Get Rid of Your Worry Once and For All
“There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain” — (Lyrics from WHY WORRY by Dire Straits)
True. But only if you stop the blame game. Only if you acknowledge that holding others accountable is not the same as playing the blame game. Only if you take responsibility for how you feel.
When you hide behind emotion to run away from the pain in your life. When you blame the other person or the world for your troubles. And yet, the pain refuses to go away. The pain progressively grows bigger with each passing day, trapping you into a never-ending nightmare of worry.
And you end up wondering why it’s you that’s always in pain. You ask yourself: “What have I done to deserve this? What did I ever do?”
I will tell you happens. And I will show you how to escape that never-ending spiral of worry. You are going to stop suffering in silence and instead welcome understanding, calm and happiness back into your life. You are going to be okay, because you were born to be okay irrespective of the ever-present adversities of life.
There’s a beautiful song by Dire Straits — “WHY WORRY”. It’s got beautiful harmony and I have listened to it a thousand times. Its lyrics are simple yet powerful. One of the lines goes something like this:
“I see this world has made you sad
Some people can be bad
The things they do, the things they say …”
It’s true that sometimes the world is not fair. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, the world turns upon you and hits you real hard in your gut, leaving you in immense pain. But how do you recover?
How do you rise back up? By taking RESPONSIBILITY for your feelings. By holding the world ACCOUNTABLE; but refusing to BLAME. The biggest mistake you are making that is keeping your pain from going away is blaming the world.
When you blame the world or others for your pain you are running away from your feelings. You want other people or the world to be responsible for your feelings. You refuse to stare your pain in the face and deal with it. And of course, it stays somewhere in your mind, fighting to break out. But you fight so hard to let the pain stay inside of you by continuing to blame others.
I am not saying that when bad things happen it’s your fault. All I am saying is that when bad things happen to you, you are responsible for your own healing. The world doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.
The world does not know how you feel. It’s you who is in pain and it’s you who has the power to make yourself come out stronger and better. And yes, you are going to come out strong. Armed with a few simple but powerful tools from the realm of psychology, you will be ready to beat the pain in your life any day of the week.
Here’s a Quick Way to Stop the Worry and the Emotional Pain … (and Become Happy Again)
One of the most influential figures in modern psychotherapy is Albert Ellis who developed Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT). As with any form of psychotherapy, REBT helps you recover from emotional pain by replacing your damaging beliefs with helpful, healthy beliefs.
According to REBT, there are 3 rigid beliefs that you must let go of if you want stop feeling pain. I have written elsewhere about how to use REBT to improve your life and I will share with you “The 3-Question Pain Solution Framework”.
But before I share this powerful framework I want you to understand the difference between blame and responsibility when dealing with your pain. This will make it easier for you to use the pain solution framework.
What You Ought to Know About “Blame” and “Responsibility”
We shall use the ABC model to understand the difference between “blame” and “responsibility”. The ABC model is one of the core concepts of rational emotive behavioural psychotherapy. The letters of the model stand for:
Adversity is the “bad” thing that happens to you. Belief is your interpretation of what the adversity means. And consequences are your thinking, emotions and behaviour that results from your interpretation of the adversity.
When you “blame” you refuse to deal with the consequences because you believe the adversity causing event must do it for you. Remember that according to the ABC model consequences are your thinking-emotions-behaviour and therefore internal to you. The key word here is internal. On the other hand, adversity is external. What does this mean?
You normally have control of what is internal but rarely have control over what is external. Because thinking-emotions-behaviour are “consequences” and therefore internal, no outside force (“adversity”) is going to change them. Fair enough, adversity can be responsible for arousing painful emotions in you, but its only you who can:
· Regulate your emotions to a pain free existence.
· Change your thinking (beliefs) about adversity from unrealistic expectation to successful problem solving.
· Stop behaving in damaging ways and step up to empowering actions that bring new meaning into your life.
If “blame” means refusing to deal with the consequences of adversity, “responsibility” means stepping up to the plate and taking charge of your emotional life. Taking charge does not mean the process is easy, but you are assured that the pain will forever go away.
Following from the ABC model are 3 broad rigid beliefs that are keeping you stuck in the murky world of emotional pain. I call them “The 3 Mindset Patterns That Make Your Life Harder than It Should Be”. Let’s dive a little deeper into those.
Getting into the Right Frame of Mind — 3 Mindset Patterns You Must Know Before You Can Truly Live Your Best Life
Below are the 3 mindset patterns that are causing you a lot of emotional discomfort and making your life harder than it should be.
· I MUST always perform well whatever I do. And as a result, the important people in my life MUST love / like me for this performance.
· Others MUST always respect me.
· The world MUST always be fair to me. Life MUST always be easy for me.
If you want to live a good life, you must discard the 3 rigid mindset patterns above and adopt flexible thinking patterns. 3 rigid mindset patterns play out in your life. The framework below will guide you on how to do this.
THE 3-QUESTION PAIN SOLUTION FRAMEWORK
Identify a problem in your life right now that is causing you immense emotional distress. Write it down. Ask yourself the following questions regarding this problem. Write your answers down.
Question 1: Do I feel worthless and less competent as a person because I think I did not do my best?
Question 2: Do I feel angry or furious because I think someone did not respect me?
Question 3: Do I feel angry, sad, frustrated or self-pity because I think the world has not been fair to me (OR: Do I feel angry, sad, frustrated or self-pity because I think life has not been easy for me?)
What insights do you get?