What I Meant Behind, “I’ll see you soon.”

It has been 30 hours since the conversation took place and I have not gone through a minute in those 30 hours when I don’t replay what happened.

*After about 40 minutes of me rambling, we went for those awkward car hug before I had to leave*
012: “Thank you so much for telling me. You can finally let go of the past and focus on your big future.”
Me: “Thank you for listening to me. I’ll see you soon.”

When I said that, I felt an unbearable pain in my heart knowing that I actually won’t get to see 012 anytime soon. I tried to enjoy every second of the time I had with 012 that day/evening. I remembered every smile, laugh, frown, tease… I remembered every moment. I tried to savor whatever time I had left. I tried so hard to not cry at the thought of not being able to be there with 012. I tried. I really did, but the pain broke me and made me cry.

012 is my first love. People tell me that I am too young to know what love is, and I completely agree. I am an idiot, but I am an idiot that fell in love when I was only 13 years old. I didn’t even realize I was in love with 012 until I was 16 because I refused to believe that the concept of love for teenagers is real. My stubbornness has given me so much burden because had I accepted my feelings early on, I would’ve been able to move on. Five years later, I am still heavily fixated on 012 despite the times I believed that I was over it.

Why am I in love with 012?

012 is #1 in my heart aside from my family. 012 helped me at both of my lowest points in life and has literally kept me alive during my deepest dark times. 012 was always there for me since the beginning when we were only friends and 012 was one of the two people in my life that was patient with me. 012 knew what to say and what to do- and understood me on such a deep level that even I was surprised because 012 helped me realize that I have so much more to me than just my name. 012 was and always has been real with me with no holding back. 012 was exactly what I needed.

I remember seeing 012 for the first time again at a benefit show after two years of not keeping in contact with their new significant other- the one 012 began to date a month after we broke up. I recall suddenly tearing up and having to hide behind a group of people because I suddenly felt so much anxiety and heart ache. Fasting forward, we reconnected the summer following that show and were reminded of each other’s importance in both of our lives. Now, 012 is happily back with the significant other I saw at the show and though my heart bears a heavy weight to it, I am happy for 012 because their happiness means the world to me.

Someone as beautiful and as breathtaking as 012 is someone that must be cherished. Someone that deserves all the love and happiness in the world- something that I couldn’t give. Something that I failed 4 years ago in 2012 when we parted ways. Something that I still regret ‘till this day, August 6, 2016.

People tell me that my voice and speech pattern is different when I speak of 012. People tell me that I change and that I never act like this with anyone else. That’s only because no one else has made me feel this way before (Yikes! That was cliché, I’m sorry.).

As I type this, I am listening to Video Games by Lana Del Rey and I remember when the song came out, I immediately sent 012 the lyrics:

“It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you. Everything I do- I tell you all the time, ‘Heaven is a place on Earth with you. Tell me all the things you want to do.’ …They say that the world was built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you.”

Today, August 6, 2016, these lyrics are still as accurate as they were back in 2012. At the time, my heart beat with joy because I was able to share these lyrics with someone I was romantically involved with. Now, my heart aches with sorrow because I am not romantically involved with 012 anymore. It aches because all I have left are memories, and because I have made the decision to not be involved any further with 012.

“I’ll see you soon,” is my heartbreaking way of saying, “I love you so much and I wish I could keep you in my life, but this is for the best. Good bye.”