IN SEARCH OF: ONE MALE ALLY TO HOLD MY HAND FOR SOCIAL MEDIA PHOTO-OP

SO TODAY, THE CANADIAN PM’S MVP, SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU, WIFE OF JUSTIN TRUDEAU, PUT THE WTF BACK IN WFFTW (WHITE FEMINISM FOR THE WIN) WITH THIS MOST ODIOUS CALL TO HASHTAGS:

AND BY MALE ALLIES SHE MEANS SPECIFICALLY HER HUSBAND: STANDING THERE LOOKING ALL SUPPORTIVY OF HER, HIS WIFE — LIVING THE DREAM BEING A POLITICIAN’S WIFE, IN HIS DASHING DARTH WINDBREAKER HOPING THE PUBLIC AT LARGE WILL COMPLETELY FORGET THE OXFAM CANADA FEMINIST SCORECARD REPORT THAT CAME OUT FUCKING YESTERDAY CRITICIZING THE LIBERAL GOVERNMENT’S ALL TALK BUT NO ACTION STANCE ON FEMINISM.

I MEAN I WAS MARRIED FOR TWENTY-ONE FUCKING YEARS AND CAN’T REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS LIKE:

“HONEY, CAN WE ALL STAND BESIDE A SNOWBANK HOLDING HANDS SO I CAN SHOW MY FRIENDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA HOW MUCH YOU ARE NOT A DOUCHE. LET’S IGNITE CHANGE!”

HAS THE WELL OF SHIRTLESS PHOTOS OF TRUDEAU RUN DRY THIS WEEK??? DID TRUDEAU SUDDENLY EXHAUST ALL DESKS TO BENCH PRESS???

CAN A FUCKING WEEK GO BY WHERE TRUDEAU ISN’T REMINDING US HE’S EITHER HAWT OR FEMINISTY? IT’S LIKE WITH EVERY LATEST DIP IN TRUDEAU’S APPROVAL RATING WE LOSE ANOTHER ARTICLE OF CLOTHING. HAVE THE LIBERALS FINALLY BURNED OUT ALL INTERNS TASKED WITH SCRAPING THE BARREL OF THE INTERNET TO UNCOVER YET ONE MORE ‘UNDISCOVERED’ BOOTY SHOT?? (ALTHOUGH THAT ‘VIRAL’ PIC OF TRUDEAU’S ASS WAS A MASTERFUL STROKE OF SOCIAL MEDIAING: THIS IS HOW YOU RUN A COUNTRY…. I GUESS.)

Touché, Trudeau, tushie.

I FEEL LIKE MY COUNTRY IS IN A GAME OF STRIP POKER WITH OUR LEADERSHIP, AND NO ONE IS BOTHERING TO REALIZE TRUDEAU IS ACTUALLY LOSING, CAUSE HE’S SITTING THERE, DOWN TO HIS TIGHTY-WHITIES AND BLACK DRESS SOCKS WITH A SHIT-EATING GRIN WHILE FLEXING HIS ABS.

DISTRACTION POLITICS: NOT JUST FOR TRUMP!

BUT THE TRUDEAUS JUST DON’T WANT *ALL THE COOKIES* FOR THEMSELVES ALONE. NO, THEY, IN THEIR GENEROUS DISSIPATION, ARE GRACIOUSLY PROVIDING WOMEN THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO SPREAD THE LIKES BY PROPPING UP BOYS WITH SOCIAL MEDIA PRAISE SO OTHER MEN, WHO ARE NOT JUSTIN TRUDEAU, CAN TOO BE INSPIRED TO REACH FOR THE BAREST MINIMUM OF DECENCY IN EXCHANGE FOR THE COOKIES.

TO THE MEN IN MY LIFE THAT ARE READING THIS:

ALL THIS CAN BE YOURS — A TWEET WITH A PICTURE OF YOU HOLDING MY HAND TO BE POSTED ON A SOCIAL MEDIA FEED OF YOUR CHOOSING WITH THE CAPTION:

HE WASN’T AT THE WOMAN’S MARCH BUT AT LEAST HE DOESN’T HAVE CLAMMY HANDS #TOMORROWINHAND #YOLO #EQUALITYMATTERS!!!

OR

HE DOESN’T COMPLAIN MUCH THAT I MAKE FAR FAR LESS THAN HE DOES, BUT WHEN HE DOES IT’S W/ A FUNNY MEME THAT GETS LITTLE POLITICAL TRACTION #TOMORROWINHAND #EQUALITYMATTERS!!

OR

HE’S HELD MY HAND FOR FIVE MINUTES. WHAT AN ALLY!! SO LIKE…WHEN DOES MY GENDER PARITY BEGIN EXACTLY…? #TOMORROWINHAND #IGNITINGCHANGE

OR

AS A WHITE WOMAN, I’LL FIGHT FOR JUSTICE FOR ALL WOMEN…RIGHT AFTER I TAKE THIS PIC OF A DREAMY MALE ALLY HOLDING MY HAND!! #WFFTW

OR

IF I HOLD THIS MALE ALLY’S HAND FOR #TOMORROWINHAND WHO IS GOING TO HOLD MY BEER WHILE I RAGE FLIP OVER A TABLE?

JUST PAYPAL ME $5, AND I’LL GET RIGHHHHTTT ON IT…

OR

YOU COULD DO YOUR PART IN FIGHTING TO ENSURE GENDER PARITY, AFFORDABLE DAYCARE, CLEAN WATER FOR INDIGENOUS WOMEN, STOP THE KEYSTONE PIPELINE AND CLIMATE CHANGE, REPEAL BILLS C36 & C51, AND END RAPE CULTURE.

AND THEN, ONLY THEN DARLINGS, MY SOCIAL MEDIA BLESSINGS ARE ALL YOURS FOR THE TAKING.


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