They come home with bags and bags of gifts. Full black trash bags of goodies and all the wishes they sent to Santa. I take a quick look at the two gifts under my tree for each of them and the gift envy starts to stir.

This starts to happen before I even realize it. In fact, it started Christmas day when my 14 and 8 year old Face-timed me to share the myriads of presents they had received from their father’s large family. I actually had to get off the phone with them because I could feel my face reflecting the utter defeat I felt as I watched them show me 3 sets of pajamas (our tradition is a brand new pair of pj’s that I BUY for our Christmas morning), a tablet (I had already bought one for them through a coupon site), and hearing my teenager saying she got everything on her list. She hadn’t given me a list…she knew I was flat broke until my paycheck came in right after Christmas.

Now, I realize that Christmas isn’t about presents..yadda, yadda. But that feeling of defeat brought me down for a bit…maybe longer than a bit…BUT it also did something good for me. I realized it was ridiculous to try or even to want to compete with an entire family for gifts, so I had to think about what I REALLY give them.

I made a list.

I bought us a condo so no more moving, no more switching schools — stability. I’m home every night with them. I get to hear the download of their day, give them hugs when they need one, be their confidant, and guide them when they let me — open arms. I make sure we get out and do new things…even if they don’t pan out to be what we thought…we get out there — experience.

There are a bunch of other things…but I have to remember that my gift envy is about something that will be a passing memory and I should be focusing on the things I want to give them every day. The little gifts I have the privilege of giving every time I make them smile or feel safe and supported. I have to remind myself that our daily gifts are so much more precious than anything that could ever be wrapedp up.