Seven: Frustration.

THIS WILL BE BRIEF as I have already spent a rather large time writing this evening. I decided to post a question to /r/buddhism about my issues with work, the sales team, and the work being pushed onto me and my team. It took me a long time to write, but I feel I’ve encapsulated the issue in a really nice way, so hoping to get some kind and compassionate views on the matter. It was also good to vent my thoughts.

I will do my absolute darn’dest, in the meantime to let go of my frustrations on an ongoing basis, and at-work specifically. It genuinely does feel like my job gets made more difficult by the selfish actions of some people, but perhaps this is a negative perception I have allowed to take hold. Maybe their actions are less selfish than… ignorant… of the suffering they’re causing me.

I think tonight, in reading a few buddhism quotes on work/life, I have come to a couple of realisations. I sort of understood both of these, but perhaps never expressed them fully-
1) work is not a place where I will ever find lasting fulfilment or happiness; this is the domain of spiritual liberation, not a career.
2) the nature of change means separation from that which we find comfortable, but it also means this period of unhappiness will not last

I also think the question around whether a media career constitutes ‘right livelihood’ is something I should consider further. If I was to leave Ziff Davis, would it really be to another media company? I could try something truly different, something to uplift myself and others, make them feel confident, joyful, inspired, happy. I don’t want my career to be a source of frustration and anger, but I also acknowledge that perhaps the best way to recognise change in action, and hone my meditative absorption is to try to achieve samadhi, jhana, at and during work.

At any rate, today was somewhat frustrating. On the plus side, I did exercise, and I did show up to work, which was good.

It’s really easy, when disregarding my career, though to make the mistake of thinking I don’t have much else in my life. While I have friends, and family, I don’t have too many particularly close friends, nearby, and my family is far away too. My hobbies are somewhat ill-formed and under-developed. I greatly enjoy writing, but… but what… all I write about these days is my own inadequate life, and my struggle to make it “better”? Maybe that’s a fair criticism. I can write other things too, though. I’m still not smoking weed, so it’s good that I’ve maintained that, for now.

I suppose I invest a lot in my career, perhaps too much. Instinctually I want to surround myself with lots of fun people and distract myself from frustrations, but this would not solve the underlying problem that I apparently do not know what to do with my own life. Is going out, meeting people, getting drunk, laughing and joking, romancing them… the whole point? Is that it? I’ve searched deep in myself to conclude that people are the be all and end-all. But you couldn’t just sit in a room with a group of people and talk forever without some stimulus, without something more.

I want to continue to work on improving myself physically, mentally, and spiritually, until such time as I have more of inkling on where to direct the next stage of my life. I must try to always remember to treat people with kindness, compassion, love, and respect. I must seek to uplift and inspire, not denigrate and disrespect.

It almost doesn’t really matter where you are… or what you’re doing… or who you are. If you can treat other people with love and compassion, in a mindful, serene way, perhaps all manner of good things can be accomplished. Perhaps they will feel good, and perhaps you will too.

In a way I’m worried about my own happiness far too much. I KNOW that this is an illusion, I KNOW that worrying about my own joy and happiness is the fastest way to assure it will be far from my side, and I KNOW that concerning myself with the happiness of others, conversely, will have the opposite effect. Still, if it would make others happy for me to spend my day working while they play video games, I’m not really sure what to make of that. Perhaps I’m overstating…

I am reminded of the 4 immeasurables, sublime attitudes, and I believe it would be ideal of me to incorporate these into my regular meditations, morning and night.
1. Loving Kindness
2. Empathetic Joy
3. Equinamity
4. Compassion

I will make these abodes home, soak mind in them til they are habitual. Til I reach for them as naturally as a child for their mother. Til every being around me feels the presence of the four in my very presence. Til my presence itself is pervasive among the entirety of reality, of which I am a part.