Living in patterns
As a former fractal artist, I adore the magic of fractals. Fractals are patterns that repeat themselves over and over, every time you zoom in you see the pattern again.
I´ve done fractal art on and off for several years and never get tired of them. Sometimes I take a break of up to 6 months, but every time I open my Ultrafractal again and start playing around with the settings, I´m falling in love with it again.
And it seems like I have an eye for repetitive patterns, symmetries, and such things. I see them within seconds and solve these “continue this pattern” puzzles in games within seconds. Usually, I have to start actively thinking at the highest or second-highest difficulty level.
I am questioning why it is that way. I´ve always been optical attracted to patterns. They have a somewhat calming effect on me when I look at them. It doesn´t matter if it´s a simple drawing with text markers, the texture of some fabric, or a fancy piece of (digital) abstract art. The effect stays the same.
It might be that my close attention to patterns is part of my current frustrations as well. When I observe that friends and family members repeat the same negative patterns over and over again it´s tough to be the verbal mirror for them. It gets even more frustrating when you explain the pattern and continue to live that way anyway. But it´s their life, not my own. So I have to respect them. It´s their problem in their life, not mine.
As I´ve mentioned previously I have struggled with learning how to rest. These days I´m experimenting with meditation, but it´s too early to talk about noticeable results. But my almost chronic deprivation of sleep and rest in general results in the fact that I tend to repeat my own mistakes. Like forgetting a design detail for work documents. Or grabbing the wrong brand of canned vegetables several times in a row. This frustrates me and it´s hard to practice self-compassion instead of self-loathing when such things happen.
Scientists mind me always try to find an explanation for everything. By searching for patterns in everything. But sometimes I am questioning whether this is beneficial. Because more often than not stuff in life just happens. Yeah, there are things like manifestation, the law of attraction, and all these kinds of stuff. So I don´t know where I should draw the line between healthy, objective analysis of something and overthinking. I don´t know where the overthinking starts. Is it still a healthy reflection or overanalyzing already?
Stuck in my pattern thinking it´s incredibly hard to tell.
