How the wounded Heart leads to the wounded mind……….
“Loving an Addict”
I ask myself this question often? But it is true. What lies their dormant, causing so much pain affects the heart but also are mind, in so many ways don’t you think? Eats away at it like “Cancer” somehow, years of suffering, things we never dealt with, just kept tucked away, kept stuffing deeper and deeper…..childhood trauma, disappointment, ANGER, Frustration, Abandonment issues, LOSS, BROKEN PROMISES sooooo many of those you lose count…… Dad why did you leave me? When are you coming home? Mom why wasn’t I good enough? Gram why did you leave me, you said you’d never leave me?………Why?
So many things rushing through that mind, through your child’s mind.Then comes his addiction. The alcoholism, and before you know its spiraled out of control not for you but him and you can’t save him. OMG you want to god you want to but you cant. “Its not about you he screams! But you don’t believe it . The guilt is always their eating away at you every time he uses, every time he gets arrested or he relapses. Thank God for that little Al Anon book “The Courage to Change” like a bible I carry in my purse I read it every day. The only thing that gets me through. Years of this constant roller coaster ride ups and downs, sleepless nights, constant worrying, heartache, despair, can’t keep my mind off him. Where is he? Is he safe? Is someone hurting him? And the biggest fear of all is he Dead? Sad but true…….. Please God forgive me its like he’s been dead for years already. Thats what this sickness has done to him to us to all of us. I long so much to make it go away. I prayed to God to make it go away! …………HEROIN. It robbed his soul like a thief in the night and I didn’t even see it coming. It took my loving, funny, compassionate son from me and left a shell. And for that I am ANGRY and BITTER and sometimes don’t know if I want to scream or cry. So for now I keep reading my Al Anon book every day and keep telling myself “One Day At A Time” and I love him from a distance because to do anything else hurts to much. And I continue to pray I will have him back someday healthy and as well as he can be. Baby steps ………….like in the beginning…..