Thanks, woke Insta-bro
The Internet is apparently falling all over itself, due to an Instagram post in which “woke” Insta-bro Robbie Tripp praises the plus-size body of his wife. On the surface — and I mean the very surface — it seems like a body-positive message from a guy who claims to be a feminist, or, at least, an ally of women.
But let’s be honest. It’s not. It’s actually really offensive.
Here’s the post:
Let’s break it down, starting at the very beginning:
“I love this woman and her curvy body. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, girls that the average (basic) bro might refer to as “chubby” or even “fat.”
Translation: I want to go to great lengths to tell you that I like fat women, but I don’t use the word “fat,” because it’s apparently a bad word. (Except it’s not, and I ❤ you Lindy West.)
Instead of telling you that there is a hell of a lot more to life than how other people see you, or even noting my wife’s accomplishments, I will spend the next several sentences extolling my attraction to her body. Maybe I’ll tell you her name later.
“Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes women by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean) I realized how many men have bought into that lie.”
Translation: I lived in a total bubble, and happened upon feminism by accident. No women helped educate me at all, because I am a natural-born feminist hero.
(Also, now that I, a straight white man, have used the word “feminism,” it’s totally okay for it to be a positive force, instead of something those objects of our gaze women have been trying to cram down our throats for decades.)
“For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc. Her shape and size won’t be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it’s the one featured in my life and in my heart.”
Translation: Fat ladies, give up on size acceptance in the media, or a diverse portrayal of body types. You’ll never make it to a Cosmo cover — which is unfortunate, really, becasue that’s all you should really be striving for, anyway, because you only exist to be the receptacles of others’ opinions.
Lucky for you, there are #goodguys like me around, who will deign to take you, even though we will be admitting to ourselves and the world that we like fat women. There is no greater shame. Heaven forbid we get teased by basic bros.
“There’s nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident; this gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room.”
Translation: Even though she’s fat, she’s still nice to look at. It doesn’t usually work like that, I guess.
“Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character. She’s real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty.”
Translation: All these other women who have different body types are actually sophisticated AI, which I cleverly hint at by slipping a reference to an actual plastic doll into my list of women who aren’t real.
“Girls, don’t ever fool yourself by thinking you have to fit a certain mold to be loved and appreciated. There is a guy out there who is going to celebrate you for exactly who you are, someone who will love you like I love my Sarah.”
Translation: Remember, ladies, the only thing that matters at the end of the day is how a man sees you. Be ready at all times for that legendary man, that prince of fat women everywhere, to come swooping in to claim you as his own.
Also, lesbians, bisexual women, gender fluid folks — none of those people exist, and neither do you, if you don’t subscribe to Straight Cis Women Weekly.
Now, somebody give me a medal.
Oh, and my wife’s name is Sarah.
