Melania Trump New Year’s Eve Itinerary

2 PM: Exit coffin.

2:15 PM: Summon servant R2 unit to remove cashmere robe.

2:30 PM: Moët shower. Servant R2 unit dresses you in Leia bikini costume.

3–5 PM: Worry.

5:01 PM: REMINDER — only speak when it’s sexy.

5:15 PM: Russian tea, delivered fresh from the mouth of Vlad.

5:20 PM: Look down on your kingdom. Wonder what it’s like to not be chained to an orange man.

6 PM: MIDI-CHLORIANS!

6:01–7 PM: Wonder what it’s like to be Jar Jar Binks.

7 PM: Mistake Tiffany for a very bad wax statue of Ivanka.

7:15 PM: Suck some more Russian tea out of Vald’s mouth.

7:30 PM: Check on C3P-O in the kitchen. Make sure he’s not being “too gay”

8 PM: Jiggle your chains to see if Mr. President-Elect notices you. Because I mean, you’ve been chained to him in this metal bikini all day.

8:15 PM: Come to the realization that you are force-sensitive.

8:25 PM: Annual André bath.

9 PM: Be kind of sad that Mr. President-Elect didn’t notice you choked Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin through the TV.

9:15 PM: Dinner is served! Melt C3P-O, Mr. President-Elect needs a throne.

10 PM: Ask Siri why Alex Jones is here.

10:30 PM: Suck Russian tea from Vlad’s mouth until he turns to raisin.

10:30 PM–12 AM: Watch Mr. President Elect’s Home Alone 2 cameo on a non-stop loop.

12 AM: CHAMPAGNE! 2017!

1 AM: Close coffin.

1:15 AM: Sleep mode.