I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up

I was born 34 years ago, in a developed country, in a middle class family. Just with these two factors we can conclude that I had a huge range of options to choose from; of course my mom and dad wanted the best for me. And it still beats me inside to concede that, for better or worse, all they did was with their best intention. The sad thing is, having good intentions is not enough to bring a mentally healthy adult up.

I have always followed the rules, and even though I could tell some stories of rebelion, the truth is that I always was, and will be, the good girl. How many like me out there? Anyone? I discovered the art of acting when I chose theater as an optional subject at high school, and the kind of feeling that it gave me, or the adrenaline, or my godness…vocation!! whatever it was, I recall the day I went home and said out loud “I want to become an actress”. From that moment on, I gained no support from my family and was pushed towards the right path of becoming…an engineer. A telecommunication engineer.

And I did it,damn, how did I do that? oh yeah…by means of hating each class, but having an overgrown sense of responsability helped with the task, as also did running away to a nordic country to deal with the last year and master’s thesis. That erasmus experience and the amazing people I met the previous years in colleague are the two things I would not change in this story.

When I came back home after the erasmus I started working as an intern for a German tech company, and boom, I met there my dear companion, who has always supported me on my acting pursue, or any other pursue of mine, and in fact allowed me to go back to university for a full year course on cinema and acting. That was the best I could do, the feeling of being free just waking up and acting in a professional environment, making contacts, getting to know people…loved it,loved it,loved it!

But this is (not only) the story of my frustration regarding acting. I do love it a ton, but I was completely aware of the type of life that it would be and I chose to go back to the steady world of 9to5 office work.

Apparently my character as an adult was forged in my first two years of life, and it was too late then for me to change it (irony note, see below).

I ended up quite wrecked after trying to get professional roles and eventually looked for help. Then, I met my admirable and dearest gestalt therapist, who taught me how to deal with myself in and out, others in and out, upside downs, reverses and twistes of life.

And here I am 4 years later, living again in a nordic country and enjoying for the most part, but feeling that my purpose in life is not building technical connections towards mobile operators.

I have no clue about what it is…I get some vibes, though. But honestly…34 years and still wandering…it makes me a little sad.

Probably related to the fact that I walked a longer than 3 years therapy path, or because I have always liked people and I’m social and I do learn from everybody else experiences, and I can be compassionate and empathic easily, I am trying to become a coach. Again, my age is not the best ally. I don’t have the resouces to go back to school, and I can hardly start or find a mentor to guide me through and tech me.

And, oh dear god, I swear I get enthusiastic about everything…that new instagram profile that I just discovered, and he/she is doing that professionally, and how cool that would be…

My most profound learnings do not help me (yet) to change my career, but hey, I pulled it all out and that is totally therapeutic:

- Listen to your needs. The earlier you learn how to do this, the better. What do I need? is your new mantra

- It is my responsability to take care of my needs. No one else is to blame if they are not fulfilled

- Do not accuse anyone, say your need and feelings at that exact moment

- Observe your reactions to get to know your patterns. How you react to the external stimulus (life) is on you and, yes, you can choose. Your automatics can be controlled

- Most people are not an inch aware of their needs or patterns. That’s why I can be of help to the world. Be patient

Let it out, let it go…and breathe

No, you’re not perfect either