Women Are Crazy: Insta Story Stalking

Listen, I don’t want to be a traitor to my gender, but I have to say this: we are fucking crazy. Last week over cocktails, a veggie plate AND french fries (you know, to balance it out) with a few of my girlfriends, I noticed something profound: Women are fucking crazy.

Here’s what was going down. Sure we were catching up and everyone wanted to pay attention, but you know how it goes. Inevitably one person breaks out their phone. And then they get distracted and it’s like one of those contagious things that just has everyone on their phones sitting in silence for a second. We’re checking notifications, we’re looking at our feed. One friend starts sulking because a certain crush never liked her photo. Another does that “eeeeeAhhhh!!!OMG” thing we ladies do when we’re overly excited. What caused the commotion? Apparently her crush looked at her insta-story. The happiness on her face almost made me pause but I had to tell her the truth… IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER.

“Here’s the thing,” I said. “It’s the classic relationship advice. If a guy likes you, you’ll hear from him. Sure it’s nice and flirty sometimes when he likes your posts or watches your story, but it doesn’t mean he wants to fly you to Cape Cod to meet his parents.” (Maybe my dream guy has family in Cape Cod! Shut up!) I smiled at her with a look that said “You’re beautiful” and then I thought we were done here. Nope.

I’m ashamed of what followed next. There, in the darkness of some seedy bar off Melrose, we hypothesized. For the next hour. And as I was checking my stories to try to prove my point, I saw his name. My crush. And so I fell into the crack den of over analyzing and irrational logic. WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?! We thought of every situation we could to test this theory. What if his finger slipped? What if he only watched the first story and not the last? How the fuck did he watch the first and the fourth but not the second or third? Why is he watching everything I post but not texting me back? If he only watches it for a half-second, does his name show up? (Yes.)

I shared these questions with my friend Jacob and he basically boiled it down to one takeaway. “Carry. People watch stories because they are bored or addicted to Instagram. Y’all are mind fucking yourselves for no reason.” That’s the difference between guys and girls. Guys simplify everything. And women, we are fucking crazy.