The Blessings of Being Wierd — from Someone with Asperger
The Blessings of Being Wierd — from Someone with Asperger
The Blessings of Being Weird — Perspectives from someone with Asperger (ASD)
I was not convinced when my doctor told me that I wasn’t a typical case of Asperger because I was originally seeking help for depression and anxiety. When I was presented in the clinic, I failed a few exams, failed to make genuine connections in life. Literally, I dreaded to school everyday. Perhaps my occasional suspicion, social withdrawnness, frequent doubts about social nuances had raised a red flag for her diagnosis. She told me the experienced receptionist also recognized I have certain traits. Sometimes, I would wonder whether my doctor was saying that to ease my guilt of being a spoiled kid so that she can recieve another pay-check. The fact is, she is over sixty and is well established with her own funeral prepared. She is probably secure enough to enjoy life rather than working for it.That being said, no additional charges incurred for the emails we exchanged in between visits. I am high functioning, meaning that I can still perform at work and take care of myself. It wasn’t easy when I have shopped around for several therapists for years and have almost lost hope of getting improvement. A colleague of mine told me, “you are so negative that it’s like terminal stage cancer. It’s difficult for anyone to stay close to you.” Everything experienced could be seen as a blessing in disguise:
1)Being more appreciative of mother nature and arts
I have managed to develop spiritual connection with mother nature through interacting with animals, diving, hiking to make up the connectedness that I always have longed for.
Interaction with animals is generally more obvious and less stressful for me. Most domestic mammals, cats and dogs, would reciprocate most of the time, leaving very little room of deception.
In my free time, I find arts and craft therapeutic because they can bring myself to the present. I write my own songs, poems and blog.
2)I am Potentially a good actor
Thanks to my acting and public speaking training, I managed to put on very different persona in different situations and have usually prepared scripts mentally in my head before I attend most events. From uttering single worded response, to formulated responses, Overtime, I have flourished my scripts so that it is no longer standard. question like “how’s your brother”“what classes are you taking”. I applied tips learnt from books when trying to move from one topic to another, though the transition can still seem awkward. I can imitate the facial expression as needed in different situations but sometimes they may not match the content of my speech. Sometimes, I would dramatically act out so that I become the center of fun.
I am usually less stressed with one on one interactions but would fall short on group interactions where there are subgroups or hidden agenda. After a whole day of pretending to be different reasonable persons, I am usually exhausted and would need some quiet time, Afterall, I find it most comfortable talking about something technical, informative and intellectual.
3)Chances to meet real friends who really Are friends
Back in middle to high school, I was surrounded with girls, and most of the time I could not understand girls dynamics when they gossip about guys, teachers or each other. It was easier for me to discuss math and science, sometimes, the meaning of life with teachers.
I have probably rubbed on the nerves of others when I failed to comprehend hidden messages in a social environment. I was labeled as being “self-centered”, “snobbish”and “difficult”. In some way, I admitted for being part of the problem for not knowing how to respect the boundaries of others and not knowing the appropriate language to express certain feelings. For relationships I have broken, there I have no control over it at that time with the level of knowledge and skills I had.
Some managed to explain to me some social nuances that I never understood as in they are really doing me a favor without getting much from me in return. Or at least, I didn’t know what I can really offer in return. As I don’t get many friends, I treasured more whom I have. Even sometimes, my parents would ask me “why cant you understand”or “Why are you like this?”I am truly grateful for those who have accepted the way I am.
In fact, I did have friends who allowed me to stick around like an “old rag”. One came all the way from Shatin and brought friend just to play badminton with me. He even introduced me to a join free trip to Hainan. It was because I mentioned to him once that I didn’t have many friends in school. He definitely had friends who can give him more fun than me. One gave me a call during his office hours to check in when I had melt-down. Two of them have spent time to meet my doctor personally for a counseling session, till now, I am forever grateful.
4)Managing others with compassion
There were moments when I received belittling comments from my parents about seeing someone professional or meeting friends. “I am not seeing any improvement”“You are still like this. You never change”The use of strong words like “any”or “never”are in fact quite hurtful. I made sure I would only use them infrequently in the future when offering feedback to peers, spouse or children.
“They are just saying that so that they get paid. Remember we have no monetary conflict at all. We are always here doing this for your own good.”Chinese parents like to justify their actions and words their good will, not necessarily right. “Your friends are just saying something random so that you don’t tag around like an old rag”. What was said had lots of negative implications I human relationships. They will break down trust and justify action. My take home is we cannot hijack the will of others by trying to impose guilt in order to control the value, feelings and action of the others. After all, who are we to judge, and who are we to control.
Perhaps in the future, as a parent, if that’s going to happen, I will need to set healthy boundaries for my children and us. It’s very likely that I will pass on my autistic traits to my off-springs. What children need is not a value system or succeeding formulas imposed by us or society. Their sense of self and responsibility would diminish. I would encourage them to navigate their own territory. I would offer them assistances and advice only when being asked. Instead of apparent success, what’s more important for one is to become responsible individuals with high self esteem so that they can know how to live and love.
5) Being more tolerant with individual differences
I tried to cope. At home, I read books and blogs about communication skills. I went to church groups, public speaking club to practice speaking and enhance my confidence. If I encounter any difficult moments, I would record down and review what I could have done better. Yet, still, navigating social groups with multiple social hierarchies, communicating with difficult people and making negotiations remained area of unknown to me. A seemingly simple daily skills would take arduous effort, sometimes like studying another degree, to master.
To a certain point, there is a limit to which I can improve. I can never be a popular person. Accept of what it is, have faith and let go.
Whenever I meet those with certain disabilities, especially those with communication difficulties, instead of reacting initially with negative or judgmental attitude, I would not terminate conversation. We all have our problems. Instead of giving negative comments, I would try to offer my biggest smile and my most scripted responses.
Since I don’t get commission for what I do, I won’t have the incentive to push away patients of special needs. Under the environment I work, I am grateful for the flexibility I can offer to accommodate those who need a pair of listening ears. Sometimes, what a patient needs is more than a quick fix to apparent problem but life-related answers to their deeply-hurted souls.
Though I have always wished I were a social butterfly who can always respond with tact, this is the way I am. At the same time, I should not make any excuse for mistakes I made.
I hope my experience could be a blessing to myself and those around me. It is the beauty of imperfection.
