When did I give up on me?

A few days ago, while browsing the aisles of Trader Joe’s, I was overcome deeply dark thought. I blame so much on who and what is around me but I know they aren’t the problem. Obviously, I am.

This led to another thought… if my greatest fault is myself then how do I fix it? How do I go back to when I wasn’t? Most disturbingly, I tried to pick the place in time when I gave up on myself. I thought, if I could just go back then I correct my path. I cannot go back, fore, my choices are creating a future of success.

Since college, I have made great strides. I can see my future so clearly, it’s like a crisp movie at the theater.

Carverton Dallas, chief counsel for a major corporation. I would be making over $200,000 by the mere age of 30. I would devote my life the work in order to fulfill myself, or so I had thought. I would not have children nor be married. However, I would live in a magnificent apartment in New York City. It is what I had always dreamed.

The morning of my 32nd birthday, I would wake up with a cold sweat. I had dreamed of Him for the first time in years. I would wonder if it was too late for us. Would He be married? Would He have children? Would He have ever thought about me in all that time?

Maybe.

I hope that I would take a flight to Colorado. I presume he would make it there by that point. I would find out his address and show up at his door.

“I was in the area.” I would smile.

“Hey.” He shrugged.

“I live in New York now… I’m not sure if you knew or wondered or…”

“Car…I knew.” He laughed.

“Oh?”

“Why are you here?” He’d ask politely.

“I just…I don’t…I mean…I love you.” I’d finally say.

“Umm…Car…it’s been a long fucking time.”

“I know…I’ve dated and loved again. I’ve made a fuck ton of money. I’ve achieved everything I wanted but I woke up today and wanted to give it up.” I started to cry.

“Don’t.” He said innocently and he shook his head.

“I would give it all up for you. It wasn’t worth it…And, I don’t know if I’m delusional…”

“You’re not. I’ve thought about you…everyday.” He would smile.

Present day, I have given up on myself to be happy. I require fulfillment in the form of success and achievement. However, success and achievement do not bring happiness only dignity and pride. Often, I forget that true love exists and is necessary for happiness. A few days ago, I gave up on myself to be happy again. Today, I don’t want to.

I hope that He will be the one to show up at my door. Fighting for me was never His strong suit.