#ELBOWGATE IS AWFUL; YOU ARE ALL AWFUL

Carrie Cutforth
6 min readMay 19, 2016

FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE HOCKEY FIGHT THAT BROKE OUT IN PARLIAMENT LET ME RECAP IN ALL CAPS:

#ELBOWGATE IS AWFUL

UGH! I CANT THINK OF ANY “GATE” MORE CANADIAN THAN “ELBOWGATE”; LITERALLY ANY BODY PART WOULD HAVE INSPIRED A LESS “WEENIE” TONE TO IT; EVEN TOEGATE WOULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD A LURID APPEAL

TRUDEAU IS AWFUL

HEY, BOY: I’M A BIT GLEEFUL NOW I CAN SHUT UP MY INTERNATIONAL FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR SMEXY APPEAL BY SHOWING THEM YOUR HAWT MESS OF AN APOLOGY COATED IN GROSS ENTITLEMENT. YOUR DEBONAIR “THE DARK KNIGHT” STRIDE ACROSS THE FLOOR COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE LAUGHABLE IF YOU HAD DONNED A CAPE FIRST

HOT TIP: THE WORDS “IF ANYONE FEELS LIKE THEY WERE IMPACTED BY MY ACTIONS” IS THE GO-TO NON-APOLOGY OF A SOCIOPATH

OH? DID YOU NOT READ THAT CHAPTER ON “HOW TO APOLOGIZE TO GET AWAY WITH SHIT” FROM THE BOOK: FEIGNING FEMINISM, FOR MEN?

IM SO GLAD YOU, OUR BRAVE AND TIRELESS LEADER, IS EVER ON THE READY TO SWOOP IN AND GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY WHEN ONE OF YOUR BOIZ (ONLY THIS PART STUPEFIES ME TO NO END, AS HE WAS THE OPPOSING WHIP) IS BEING BLOCKED BY THREE DOMINATING MP’S THAT COMBINED HAVE THE MUSCLE STRENGTH OF AN 80’S THIGH-MASTER LYING UNDER THE BED COVERED IN TWO DECADES OF DUST

GORDON BROWN: WTF??!!

GORDON BROWN: IM SO CONFUSED HOW YOU MANAGED TO GET BLOCKED BY THESE MP’S THAT CARRY ALL THE FEROCIOUSNESS OF EYEORE AND SNUFFLEUPAGUS WHEN CLEARLY THERE WAS ANOTHER PATH DIRECTLY BESIDE YOU — DIRECTLY DIRECTLY BESIDE YOU…LITERALLY, YOU ONLY HAD TO TAKE ONE STEP BACK AND A FEW MORE TO YOUR LEFT*

PLEASE HONOURABLE GORDON BROWN NEVER GO SHOPPING DURING A BLACK FRIDAY SALE — I WORRY FOR YOUR SAFETY, EVEN HERE IN CANADA WHERE WE TEND TO BE LESS TRAMPLEY

MULCAIR IS AWFUL

OH MULCAIR…. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO INSIST ON TAKING THE MORAL HIGH ROAD HERE?

FIRST YOU HAD THAT GENIUS MOVE TEARING A PAGE OUT OF THE ART OF WAR, WHICH SURELY STATES: “IF WE CAN’T GET OUR OWN WAY, LET’S BLOCK THE LITTLE GUY IN TO KEEP HIM FROM VOTING AGAINST US”

IF ONLY YOU HAD ONE MORE FRAIL OCTOGENARIAN TO CALL UPON TO BLOCK GORDON BROWN THAT MACHIAVELLIAN TRUDEAU WOULD NEVER HAVE BROKEN THROUGH YOUR DEFENCES

BUT EVEN BETTER, TREATING AN ABLE-BODIED WOMAN AS THE DAMSEL-IN-DISTRESS AS IF SHE WAS FUCKING MADE OF GLASS WHILE FROTHING AT THE MOUTH “YOU HIT A WOMAN, YOU HIT A WOMAN” (WHEN TRUDEAU ALSO ASSAULTED A MAN) AND “YOU’RE PATHETIC” AND “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?” WAS SUCH A MAGNIFICENT DISPLAY OF PEAK TOXIC AND GRAYING MASCULINE PROWESS I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THIS RUN-ON SENTENCE… THAT’S HOW MAD I AM

PUT THE FUCKING VELVET GLOVE DOWN: THIS ISN’T FUCKING THE PERILS OF PAULINE; TRUDEAU IS NOT TWIRLING A MUSTACHE HERE (AT LEAST AT THE MOMENT); AND YOU ARE NOT ERROL FLYNN

BUT WORST OF ALL: YOUR PLAYER WAS “DOWN” AND INSTEAD OF CHECKING IN ON HER AND MAKING SURE SHE’S ALL RIGHT (BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOOO CONCERNED ABOUT HER SAFETY AND WELL BEING, AMMIRITE?) BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY — HAVE HER BACK IN TIME AND IN READY-FORM FOR THE VOTE, YOU WERE TOO BUSY SPITTING AND DANCING IN SPOT, HISSING “PUT ’EM UP, PUT ’EM UP, I’LL FIGHT YOU WITH ONE PAW BEHIND MY BACK, I’LL FIGHT YOU WITH BOTH PAWS BEHIND MY BACK…”

I TRIED TO MULCAIR FOR YOU, I REALLY REALLY TRIED

THE NDP (PARTICULARLY THE GUY IN THAT HORRIBLE TIE) IS AWFUL

CAN WE JUST ALL BE ADULTS AND JUST AGREE THAT IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR AAAANYYYYONNNE PUTTING THEIR HANDS ON ANNNNYOOONNEE REGARDLESS OF GENDER, LET ALONE THE PM, ANY FUCKING WHERE AT ANY FUCKING TIME

LET’S NOT PRETEND THAT SOMEHOW PARLIAMENT IS SACRED AND THE PM’S OFFICE IS SPECIALLY RESERVED FOR NOT COMMITTING ASSAULT (CAUSE CLEARLY THAT’S NOT THE CASE) AND THAT THE GENERAL CANADIAN PUBLIC FOLLOWS THE RULE OF VIOLENT ANARCHY IN THE STREETS — YOU ARE NOT HELPING

ALL THESE NDP MP’S FROTHING AT THE MOUTH IN MOB MENTALITY READY TO GET INTO FISTICUFFS WITH THE PM, YOU WOULD THINK THEY ARE ACTING AS IF A WOMAN HAS NO RECOURSE FOR LEGAL ACTION AND JUSTICE IN CANADA IF SHE GETS ASSAULTED…

I VOOOOOTTTTEEEEED FOOOOR YOOOOOUUUUU GUIZE

ELIZABETH MAY IS AWFUL

I’M SORRY BUT THE INTERNET IS TELLING ME WE CAN NEVER ACCEPT YOU AS THE VOICE OF REASON, EVEN WHEN YOU ARE BEHAVING REASONABLY BECAUSE YOU STOOD UP FOR JIAN GHOMESHI THAT ONE TIME — SUCKS TO BE YOU

THAT’S OKAY IM SURE BOTH MULCAIR AND TRUDEAU’S REPUTATION WILL HAVE WEATHERED THE FALLOUT FROM THEIR FLAGRANT DISPLAYS OF TOXIC MASCULINITY BY SUNDAY

RUTH ELLEN BROSSEAU IS AWFUL

HEY GIRL, I GET YOU…. YOU WERE MASHED IN THE BOOB, IT’S NOT A FUN EXPERIENCE — I’VE BEEN THERE, AND I CAN’T IMAGINE WHEN IT’S FROM THE LEADER OF THIS COUNTRY. I APPLAUD YOUR COOL CALCULATION TO WALK OUT WHEN YOU DID (COOLER HEADS PREVAIL), AND NOT COME BACK WHEN TRUDEAU BECKONED YOU… FUCK THAT NOISE, AMMIRITE?

BUT PLEASE DOOOO NOT PRETEND SOMEHOW YOU WERE INNOCENT IN THIS SCUFFLE — YOU AND YOUR PARTY TREATED THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE AS A RUGBY MATCH HEMMING THE OPPOSITION IN A CHILDISH GAMBIT, CAUSE DEMOCRACY, RIGHT?

IM NOT IN ANYWAY GOING TO TRIVIALIZE ASSAULT IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM; THE PM HAD NO BUSINESS ELBOWING YOU, EVEN BY ACCIDENT

BUT THOSE FUCKING CROCODILE TEARS THAT YOU MISSED THE VOTE!! WHEN I THINK OF SUFFRAGETTES WHO THREW THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF CHARIOTS OF HORSES??!!!

UGH THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

THANKS FOR ALLOWING YOUR PARTY TO EMPLOY YOU AS THE SINGULAR REASON IN THE PUBLIC’S EYE HOW TRUDEAU AND THE LIBERAL PARTY ARE FAILING FEMINISM AND WOMEN EVERYWHERE…AND NOT THE FUCKING OTHER MILLION REASONS WHY

WHERE WAS THE FUCKING BOUNCER IN ALL THIS?

I CAN’T EVEN…

STEPHEN HARPER

DUDES, YOU MADE STEPHEN HARPER THE MOST LIKABLE PLAYER IN THIS SHITBACLE; IT’S LIKE HE MASTERMINDED THIS ENTIRE SCENARIO BY SIMPLY STANDING BACK AND LETTING YOU ALL DISSOLVE INTO THE TRASH WIZARDS YOU ALL ARE

IT’S SOOO PAINFUL

I FUCKING FUCKING HATE YOU ALL

*****

*ETA: IT WAS JUST BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION BY THE LOVELY MARTIN PARTRIDGE THAT THE REASON GORDON BROWN DID NOT SIMPLY WALK AROUND IS BECAUSE APPARENTLY A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITION CANNOT CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE OF PARLIAMENT BECAUSE THIS IS 2016 AND WHY THE FUCK NOT (SIC)

LITERALLY, ALL IT TAKES IS AN IMAGINARY LINE AND A BLOCKADE OF NITWITS TO BRING DEMOCRACY TO A CRIPPLING HALT IN CANADA

MY APOLOGIES TO THE HONOURABLE GORDON BROWN FOR EVER DOUBTING YOUR “BLACK FRIDAY” SHOPPING MOJO

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