I have spent the majority of my life very sad. Not confident, self destructive, addicted, unmotivated, without goals, angry, irritable, irrational, sad. I hated myself.
I was finally diagnosed with depression at my first psychology appointment in March before I turned 26.
Living through and having to face my depression was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.
Having to finally face all of my self hate, my destructive behaviors, my loathing, negative thoughts. Having to face me. Having to realize I was on my way to nowhere because I wasn’t even present. I was always living in the future — out of worry or fear or projected happiness. My eyes saw nothing I was currently doing. I was drifting around in life on other people's’ agendas and waves that made no sense for me to be on. I spent days out of body, unable to even be present inside of myself.
I wasn’t existing.
I didn’t accept defeat. I changed.
My psych would give me the tools, and I just kept crying at her. I wasn’t using the tools. My entire life plummeted. I quit my job, I slept for days.
And then, I woke up. I put my foot down. Enough was enough. I’m either going to die, or I’m going to choose to live differently.
I read the Law of Attraction. I started a gratitude journal. I meditated. I began a morning routine. I walked. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I was beautiful. I took better care of myself by being gentler with my thoughts. By forgiving myself and learning how to judge myself less.
Now, I think.
Now, I know what a quiet mind sounds like.
Now, I know how to sit in stillness. I know how to talk to myself about myself: from a place of love and gratitide.
“Thank you for showing up. Thank you for persevering. Thank you for moving through”.
My depression has grown tall, glorious wildflowers in my mind. All of the decay made up of old, dead moments and negative thoughts have mulched the roots of my mind and have grown something so much more beautiful. A mind that thinks better thoughts, that enjoys the tougher moments in life. I am nowhere near a state of recovered zenned out bliss. I experience high functioning anxiety every day of my life- but I learned I have a choice in how I react to those feelings.
My depression freed me, forcibly making me into a mindful, present, persistent, confident woman who looks forward to new adventures.
My depression forced me to see there was nothing down that dark path. I have two options every day: it’s to fall down the rabbit hole, or continue to grow my wildflowers.
I’m growing the wildflowers.