight reality, you suffer. I felt my mind being rewired on a subtle level as I practiced equanimity with body sensations. I struggled to relate evenly to pain or pleasure, simply noticing them since nothing lasts. By the end of that day we added “scanning upwards” to our technique. Simple idea, yet like learning guitar upside-down — my mind tied in knots. But I reminded myself growth lies beyond comfort.

I was pumped finishing day 5 since they said it gets easier. I thought, the tough part’s done, I’ve got this!

Yet I also wondered if I need to be a monk or vegan for meditation to really work since, apparently, I’m responsible for all suffering, including past abuse…Too tired to ask questions, I grappled with conflicting thoughts. My Airbnb paranoia continued. But I knew this experience offered teachings — if I can’t even relinquish my phone here, could I ever?

Day 6

It was supposed to get easier after halfway. This was my hardest day yet. I found meditation tough. I wasn’t sleeping right. And I struggled with the philosophy. I had to remind myself that our proudest wins often follow our hardest battles.

In frustration I asked Joan, “If we’re responsible for our misery, if some of this comes from past lives, are you telling me I deserve the abuse I’ve received?”

With her calm, unsurprised presence she reassured me: “No, but if UPS delivers abuse, do you invite it in? Or do you say ‘No thanks, return to sender’?” I found peace in this analogy. Sure, there were times I can now take accountability for allowing abuse to continue. But there’s also suffering, especially in childhood, or from stranger attacks, that doesn’t fit. She had no good explanation for those, but shared compassion and the view that this philosophy isn’t about blame — it’s about recognizing where we can walk away and stop magnifying pain, which only hurts us more.

Day 7

Days 6 and 7 were the roughest yet. I asked Joan, “When’s my breakdown happening? I think I’m ready now. I feel stronger.” She didn’t have a clear answer. Seems each day unfolds uniquely — there’s no big meltdown for everyone. But I was eager and impatient for the breakthrough I hoped would follow a breakdown.

I shared my Airbnb worries and she actually shared my concern. This validated how I felt. She said needing your phone for that is reasonable — I could use it if I wanted. But I passed. The teacher did lift my spirits mentioning a talking day on day 10. I was so pumped for that!

Day 8

I was confused sensing my “heart” pulsating where my stomach should be. Slowly I realized I could now feel my organs. My stomach didn’t match my idea of it…but this opened new entertainment scanning my body.

Scanning 11 hours daily requires determination. For 3, 1 hour-long “strong determined sits” we can’t move at all. Numb feet teach impermanence — it will pass. My first full sit I thought: if I can do this I can do anything. I made it the whole hour without blinking, fidgeting or anything! I was so proud. But later strong sits somehow felt harder. Maybe since I’d proven I could do it, I lacked fresh motivation.

My 10-minute interview with Joan made me chatty. She even stopped herself “We’ve gone 5 minutes over, I’m making you extraverted”. It took 4 hours after that to regain my introverted meditative depths. This gave me new appreciation for silence and its purpose.

Day 9

I felt a wet, joyful tear on my face, oozing love and compassion. I realized the anger, blame and shame I’d walked in here with — toward others and myself — had melted away. Even my burnout faded. As I thought of those people I overflowed with understanding and warmth, sending them good wishes in mini-meditations. While it’s tempting to point fingers outward, I saw how that had disempowered me, obscuring my own choices. Accountability gives power, control. Accountability enables growth. Ultimately, clinging to blame or anger only winds up hurting me.

Day 10

THE TALKING DAY! We meditated normally that morning. I was almost a little sad, but also very excited. I knew that these would be my last few hours in such a deep state, I needed to make the most of them. As we wrapped up our last Vipassana meditation, we learned Metta which you’re supposed to do for 10 minutes at the end of each meditation. It is a love and compassion meditation. I had so much love and compassion for myself for getting through this, and for the group and organization for creating these retreats. I had tears of joy running down my face in disbelief of the personal growth I had just gone through. So much pride and gratitude.

The talking part

No one quite knew how to start. I saw Chelsey, the girl who sat next to me the whole time, who happened to have the same toilet schedule and roomed next to me, and I just gave her a five minute hug. We both craved hugs so much, and we just chatted endlessly. Literally hours. She felt like a sister. It was so strange, people’s voices didn’t sound like what I expected, and no one fit the story that I made up for them in my head. There was one beautiful woman who I thought was a 20 year old model, and had beautiful Tulum style clothes for this retreat, turns out she is 38, with 3 kids, one who is 18 years old! She had some severe chronic diseases that made her suicidal from the pain, the doctors tried everything, and it wasn’t until she was introduced to Tea ceremonies, a form of meditation, where she learned to rewire her brain and reversed the effects of this lifelong disease that left her bedbound.

The stories you hear about people’s lives here were just insane! A lot of stories of past suicide attempts which was tough, but inspiring as they managed to find joy, love and happiness again through meditation. People with ADHD or other learning difficulties who find meditation better for them than medication. There were also people there who had all their ‘shit together’ who just knew this would be another useful tool for their life.

Regardless of who I talked to, I felt so deeply connected to them. I loved hearing about others’ journeys. I thought everyone looked so peaceful and happy, and that no one was having an existential crisis or breakdown. Turns out I just didn’t notice them. Most people had several. One girl told me about how paranoid she became that she thought she was getting poisoned by the teacher but she didn’t know how to confront the teacher about this… Luckily the teacher was still able to reassure her even though she was the suspect of her fear. That day I could feel my brain pulsate. It felt like my brain was too big for my skull. It actually hurt. My brain was not used to all of this stimulation…and talking is the only thing that we had reintroduced. Though it didn’t stop me, I talked to my new friends, or shall I say soul sisters, until past our bedtime.

Finishing

On the last day we had our last meditation, a social breakfast and we all cleaned the center. The first thing I did when I got my phone was to ring Rosie who was managing my airbnb. She burst out in laughter when I explained my anxieties over the wifi, chopping board and knife. Whilst it was all valid, she found a way to connect to the wifi anyway, and the airbnb guest happily put away the chopping board and knife. She even gave me a 5 star review that made me feel like I got an A+ on a test. It’s amazing how we prematurely worry about things that work out just fine.

I was so looking forward to getting my carpool back. Everyone in the car had such a glow about them. Some people seemed like complete new people. Though surprisingly the one guy who had done the retreat before shared how he didn’t have the glow and lightness he had after his first retreat, and that he found this one more challenging. This car ride, and lunch validated how different everyone’s experience was. Everyone had their own challenges but everyone did gain something from it. I adored this group. Though my social battery had shrunk.

I reunited with Chelsea before I left Calgary, and we thought the only appropriate thing to do before she drove me to the airport was to get tattoos to commemorate this experience.

My reflections post this

I thought, surely after spending 10 days at a retreat I would come out a changed person. Why is it that we often think that our minds don’t require any training, and if they have some we should see results so quickly?

Whilst it was slightly discouraging to be told that this 10 days would only allow me to learn the beginner level of this technique, and to really see benefit I should practice for 2 hours daily, consistently and go to retreats yearly, over time, I learned that the mind is the hardest part of your body to train. It’s like learning to train an elephant, actually, harder. But nothing in the world can harm you more than your own mind, and nothing can help you achieve more than learning how to become the master of it. So bringing it back to sports analogies, we know that to become a master in a sport you must practice for years, and many hours daily, but even just as a beginner, you do get benefits.

Reflections two months later

I thought with no job, I’d easily meditate 2 hours daily! I even planned to keep it up at Burning Man. I did stick to it for weeks, though it faded once immersed in the playa. Back home I managed an hour a day, but consistency wavered.

Still, despite irregular practice, the mental strength and clarity meditation provided persisted. I’ve been anxiety and depression-free since finishing the course. The philosophical teachings continue yielding insights that better my life. I’m keenly aware of my mind’s patterns and habits now, sometimes consciously rerouting them skillfully.

While intensive retreats may only scratch the surface of this deep practice, I found immense value in my 10 days. The experience revealed our minds’ untapped potential and the peace possible by taming our inner elephants. My quest to master meditation continues, but for now I’m grateful for a taste of what consistent, dedicated training can achieve. This course gifted me an internal compass to navigate life’s challenges with more wisdom and ease.