You would hate being in my shoes.
Welcome to the jungle, welcome to the workplace!
Ever caught yourself in a pretty helpless situation where your mind just goes crazy because you can’t do anything but think thoughts like:
“Oh crap.. Oh crap.. Oh craaaaaap! My reputation IS instantly going burn to ashes if I freakin’ don’t do anything!”
Yeah. That happens to me a lot at work lately.
Just over a month ago, I was spontaneously & miraculously hired by the computer training institute where I was training a refresher programming course. Finding work is frustrating for a computer science fresh-grad without any work experience. But I was hired despite that; so I could help them out in admin work and eventually be a computer instructor also.
Uhm.. I thought: “Me? Instructor? Me? Admin work? Lord, you gotta be kidding me right?” Man, He wasn't joking.
So fast forward, here I am in a jungle; where I’m stumbling from rocks and trees, running away from leopards and lions, holding my bearings on the trail while learning how to read my compass.
The leopards and lions (my bosses) — they pretty much scare the heck out me sometimes; but I think my fear is more likely focused on their perceived expectation of my work results rather than them, personally. The rocks and trees (learning how to teach and do admin work) — they’re a really new and different terrain. I think, it might take a while ‘til I get used to all of this…
Just the other day, my boss walked in with a raging look on his face, and unfortunately, I was on break that time. I know I was supposed to be making calls, teaching a student, or do anything so I could help out the business, but instead, he saw me checking my Facebook notifications…
“Great.”, I thought.
He seriously looked like he was pissed off and my instant assumption was that: he was pissed off at me because I was taking a break and caught me not doing anything. He was the silent-serious type though, like a heating grenade. But he never made a mention of anything. After he left the office, my brain went full-throttle. I couldn’t stop thinking and worrying that my reputation as a new employee would burn to ashes after a few given minutes.
My inner voices tell me that I’m a total loser and that I suck at my work; and that I’m not diligent enough; and that I’m totally undisciplined; and I’m not creatively smart enough to teach anything; and I’m not admin-ish enough; and my bosses would fire me because I’m so friggin’ useless at what I do.
You would hate being me, if you were me…
And man, do I think a lot. Sometimes, I just hate thinking a lot. But in the middle of my messy thoughts, I get this small nudge, telling me,
“I’m here with you, Ann.”
“Why do you fret so much, O apple of my eye. Can’t you see the bigger picture? Or do you refuse to see? Don’t you know that I’m much bigger than them? Or did you forget again? Have we not been through miracles before which I have done because I loved you? Have you not learned that, in your weakest, I am your strength? And in your unknowing, I have known the beginning and the end?”
“Believe in me again, my love. Kill one thought at a time, and replace it with me. Stand up, get your strength, and walk without limping. I will give you everything you need, including myself, just so that in this jungle, you will thrive and become as strong as the lioness.”
“I will become your Tarzan. Will you be my Jane?”
“Your failures will never hinder me; not even your doubts, for they will be powerless over me. Because it is not by your strength that you will do great things, it is rather, by mine.”
“Will you keep going?…”
Inwardly, I sobbed, and my chest was painful. But I wanted to thrive here; so, I did. And the rest of the days followed.
It is great to be His.
❤
